The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized, as soon as A made contact again, how anger gets to me every time. They may be other forms of abuse, but under the bottom line, it is always anger that get to me. I learned in Al anon and through meditation how to stop reacting. For teasing and provocations were and are many. And I'm grateful for that. that's a huge improvement for me. But now that I'm at a bigger emotional and physical distance, i also seem to see more clearly how these negative mechanics work and have worked at the time. This too is a big help to me, since I can choose my options more wisely. I can clearly see how A wants to make me angry, even if I'm not. and he has done that many times, when I had been in a good mood. He needed to put me down somehow, and when he knew me better, he knew how and where to push my buttons. Oh wow, he has played big time with me, now I do see.Whenever I did something well, he criticized it, be it driving, cooking, hosting, creating, traveling, dreaming He couldn't have it, for he must have felt full of anxiety, confusion, for that is what alcohol did to him. maybe the dynamics worked this way. He was full of fear, me I was full of motivation, so he had to make me angry, so he could have me the bad one, so he could feel a little bit lighter the anger made me depressed and hopeless, and actually really demolished my self-worth. Being distant from him,m y energy somehow came back, the anger ebbed away, for I could see myself, not only his distortions of me. Making others angry, isn't it a form of passive aggressiveness. well it surely felt like it many times, and I couldn't understand where my frustrations came from. It comes handy to them. They make us angry, and then walk away, and anger does the rest, so they actually believe they haven't done anything. we demolish ourselves.
this is a little enlightenment for me. He tried it again this week. I was visibly a lighter me after 2 months of silence, so I could feel the turmoil as soon as he started his work on me again. well, I decided I won't let him. yes, little anger came up , still wounds from the past, but I know my role and my responsibilities, and I also know the limit where this responsibility stops. He is drinking again, and his anxiety is huge again, so I have to keep my distance, for I'm he 'anger play buddy', declared by him, for i didn't realize i was given that role by him. Well I don't play this game anymore. His frustration is his alone to deal with. alcohol clearly doesn't help, but he has other options too. i am thankful for this lesson. may HP take good care of him, for he doesn't know he is loved and cannot value that.
Life is beautiful on this side. I will replace anger by light humor (not to be mistaken for sarcasm, which is also a form of abuse)i t will take time, but it will be worth it.
love to you all out there. anger is a crap feeling isn't it!
Thank you for sharing that very powerfull realisation. A very good friend of mine who has been in my life for years and spent lots of time in the company of me and my ex a , told me recently that in company my ex would put me down, especially if I was enjoying myself and socialising. He would be sarcastic and jokey but he would critisize me for being me really and I would react with anger and then feel that deflated way. This probably doesnt sound very surprising but when she said that I was amazed because I think my denial went so deep that I couldnt see it. I mean, I felt it but the fact that it was obvious to others was surprising to me. My reactions to his behaviour kept me invested in our life together, so he was negative, mean, critical I reacted with anger, self pity, resentment and then came guilt so we fed off each others misery. I feel free of this today, although the aftershocks continue but ive got alanon for that. My ex is sober and in aa but I think hes still in that horrible miserable place and I do feel compassion when I think of him like that and I do want him to be free, I think he is some of the time because he does have a program. Anyway, that is none of my business thankfully. So glad you are feeling better, it is such a blessing that we can live and not just exist.x
Welcome to the light Tortuga! Great share!!! I can relate to your journey. Not only distance, but detachment too- beautiful! I have heard someone in the AA rooms say that they can't afford to be angry, as anger is life threatening to this person. I realized that truly applies to me as well- I cannot afford to hold onto it- thank HP and Alanon for helping me process and remove anger as it arises! I have learned to leave my exAH's anger and all that comes with it on his side of the street where it belongs. I will not carry a torch for it to further manifest. All his and all his to deal with.
I tried for years to deal with, ignore, deflect, dodge, fear or return anger from one consistently angry person in particular. In the end I realized I just didn't want to expend all that energy every day! But this also meant removing myself from the exposure. It seemed like the next logical step.
Great share!!! I can relate to your journey. Not only distance, but detachment too- beautiful! I have heard someone in the AA rooms say that they can't afford to be angry, as anger is life threatening to this person. I realized that truly applies to me as well- I cannot afford to hold onto it- thank HP and Alanon for helping me process and remove anger as it arises! I have learned to leave my exAH's anger and all that comes with it on his side of the street where it belongs. I will not carry a torch for it to further manifest. All his and all his to deal with.