The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have a handful of wonderful friends. Friends that I am so tempted to confide in about my husband's addiction and bipolar episodes. There are many days that DH is perfectly fine, then episodes of addiction, OCD, paranoia, lack of sleep for days. I find myself making excuses (enabling), even having him hide upstairs while friends are around for fear of what they will think. I just don't know what their perspective is of addicts and am scared they will write us off. But I also think it could be beneficial for him to hear concerns from someone other than me. We recently moved across country and have no family around. I miss them deeply as they are very supportive.
I could go on forever writing but I really just want to feel that I am not alone...I just feel so lost. If anyone finds this post in the wrong place or knows of a place that would be better fit please let me know. Thank you
I am glad you have found us. There are many here who have been in just your shoes and who understand the things you're facing and that we've all faced.
The isolation of being with an A (alcoholic/addict) is terrible. If you are removed from your regular support system, even more so. The first thing I would suggest is that you find an Al-Anon meeting near you. There will be an entry in the white pages of your phone book. All the meetings are different and have different tones, so the standard advice is to try six different ones. For some people that would take six weeks, for some six days. There are also online meetings here. I can guarantee that there will be people at those meetings who know precisely what you're going through and who can sympathize like nobody else. The meeting will have much wisdom. In Al-Anon we don't advise people what to do (unless violence is a threat), but share our Experience, Strength, and Hope. From that what is right in people's particular situations will generally become clear over time.
My experience in telling people about my A's behavior is that they wanted very much to help me, but they did tend to jump in with suggestions and admonitions. "You should just leave him!" "Why don't you just explain to him that..." "Why haven't you told him you don't like him drinking?" "I don't get why you'd let him drink like that." All well-meaning, but I see now that people who haven't lived with an A don't really have a good or helpful picture of what it's like.
Al-Anon also has the Three C's: "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being alcoholism/addiction. If there were a way to make the A understand, believe me, we would have found it. We have generally tried so hard that if we could have found a way, there'd be no A's anywhere in the world.
This is by way of saying that I think you shouldn't feel bad that you haven't told friends who might have confronted your A and helped shake him up and motivate him to stop. Sadly, no alcoholic I've known or heard of has not been motivated to stop by someone telling them. They stop on their own timescale, if they do. Also sadly, the statistical majority of them do not stop. But again, if they do, it's on their own schedule. The only things we can do to help are to get out of their way (stop enabling and protecting them from consequences), and follow our own program of recovery. Sometimes recovery on our parts shifts the dynamic and the recovery spreads. And living with an A causes such chaos that our own thoughts get distorted and we get sucked into the craziness. When we start escaping the craziness, everything changes.
Welcome and I hope you'll read through these threads, find a meeting, get the literature, and keep coming back. Hugs.
I am glad that you found Miracles in Progress and reached out to share. Alcoholism is a progressive, disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured. We who live with this disease become isolated, lonely and confused by attempting to force solution and truly need a program of recovery for ourselves. Alanon is that program . Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number can be found in the white pages. I urge you to break the isolation and attend. Connecting with others who understand as few others can is an incredible resource for healing.
Keep coming here as well you are not alone and there is hope
Thank you so much Mattie and Hotrod! Your posts mean so much to me. I will be looking into meetings, there weren't any at this time and I really felt the need make a first step adn put myself out there. I'm pretty upset right now and not really able to get my thought out too clearly. I will come back when i am in better emotional control. Thanks again for your quick and compassionate responses.
Aloha ((((C))))...welcome to the board. HotRod already gave you the best suggestion I ever got...Al-Anon which saved my life. The program is all over the planet so you are not alone. It will be different that what you are doing now and don't let a little bit of fear stop you from going. Keep coming back here also cause this is family. (((((hugs)))))
yes yes and yes, feel and felt and still doing a little less lately all of that of which you have written about, you will find here and in the rooms of alanon the origin of why we do what we do and most helpful ways of undoing what we have been doing and how that allows us to feel, your probably like most of us that are here already you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and are feeling ready for stepping out of the hamster wheel?
This is the beginning of a new and helpful gift, by sharing what hasn't worked for us and sharing what does we can take what we like and leave the rest, it has been my experience to chose my friends wisely! there are amazing ones here
Well, first off, you have found the right place! Welcome to the boards and I hope that you do find a meeting to attend. You will learn more about you, your relationship with your A, and hopefully make some new friends, too! Keep coming back, ask questions, and know that you are loved!
Come back whenever you want, you don't have to wait until you are in control. MIP and Alanon are here to help you get the feeling of control back by helping you understand the things you can and can't control. We realize we can only control ourselves so we keep working on us!
