Getting Them Sober - Al-Anon Family Group

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Getting Them Sober

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I loved it for 2 reasons. Firstly, it described things that have gone on so many times in my relationship that I thought were shameful secrets...the abuse, the manipulation and my sad and frightened "please don't leave me" response which I was so horribly ashamed of- I thought I was the only person on earth who would react in what I thought of as an absolutely pathetic manner. So reading about it took away so much of that shame and helped me feel brave enough to start tackling recovery properly. It also pointed out how dependent the alcoholic actually is on the person he is constantly belittling and threatening to leave and that took away a lot of the shameful pathetic feelings too.
I felt braver after reading it, less afraid of myself, basically.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I resisted GTS for months because of the title - I did not think it was my responsibility to get AH sober! What a misunderstanding that was!! The books have helped me so much. Reading descriptions of other peoples lives and seeing my own behaviour reflected in their stories cut through my own denial in the most gentle but eye opening way. I still dip into the books when I feel as if I'm falling back into old habits and worries or when I need a bit of help reinforcing my backbone.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok, the avatar has kept me chuckling inside. I love it. The book was a worthwhile read despite the confusing title.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a great book and an easy read. It's actually kind of poorly written, but it gets the point across so well that I have forgiven what is normally, at least for me, a literary unforgivable sin.

It certainly helped change my understanding of what was going on, and was a very positive step in recovery for me.

Kenny

Mnuser320 · Member

Thank you for this recommendation... My office is becoming a library of self help resources. ;)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, thank you of reminding me: I downloaded the GTS number 4 from Amazon and there's something wrong with the download, LOL! I keep forgetting to call them.

As to how the book helped me: honestly it just shed light on areas of my life that I had kept in the dark for so long. I think it helped me with becoming aware of my own denial.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

This book helped me to really get the message that, "When nothing happens, nothing happens."

Here's one of my favorite passages, which Toby Drew shared in her online newsletter:

When we feel that he holds all the cards....... when we feel that there is no way that we can make it without him....... he knows that he's ''got us''. And therefore doesn't have to really listen to us.
But when we internalize what oldtimers in Al=Anon always said----------i.e., "you've got to want this program more than you want ANYTHING (i.e., you have to want to heal more than you want to stay in the relationship.)''--------- then, he has lost his power over you.

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED.

And when you know it-----------he knows it.
You do not have to say it.
In fact, it's better when you do not say it.

When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before.

Because, before------- he could get away with it all because he knew that THE BOTTOM LINE is that he could do anything because you are afraid to lose him.
And when they realize that you no longer are terrified of that-------- they lose their power over you.
Most of the time, the paradox is, you don't have to lose the relationship for you to heal and for him to lose his power over you----------- he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him.

It will go without saying.
And that is a much more powerful way for it to happen........without words.

You just finally realize, down deep, that he is not the ''Glue'' that holds you together......... emotionally, financially, any way.
He is just another of the 4 billion people on earth.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Best book in my library of al-anon books that have gotten me through the thick of it. Great post!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

AND if we went with WSO, we could not recommend it or comment on it.....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this is a popular book and it's mentioned a lot on this forum but that worries me a little because it's not cal and is it not better to guide people towards the actual program? Just my 2 cents.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.