Have I done the right thing? - Al-Anon Family Group

southernlass · Member

Have I done the right thing?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not if you did the right thing for them.....did you do the right thing for YOU is the question.

You are doing just what you need to do so never 2nd guess yourself when you have thought about it, prayed about it and made your decision. Everyday it's give and take so take it one day at a time.

Good job ((( hugs )))

cmb · Member

I think so. I married an A. We were married for 12 years. I knew when we married he was in trouble but I went ahead and got married. After many years of doing the same things over and over, arrests for dui (5 or 6), meetings, sobriety, disappointments try try try, he found another woman to drink with. That was the beginning for me to change myself. Divorced 14 years now. I recently ended a 1 year relationship with another A, plus pills and cocaine. I went along with the craziness and didn't see what was happening (or chose not to) until the last time we went out. I have not talked or seen him since, I have huge waves of emotion but when I need to I come hear and read the experiences hear. I learn. I feel better. I go about my business. It hurts, but I know I can't keep going back. I can see his troubles coming. I worry but I cannot keep going back. Nothing changes if nothing changes! Keep coming back when you feel sad! Alanon works.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you did. The goal for them was to get sober. PERIOD. Sounds like really shaky sobriety to me. Your goal is to be happy and serene. No "goal post" changed. That is relapse talk.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Southernlass

Only you can really answer that question. But I see that you thought about what it is you needed, explained to your A what you were thinking, and let him make his own mind up whether he was willing to deal with the boundary you have set.

Remember, when you set a boundary, you are making a loving statement of what you can take, and it is up to him to be able to tell if he can respect the boundary or not.

I think you did great! But only you can truly answer the question.

Kenny

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Southernlass~

I am very proud of you! It is very hard to put boundaries in place...

It is the alcoholics job to try to guilt us and turn the table, I swear!!

But you stuck to your plan!! Be proud of you....

There is NOTHING YOU can do or say to make an alcoholic drink, they drink because they choose to be drunk more than they choose to be sober...

To Thine Own Self Be True! Good work my friend!

Keep Coming Back, It Works If You Work & YOU ARE WORTH IT:)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good job! Whenever we make a change there is usually some flack and a pushback. Helps us practice our "no" muscle better and sticking to our boundaries.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

Hi Southernlass,

If you have a chance to pick it up, there is a great pamphlet called "Alcoholism the Merry-Go-Round of Denial". What it impressed upon me is that the Alcoholic has two tools: provoking our anger and upping our anxiety.

In my own experience, when I didn't do what the alcoholic wanted he would threaten to leave if I didn't change back to my old self.

Ultimately, I began to see this for what it was a tactic to induce fear and manipulate me into relenting/giving up my boundaries because I was too afraid to lose the alcoholic.

BUT, when I gave in, I just felt worse!

I love the alcoholic, but I finally learned to love myself just a smidge more so I could be true to myself and needs and get off the crazy-train that is alcoholism.

Now, I play the whole tape through before I do something. If I don't like the likely outcome on my tape preview, I can change my decision. This has saved me a lot of heartache.

The reality is that men who abuse do not stop without very serious professional help. Apologizing or feeling bad about it is not enough. He just gave you a preview of what is likely to come and you know (via the nervous breakdown) that you cannot handle it. That's OK, you shouldn't have to.

You might reach out to a domestic violence shelter/counselor to help you navigate the alcoholism + abuse.

BlueCloud

jillybean1 · Senior Member

HI If you like, check out this link. It helps me when I question what I am doing and why.

detachwithlove.com/detachment.html

Jill

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Unfortunatley most of the alcoholics I know think * I'm sober so whats the problem ? You have the right to set boundaries for yourself - there came a time after a short separation that I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again which gave my husb two choices stay where you are or sober and AA and home . Thankfully he chose to try AA that was 24 yrs ago still sober doin good . You do what is best for you . Louise

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

Thanks for your post. I don't see any problem with what you did. Whenever I am in doubt about what to do or about what I have already done, I use the slogans and the serenity prayer. First Things First. You gotta put you first. ;)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.