The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I pray to god to give me strength and courage to get threw this divorce . I am at my total end of the rope .ah keeps violating the RO that's in place . And a stocking order. He came by this morning throwing rocks at my window then he came in the house . I didn't call police I really can't Handel any more guilt he placing on me. Wants to come back says he will try again to stop breaking me down . He does not understand to stay away from me . I don't want him arrested he will go to jail for a year . For violating court order. My children just got home and they came upstairs to see me and he was here again!! I'm sorry here is child support can you think about not divorcing me .i won't make it if we divorce . I know I should call the police because he should not be near me . But I'm still scared . He has this way to make me feel like it's my fault . I'm really confused about this . What to do . He will keep comming by when not suppose to .
If he goes to jail for violating the RO, he has chosen to go to jail. He knows the consequences of his choice to break the terms of a court order. It isn't our job to try to control the consequences of another person. It is our job to take care of ourselves. It is okay to show an adult that we mean what we say by doing what we can to let the right authorities handled what is too much for us to handle on our own. If you got an RO because you fear for your safety, then you will be given the strength to see that it is enforced, too.
Good afternoon .
I have some problems here. I need some guidance from all of you . My Ah sober but still very sick and god knows I want him better for himself. In the RO and stalking order has been changed so he can talk to children and see them when he would like. But now I'm dealing with him working my 11 year old. He is doing what his mother did to the children when she had them over the summer ,she a active alcoholic she used them to get information out of them and to spy on what I was doing. She bashed me in front of them and stood up for her son . I do see how the drink supports the drink still. My children are hurting right now , they are the last to get hit by this tornado that ruined this marriage . My Ah is now feeding the manipulation to my daughter telling her it's my fault he has to sleep in his truck , he has nothing to eat he cold he misses them . Ok I can believe he misses them but why now! Why didn't he pay this much attention to the children when he was at home ? He been gone from the home for 3 weeks and he has been talking to my daughter and meeting her at the bus stop daily , what gets my donkeys butt is why hasn't he talked to his 13 year old some he verbal and mental abused . He gave my son a card for his birthday but handed it to my 11 year old to give to him and he never called him to say happy birthday, also he doesn't see him at the bus stop and he hasn't spoke to him at all.. My problem with this is how he is playing against the kids . I been sick with a bad cold I'm trying to do my best here to learn how to take care of things in my home , things I never did before . He always controlled that. I do see myself getting healthy and there are some days I'm proud of my self by helping others with them learn what's boundarys they need to set . Yes I no I can't fix there problem only they can but for me it helps me more focus on me . I do practice what I preach and it just makes me stronger and love alaon more for me I find helping others with the same problem I can relate to them .
But today's issue is how can I keep my kids sane and not let the drink still manipulate my children . I do use my alaon slogan and tools at home with my kids ,but children see it as I'm trying to make them not like there dad when I'm trying to protect them from more harm he doing to them now .
Hi :) I'm sorry you are hurting. This is all so confusing isn't it. :(
A place to start with the children and everyone involved might be to allow the anger and confusion and hurt to flow toward the disease and dysfunction at work, but not the person exactly who certainly didn't ask to grow up to be crazy and diseased and dysfunctional.
I know that in love addiction and extreme codependency, the disorder like alcoholism can actually kill. I witnessed my ex from over a decade ago kill himself for fear he wouldn't be able to go on with out me - I was literally his addiction. People with love addiction who are in coda relationships are addicted to their own internal drugs, and it can feel so awful to withdraw or see there is another way to live (just like people who inject drugs into themselves) that they will literally fold.
It took many years to recover from feeling like it was my fault... as the addiction... I was made to believe it was my responsibility and I didn't know better than not to at the time. I didn't understand addiction or dysfunction at all at that young age of 21.
What I know today is that just like the alcohol itself is not to blame for an alcoholic's death or problems... the 'love' for the love addict is not to blame for the death or problems either. That means, You are not the responsible element. The disease and dysfunction behind it, that he has been epigentically predisposed to and didn't ask for is at work here, and has been at work for probably 100's of years. You certainly can't be responsible for ALL of That!
Remove yourself... let the chips fall where they may... don't blame yourself even if he and everyone else does... that is straight from the mouth of the disease, not the real person inside.
If the worst happens, you can call me for support - if you no longer have my number, PM me.
It sucks, but there is a reason you became a drug to him, through no fault of your own, the conditioning you had brought you to that place too... and those are things that the steps can root out. Once you discover that, you will have the clarity to heal all of it. There is a deeper love and greater life in store from there, and there is always help. No situation is too dire to be resolved if there is the capacity to be honest, or even the willingness to strive for the truth and honesty that your soul is craving.
Best wishes... and no matter what happens, keep coming back. Never give up on YOU! xoxoxoxoo
The steps of this program R, are just a scratch at the surface, but still important to do before you go deeper. I hope you are working them :) If not, please find someone to show you how they were shown, and please don't stop there...
