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I thought I was being good and putting boundaries in place but unfortunately I can't and/or don't want to keep to them as I don't feel ready yet.
The boundary that I stupidly said was that the alcoholic could move back home after they had been sober for three months! Sounds reasonable ? But unfortunately my issue with them isn't just about being sober but an issue of trust and the behavior that went with the drinking such as they cheated on me just before we were due to get married. Unfortunately there was also domestic violence involved followed by harassment from their family due to the lies they told about me to make excuses for their drinking which led me to having a mental breakdown.
At the point of my breakdown my family were great and they helped me through it. I was also lucky to have some close friends that supported me 100%.
The alcoholic has since apologized for their behavior and says they regret the way they behaved and because I love them I agreed to try and work things out and they could move back in if they were sober for three months. Now the three months are approaching (fast) i know that I'm not ready for them to move back in as trust is still a huge issue for me. I also know that my family would be extremely anxious about it happening as they don't really want us to get back together after my breakdown.
There are also other things that I am worried that may give the alcoholic a reason to return to drink..
1. Their best friend is dying from cancer and unfortunately we don't know how much long they have
2. They are being taken to court for theft of a motor vehicle by their mother for borrowing her car for 10 minutes which they gave done many times before.
So at the moment I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have tried to leave it to my HP to guide me but so far I just feel like I am using this as an excuse to avoid a confrontation!
Any guidance on how others have dealt with similar situation would be great... Thank you
You are allowed to not be ready yet. It makes sense to observe how the A acts and handles life on life's terms before opening your house and heart up. You did not know at the time, due to several issues you mentioned, what 3 months later would look like for him, you, and as a couple. If the A drank over the 2 issues you mentioned, his sobriety he's build is very shaky. If it were me, I'd want to see them really embracing recovery, going to meetings, working steps and I'd want to see them doing that having no idea if it would get them back in the house. That would be a marker of starting to have meaningful sobriety. He (she?) should be able to discuss changes he is making on the inside and not manipulating others. So much more to work on in year 1 of sobriety and if the A is obsessing over getting anyone else to change ideas about them rather than making their own changes, I would be wary of the kind of sobriety they have...or if they are really sober at all.
I believe Alan on is about YOU. YOU have reservations. Pay attention and put your needs first instead of those of a still sick newly sober manipulative A that can only have gotten so much better in 90 days. If your HP is telling you it's not time, listen to your HP before the manipulative alcoholic (even IF he is at 90 days sober - which is still super early).
You have a right to change boundaries at any time. If the A is upset or doesn't think it's fair that is their problem. Just like the alcoholic doing anything to stay sober you also have to do ANYTHING to give you peace and take care of YOU.
Time is your best friend to make sure your life will have happiness..
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi Southern, you are always allowed to feel. And after having examined your feelings to make sure of your motives, you are allowed to change your mind.
If you arent comfortable with something you aren't comfortable with it
And if his mom isn't comfortable with him borrowing the car for 10 minutes, but was before, there is probably something deeper going on that you would want to examine and consider before committing to him and his family.
As pink chip said, alanon is about you. Evaluate how you feel, often the relatives friends and significant others of alcoholics (including me) get too dependent on the opinions and "love" of their alcohol is, and don't listen to themselves anymore.
I was married to an abusive A. He always said he was sorry until the next time. Even if sober, he still would have had the same abusive tendencies. After years of being divorced from him, I would have still been leery of getting into a car with him let alone living with him. I can certainly understand your hesitation. I agree with the others - there is nothing saying you can't change your mind. His not drinking or drinking is on him and not you. As far as his Mom filing charges for his taking her car - that sounds like a pretty drastic step - especially on the part of a Mom unless she is a drinker, too? I'm with Kenny, that would be a big red flag for me, too. Keep coming back.
A boundary is a minimum, not a maximum. You are allowed to alter your boundary whenever you feel it necessary. Especially when there's been domestic violence, erring on the side of caution is very wise and prudent.
You mention two stressors coming up in his life. All the more reason not to be on the firing line if he stresses out. But remember that you are not responsible for him not having any stressors in his life (as if we could prevent them!). In fact all of his, it looks like, are consequences of his drinking -- just the kind of consequences he'll need to experience to help him stay motivated to be sober.
Somehow we tend to fall into the guilt and worry so often. I hope you can release some of that and take good care of yourself.
A simple your just not ready yet works . no reason to justify . Just my opinion Louise