I still love my AH - Al-Anon Family Group

texasgal · Senior Member

I still love my AH

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi TG, by working on yourself. Another thread is active here right now about how do you know you love somebody, there are some great responses in it. Many of us are codependent and feel like everyone's problems are caused by us. That's how your AH can give you BS like you are preventing him from staying sober.

Use your tools, get to meetings, and soon you will remember that you are a person who is not to be trifled with. And someday soon you will be able to feel sorry for that poor university student that he left you for, she's going to get a lot more grief than she ever bargained for!

Peace
Kenny

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I still loved my partner even when he fell in love with a girl half his age ( student of his ) . She would give him much more than I could ever give him. OK.....2 years later and this girl took everything from him money wise and then he caught her with another man. OK.....his problem

But you know I want back to him, I settled because I loved him....or was it really love?? 10 years later and I'm still at the same place in my life. I didn't make it better.

Take care of you and pray you make the right decisions for YOU.

(((( hugs ))))

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Time is a healer. I think when we are with someone for so long it is hard to get over them. We try to look at the best and not really wanting to see the big picture. I love it when they blame us for their drinking. I heard that myself from my AH. I thought wow all of you must read the same book because all of them use that excuse. Good luck and positive thoughts are being sent your way.

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

How do you get over him? You fall in love with someone else. Who?? YOU!! Take this time to learn to love all the great things your friends and family see in you.

Get a pet. There is no better way to learn about unconditional love than from a pet. Everyday my dogs show me how to give and receive love. They don't judge me. They don't verbally abuse me.

Find a hobby that interests you. It doesn't have to be time consuming or expensive. I go to thrift stores and buy fleece throw blankets. When I have filled a box, I mail the blankets to a chimpanzee sanctuary. I love shopping so doing this gives me a little purpose and I feel good about helping animals that have been retired from medical research www.savethechimps.org

Volunteer somewhere. There a lots of groups that need help. Battered women's shelters, animal shelters, nursing homes, homeless shelters, food pantries, meals-on-wheels. You will meet new people and help others at the same time. A couple of hours a week can make a huge difference in the lives of others while getting your mind off of your own situation.

You are the only person that can change your life. Hopefully you are at the point in your recovery where you can say to yourself; I deserve better and I am going to go out and find it. Just remember it is called recovery because it takes time to heal. If talking to your ex keeps opening up painful wounds that is going to slow down your recovery.

((( hug )))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

One day at a time. The greiving process is a process and indont think there are short cuts. It will pass eventually and you will come out the other side stronger.x

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Kenny had a great suggestion in reading the thread on love. I haven't responded, yet, still marinating in the question, but the other responses are golden. And the response you have received here are wonderful. Are you attending al anon meetings? I know of some people that have done 90 meetings in 90 days. Let the meetings work their magic as you sit with an open self and take in the wisdom to digest for yourself. You will learn the difference between healthy love and destructive love. By the way, he is feeding you a bunch of crap...cut off contact unless you have kids. Further contact is an invitation to suffer. Just my opinion smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Texasgal))) I hear your pain and can relate. I also hear the confusion between the disease and reality and how it also causes you hesitation; you're absolutely correct that you did not and do not have the power to prevent him from getting sober. (the 3 Cs- didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it) The disease and the abuse does a real number on our mind and our self-esteem; feelings can lie, facts do not. Please, above all, be sure that you are indeed out of harms' way- have a safety plan and a back up safety plan should he return.

My sponsor asked me do daily gratitude and asset lists as we started working the steps together- totally helpful when I stuck with it. Having been exposed to the disease for a long time for me had the affect of brainwashing; I was reminded to be patient and gentle with myself because it will take time to undo the damage; slowly my self esteem is being rebuilt. Wherever you go, there you are- if you decide to move, Alanon is there too.

It's ok to love the man and not the disease. You're holding on tightly to something- the ideal of how it was when things were good? the ideals and dreams of how you envisioned this turning out much differently? After working the program, I found that I had a death grip on fear- holding on like it was the last piece of chocolate in the universe... and the fear wasn't even real. Things can improve and miracles do happen- thanks to Alanon and MIP. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep doing the next right thing, and keep coming back (the 3 Ks

.

cmb · Member

Me too! That's the problem. All day I have been taking deep breaths, reading here, trying hard not to call my abf who wasn't very nice to me. After dating for 1 year, pulling me in and letting me go, I realized he didn't really care about me. Just his next script, next cocaine run, always the captain and coke. I miss him like crazy. Miss the good times, not more that the crazy times, but yea it's Friday night and if it was right we would be having dinner and relaxing together on a Friday night. I'm fairly sure he is sitting home alone, with his pills and drink and getting ready to get the coke.

