Are my boundries too rigid? - Al-Anon Family Group

jillybean1 · Senior Member

Are my boundries too rigid?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Your boundaries seem fair to me. Keep your chin up! Sending you love and support!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

i agree, your boundaries are fair. He will figure out what to do and you do not have the power to set him up to fail. Keep the focus on you and your children. It is good that you are bringing your concerns here..we understand how rough this is. Big hug.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Apparently I'm having a hard evening as well. Are you saying he should get a job when he gets home? Or get a job to be able to come home? I agree that having him get a job to pay the bills is reasonable. Was he the designated breadwinner before? If so then double important he step back into that role.

And I'm not getting the thing with putting down the alcoholic? Does that mean stop enabling?

Sorry for my confusion
Kenny

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Your boundaries are not too rigid in my opinion. My AH and I are separated. I miss him and care about him too. But I came to the point I could not live with alcoholism any more. It took me 11 years to get to this point. My AH just got fired from his job a month ago and it feels unreal to me. He says he wants to do things too but I have yet to see his words put into action. Sounds like our AH's are very similar. Actions speak louder than words! I wish I could live with my AH without any alcohol at all. But he crossed so many boundaries I couldn't take it anymore. And then he tells me I am angry. Gee... I wonder why wives of AH would be angry?!
Stick to your boundaries. I think you will be happier if you do.

jillybean1 · Senior Member

Oh thanks everyone....for your input.

In our situation, we both worked at one point, then the kids came along and he became "Mr. Mom" he did a great job!!!! I had the career and then the kids got older he worked part time and then his mid life....depression --alcohol thing kicked in.........just when I retired and then realized what was going on.

I think I just want it to be settled.....either he will come home and stick to his program and be sober or not. If not, then the marriage will be over.......I just am very impatient (okay that is one of my BIG faults) and I am working on it.

So for now (as I have been doing) I will follow the slogan ---- Don't just do something--Sit there.----- So here I sit. But the difference is I am now calm and not freaking out while I sit----thanks to this program!!!!

Kenny, I was told that putting down the alcoholic means letting them do for themselves and not hyper-focusing on them. ( they put down their addiction--booze, and I have to put down my addiction to the alcoholic.

Keep calm and carry on!! Jill

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jillybean,

Great to hear that you are feeling calm as you sit there - it is a great programme isn't it.
I think that your boundaries sound good and loving for the both of you. I know it is tough to stick to these things but we all know what we need to see to restore respect. Sending best greetings.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

OK, I understand that slogan Jill, I have done that as much as possible when my AW came home from rehab and it has worked well. Who wants their failures/faults/defects thrown back in their face all the time, especially when they are so fresh?

I would agree, it needs to be settled. The other thing that the treatment center had us do was a relapse plan. She came home sober, and doing well, but what if there is a relapse? It's better to plan for it and have a plan that Ican just put into place, rather than have the panic that would otherwise surround it and a kneejerk reaction.

Peace
Kenny

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You not making him jump through hoops.....your asking for a grown man to be responsible. You are a grown woman, taking care of the home, kids, bills and everything else that go's with the job...he can do the same.

He's not your child so he has to learn what it is to take responsibility and you will never be able to teach him that.

((( hugs )))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a slightly different take on this since boundaries are for ourselves. For me, it's never too soon to revisit my motives, lurking expectations, and if my boundaries are effective. I totally understand how you're feeling and how important the desires placed in parenthesis are to you and I would want you to have all things good and more. It's not unreasonable to want him to work- but this may have to happen more on his and his HPs clock than on yours. Staying calm is huge!!! I have found that I can't force most things, and can not only exhaust myself trying, but I can make a huge mess of it too. Give it to your HP and listen, then keep doing the next right thing for you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember one of the symptoms of being an A? Manipulation.

He is asking to come back and have it exactly how HE wants it. A grown man, a healthy grown man would say honey I know you want me home, but I gotta get a job, pay off my bills and take care of me first. Then I can come be part of taking care of our family.

He is soooo no healthy. It can take over a year before an A is not shaking on his new in recover legs! Just the fact he does not want to get a job first is a huge red flag of that.

If you want it to be the same as before, have to support him too, and he will add to your responsibilities that is your choice.

Now play reversies ok. You have been sick, you are not well. You have places to be to get well. Would you want to go saddle yourself on someone who is already so full of responsibilities? Or would you want to get healthy, get a job, get a vehicle, pay off your bills, help with the kids needs, then when things are stable for you, go home and be the other pillar in the family?

He is sick, he has this opportunity many A's would love to have. His disease is talking to you, are you still going to listen?

This is why we are here for each other, we all get mixed up. We do our best to support you gently but no pity pot. Heyyou could go see him, write love letters, talk on the phone, go to movies, go on dates. You don't have to live with him to see him.

Its that fish and a bird fall in love but where would they live thing sorta...lets imagine a fish can grow wings in time ok...(c:

My mother said to me once, you can love someone but that does not mean you can live with them. hmmm I miss my Mother.

hugs honey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jill, he is an A, A's relapse. It is part of the disease. That is what al anon is all about. Whether they are drunk, sober, on a recovery program, they are still an A.

He will always crave the drug. Most always they relapse. It is a fact. That is why we must learn to look at OUR Needs, look at can we learn enough tools, detach from his disease, love him as is. yes as is.

We do not have a right to tell someone well you do this and we can stay together. If you don't we cannot. We do have a right to decide if we cannot live with this person how they are to end the relationship.

I have to be blunt about relapse. It is a part of being A as much as them craving the drug.

What he does is none of our business, we need to make decisions for ourselves, and for our kids if we have them.

I shared a long time ago, as much as I loved and love my ex AH, 30 years....a son.....adored him, two peas in a pod, my mate, I don't care if he was sober 10 years I would never, ever be married to him again. I could NOT go through what that disease of his put us through again. I would not survive it, true.

hugs honey. you will make the right decisions.

You know there are different kinds of marriages too. Each has their own home. I know it may not work for everyone, but there are many who do this and it is successful!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Relapse and craving are not part of my Alcoholism at this point, but that's only due to me continuing to work a program. Hence, your boundaries make sense for a person that is demanding and wanting all these things before even having a program foundation. When a person is blabbing on and on what they need or want in order to be successful and to them work a program of recovery well....RED FLAG....relapse on the way unless they can learn to put their recovery first.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.