The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately of alcoholism. It is a progressive disease, family disease, and many more. When my AH was working full time he never drank. It was after he was in a forced retirement that got him started. My husband has a severe form of tinnitus (ringing in his ear with nerve damage) and hearing loss in his one ear. While working he dealt with it, but once the job was gone and he had too much time on his hands his ears started to get worst and the depression set in. Then came the drinking. I was still working full time so really did not notice for a while. I had a very stressful job so I guess you could say I had tunnel vision. Reality hit about 2 years after his retirement because he got his 1st DUI. I never saw it coming. He was arrested, we hired an attorney, many fines, he went to court, 3 night class, probation for 6 months, community service and no driving for 90 days.
Fast forward 13 months another DUI, but this one had a very high blood alcohol content. He hired another attorney, more fines, more classes = 1 night a week for 52 weeks, probation, community service, and he could not drive for two years.
Three strikes and you are out, but so far there has not been a third one. If there is another one he will go to jail for at least 1,500 hours up to 5 years. Hopefully he is a little smarter this time.
He has also had two alcohol Poisoning which put him in the hospital both times, with the second one in in ICU. I would say out of all of this we are out of pocket about 25,000. He does not agree, but what else is new.
I guess my point in all of this is that my husband blamed his company for not having a job; he blamed his tinnitus and hearing loss which was caused by a virus, and finally told me that drinking actually helps the tinnitus go down in volume. I did ask him that when he was arrested by the police officer did he tell him that is why he drinks? No answer from my husband. I went to the court with him and he never told the judge I drink because it helps make my tinnitus go down in volume. Thank GOD all he hit was a trash can and not a person.
This week some "OLD Vodka" came out from some where = oh hey, that has been there for a long time. I said really. I nag, he drinks, it is my fault, I love you in one sentence and I hate you in another. I told him he must read the same book so many men do because they all say the same thing. He was not amused.
My part of the blame game is that he did everything wrong and I stood by. I have watched in slow motion and fast motion all of these things happens. I blamed him for my unhappiness, which is ridiculous on my part. I am blaming someone who in turn blamed their job, their ear problem, etc., etc., etc.
And today I thought wow. We can all go and blame people for our unhappiness. It takes a bigger person to admit Yes I did those things and I am going to get help.
My own happiness should be based on me, not what he is doing. I love the computer, reading, my dogs, friends, etc. Those things make me happy. I have known for a long time that I cannot be with my AH 24/7 so in many ways I have made my own life.
Watching him blame those items and me blaming him is all a cop out. We need to make our life. We need to dig deep down and admit our faults move on.
We are getting ready to move 300 miles south of us. I am nervous for many reasons because I have part time job up here that I love, friends, etc., but one of the first things I am going to do is join an AL-Anon group and get involved. I am also going to get a part time job and join a gym. We are semi retired. My husband said he would like to get a part time job but I really don't see it. I will keep my mouth shot and hope he finds other things that will make him happy.
I need more Al-Anon meetings, read more literature and go back to f2f meetings. I am tired of feeling angry to a person that I love, thinking wow, you really have messed up my life. That is a lot of power I am giving him to do that and I am taking it back.
I hope all of this makes sense. I sometime ramble on, but I think if you read it a couple of times you will get the gist of what I am saying.
I love this site and it has been a life saver.
Thanks so much, Jenny
-- Edited by Jen61 on Sunday 13th of April 2014 12:51:03 AM
-- Edited by Jen61 on Sunday 13th of April 2014 09:13:20 AM
Aloha Jen...I love honest shares like this and I love to hear the "after" shares...you know the ones that come from the follow thrus because those contain the miracles which come as a result in following thru on the program of recovery. You're the wife of an active alcoholic and that is treacherous at best. Allow yourself the feelings of loss and anger and resentment and such. From m experiences those who live with active alcoholism are heroes and saints if the most that they can do during the day is stand in one place for a while and smile a relaxed smile. All of my heroes are in our program...all of them, bar none. While they were saving their own lives they showed me how to save my own.
Read your share as if you were someone else and pat yourself on the back for all the new growth and awarenesses you have gained and shared with you MIP family. Thanks (((((hugs)))))
This sounds like hard won ESH from being in the program a while. Hanging around the room (AA, Alanon, Coda, and/or ACOA) will make us eventually turn from being problem oriented to solution oriented. It's hard for me to live in problems now. It feels uncomfortable and setting myself up to be angry, resentful, sad....Those things are dangerous for me. They make my world ugly and I don't want to live in an ugly world anymore. My life and the world are gifts to be enjoyed and not suffered though. I suffered enough during my relationship with my ex-A and in my own alcoholism.
So I applaud you for living in the solution. I have some compassion for your AH only because I have had that same kind of client in rehab (where I work) about 10 times. The older male that got laid off or early retired with wife still working and too much time on his hands and they turn to alcohol. Retirement and aging are major life stressors. Without AA, people prone to addiction will pick up. With AA (and alanon I think as well), we are able to rely on each other and a higher power and get through anything. Just this week I was sitting in a meeting with a guy who had his legs removed due to diabetes, someone with terminal prostate cancer, people whose parents are terminally ill, others with chronic pain of different sorts... Everyone has their battles. If I don't go to meetings and stay connected, I think it's just poor poor me and I deserve soothing from a bottle boohoo! My point, these are just parts of life, but if I didn't get the message of recovery, I would think God was crapping on only me with every loss and every challenge I had. I used to think that way. Sounds like you used to think that way a bit too and alanon has freed and is continuing to free you from that.
Enjoy life regardless of what he's doing. Embrace others and keep in the solution like you shared. Great work!!!
Dear Jenny, Thanks so much for your honest share. I agree alcoholics all seem to say the same words and have the same actions. We who live with the disease seem to react in the same manner as well I guess this is because alcoholism is truly a disease with recognizable symptoms.
Glad you have decided to review your attitudes and responses and are determined to keep the focus on yourself,up your meetings in your new location and BE HAPPY.
I'm reading your share and at the same time thinking of my son. He now has that 3rd strike and he's out for for some time IN PRISON.
But I see your doing something about it for you and that gives me ESH that I too can move on and take care of me and not expect others to give me happiness.
Great share ((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