Been through the hate with my XAH...new guy ... same disease. Sad but it's 6:40 PM and I'm ok...LIVE AND LET LIVE! I deserve NICE.

mongowal · Veteran Member

I would take a pretty good bet that in time, his new girlfriend will be hearing the same exact excuses you are hearing. It is heartbreaking. Know that you cannot cause him to drink or get sober, that is his choice and his alone. He is blaming you because he has to blame someone or he has to look at himself and in my experience, alcoholics really don't like to take responsibility for their actions. Take care of yourself and know that you didn't cause this.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I never got over my x and I learned I could live much more freely and happily without him. I chose to find things to do that I felt passionate about and fell in love with doing that which made me feel alive and contributing to something worthy of my time and interests. My x had several gfs following our divorce. I couldn't have been happier for him - and for me. He could focus all of his negativity on them and left me alone more often. Ultimately, he did marry again and walked out on her at 8 months pregnant accusing her of cheating just like he accused me. I liked most all of his gfs and ended up attending his memorial service with two of them. We all sat together and wondered where our heads were when we dated or married him. His daughter with his second wife had little use for him and chose to see the man her Mom married later as her "real" Dad. My daughter chose to see him for who he was and loved him anyway. My son still bears the scars of spending the most time with a man who never got sober and stayed sober. There is life beyond our sick spouses. We can love the person beneath the disease and the disease makes it impossible for us to have a healthy relationship to them in my experience. I'm glad that I did divorce him and I'm glad I found ways to contribute to life that were certainly not as painful or as crazy as living with him. You're going to come out of this mourning period with a newfound respect and deeper love for yourself as you continue to work your program. Keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow I have felt just like you. My way was just what you said, he is not the man I fell in love with over 30 years ago. that man is dead.

So I still love that man very very much!But he is dead, he really is, he is not the guitar playing, gentle man anymore. He does not believe in morals or doing good. this is NOT the man I fell in love with.

When you shared what he did and what he said, I am sure that does not even resemble the man you loved.

When or if we communicate with them it really is someone we would never want to even know now!

We can keep that sweet love! Just like I still very much love my first husband who died in an accident, I very much love the man I married in 99, who I lost to a brain surgery and he relapsed into a monster.

I hope this helps you. Love does not just go away in my life. I just have to face I put it in a different place.

My daughter has been away from me, her choice for 3 years now. Its hurtful, disrespectful and rude. I still very much love her. but for me I had to realize she grew into a woman I don't understand, who will not share with me why she stays away.

(She does this to her brother too)

I hope you can get something from this. What you are going thru is painful. for me knowing they can never come back to how they were, helped me to move ahead. hugz!!

texasgal · Senior Member

Thanks for all the kind words and thx for sharing ur experience. I guess Im in the greiving period. Especially since he has completely cut me out of his life. I have overwhelming feelings of resentment and abandonment. He carries on like I never existed. I am grateful I have met some wonderful people in the program and I am able to contact them. Im currently working on my 4th step and with the unkind words of my AH it adds to all my feelngs that Im already reliving. Im greiving the life I thought I was going to have when I got married. My AH told me that he would never cheat on me and that we would be married forever. That was a dream the reality is he had several affairs and he filed for divorce. Im grateful for Alanon through this program I am able to deal with feelings better and I know that I am not alone.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I learned in program was as long as I had memory I would never be divorced. Today my memory is the light before my path and I am glad for Al-Anon and all of the fellowship who taught me how to turn my life around; to have good and bad memories of intimacies I had in the past and not want to duplicate the behaviors which had those intimacies closely attached to awesome pain part of the time and then almost full time. I remember a thought force I learned in the program which intrigued me so much that I had to chase it. What the thought was "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" and from that thought came the progression "If I can love myself as much as I love them I will have justice". I had to learn and accept that is was reasonable and okay to love myself as I came from the disease that called me self centered and vain when I attempted to turn my attention from them and put it on myself. That is our disease "other focus and denial of self care". I still have that compulsion and when I fall into it the resentment wakes me up and then I can get back into giving myself justice. It works when you work it. Living in negativity is living outside of self care. Today I can change that thanks to Al-Anon. Keep coming back. Find something that works for some one else and duplicate that in your own life and watch it work for you. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.