The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last night. A wave of sadness has overcome me and I have let the tears run out wildly. I think i had a sort of panic attack, feeling all my losses tenfold. well I thought it was good to cry and feel my pain after that I went to bed and had a deep sleep.
pity parties are a dangerous place to be in for me. for in that moment I hope to get rescued, my focus on myself leaves me completely, and wanders off to people in my life..the others. The others have this, the others have that, with my A I had this, I had that I miss the past and I forget the present. when this happens I make a list of what I've lost or could have had.and it's an astonishing long list, I'm so good at that. why is the loss list always ready made and long, and the gratitude list is so difficult to get together. If i don't believe in myself, how can I hope somebody else will. And why am I so hard on myself ALL the time? that phenomena is difficult for me to understand! why can I not just be plain ME and be happy with it fully, in every moment? BUt then again, yes I had to let go of a big dream, of a baby, not only do I feel guilty for that, but also guilty for having become pregnant in the first place, which brought all that additional drama. ok, the A would still have been an A, without that event. But why on earth have I chosen to walk that way?? Such an irresponsible irrational woman. believing in fairy tales. Life will never be easy and all harmony and happiness all the time. that belief is my dysfunction. I think I see that with others, and again my focus wanders offsee! with a partner, without a partner, with a child, without a child, with this, without that. partners change, children grow up and away, so it's just a question of time before everybody has to adjust again and that is painful.
LAst night I felt lonely, for I didn't remember that life is for everybody a huge battle. I am sorry, for I did everybody wrong. Wrong attitude, wrong belief, wrong assumption, wrong behavior. Just had to cry it out. the good thing is, i didn't call my exA in the falling. Maybe this slip even just had to do with us being in contact again this week.. i miss him or something, i love him or something, i hate him or something. I am learning a lot here. may peace come back, one day at a time.
Sis...I remember trying to sleep one night a while also after I had separated from my alcoholic/addict. I couldn't sleep. I was trying to count those little holes in the ceiling tile in the dark. I was craving and withdrawing all at the same time and realized that my pre-sleep habit was to hold on to, cuddle with my alcoholic/addict and now she wasn't with me. I needed to be held and so while laying there I did a weird new thing. I asked my Higher Power out loud to lay down next to me and hold me like she use to and...Higher Power did...I fell asleep and never ever lost sleep for her not being with me again. "God will do for me what I cannot do for myself" (recovery spiritual thought). Just don't get thrown by your stumbles you also have to count the times you stand tall and climb the mountain without loosing your grip. We don't hammer on Tortuga for not being perfect so you are not allowed to do it yourself. Please keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Tortuga, there is an alanon book about losses, transforming your losses, I think its called. I have only read bits and pieces but it talks about grief being something that could come up occasionally for a very long time, when your ready to face parts of it, it will be there for you to feel and come to terms with, then it passes but will come back. That list of losses is always going to be long when alcoholism is or was in our life. Its a taker for sure. Maybe the lesson is to not let it take any more. Self pity is my big enemy too and studying the others, I can relate to all you feel. For a while I pushed everyone out of my life because I thought they should have helped me, saved me, done more for me. It took alanon for me to realise this was self pity, it was not facts but just the state of my mind. Im so grateful to have tools to deal with all these self destructive thoughts and feelings that crop up and always will. Thank you for sharing, I always relate to your posts in quite a deep way.x
(((Tortuga)))
It's okay to stumble- we all do- but staying down is a choice, so we don't have to stay there for too long. Grieving is healthy, so give yourself permission to grieve your losses and process things as they arise so it doesn't fester and become too unmanageable for too long. Yes, life has cycles- and I never thought that my story would be that I am a divorced empty nester and my parents are failing to thrive in a nursing home, my FOO blames me for their own shortcomings and excommunicated me. I want the intimacy of good friendships- I have an awesome relationship with my daughter and am making new friends that share my values and am redefining my fairytale. I look to Alanon to help provide different perspectives; my perspective of your list is that if it is retitled, it is your goals and dreams list rather than the list of losses and adjust accordingly. Try sharing a daily gratitude and asset list daily with a trusted member of Alanon, and/ or your MIP family. Other things that I find helpful are: each day do one good thing for yourself and try and do something new once a week.
Biggest asset I see in your post that is glaringly wonderful - YOU DIDN"T CALL THE X!!! Yes, I'm yelling in great delight for you. The stumble you think you had didn't result in a huge fall. Applauding your progress, T. You're growing just fine! Life doesn't need to be a huge battle. It can be a glorious adventure with lots of thrills, spills and happy surprises.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 12th of April 2014 08:31:07 AM
So great to see your growth and awareness. And those feelings that are coming back are heralds for lots of other feelings as well. At least that is what I tell myself - that way I can at least celebrate feeling - because I think that for me any feeling is progress. I think we are allowed to cry and even to host a little pity party at a certain point because that is how we put our grief to rest. We know now that it doesn't help to wallow. Wow, what a wonderful lesson that is. We know that life has good as well as bad. And we are learning to accept the good and to cope like warriors with the bad - I think!
Thank you family for your wonderful support, as always. Bud, your thoughts on gratitude list gave me hints and ideas but i do have difficulties with these lists I have to say. it seems I'm stuck in Step 4. 'my perspective of your list is that if it is retitled, it is your goals and dreams list rather than the list of losses and adjust accordingly.' i like that, maybe I just have to get together a new kick of energy to reboot slowly. Jerry yep , huge withdrawal, damn this was painfulI can actually relate to the struggles of the A now!!! lessons yep milkwood, celebrating feeling, that's actually a good sign of being alive again, isn't it. if only I could reduce the intensity somehow. but my meditation helps. good for me! interesting question also, replacing the WHY with a WHAT for. I hoped to get an ego boost I guess, in all my dysfunctional relationships, trying to fix some, hoping to help some, saving the world. wow, was I megalomanic...
my therapist told me this week, he thinks that this episode with the A, and this person were actually great teachers so true, how much I am learning about myself in thisit's not about him. i guess beneath it all, love does that after all.
Time on step 4 is a good sign that you're processing what you need to process. It's so much practice, just like the lists- I fake it til I make it. Please be gentle with yourself- none of this is easy!
