i see my life - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

i see my life

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope, I understand that hopeless feeling and the anger. I think youve got alanon all wrong. Its a new way of thinking but we dont brainwash ourselves that everythings alright, thats a lie. Alanon helps us face the truth, the reality of our situation and ourselves. For me, I had to accept that alcoholism is a disease, that helped me feel compassion for the alcoholics in my life, that was how I escaped resentment, anger and bitterness. Dont get me wrong I still get angry but it no longer consumes me. Its all about me, I feel better when I dont feel like a victim. Alanon taught me about boundaries, I have a duty to me not to put up with unacceptable behaviour. That meant telling my son to leave my home and it also meant I am seperated from my ex h. Im not saying leaving is always the answer, it was for me. Some people can detach from their husbands and the marriage survives. For me alanon is like removing the bandais, exposing the wound, then using tools to work on our own lives. You have a right to a life but you need to take off the blinkers and see the reality of your life. You always have choices, why are you choosing this life that makes you so miserable?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Hope. I separated from my AH and then divorced him even though I had an 18 month old daughter and a 3 year old son with a part-time job that paid $4.50 an hour at the time with a mountain of bills. I was able to drag my children and me out of poverty, paid all my share of the bills that were ordered in the divorce judgment, moved from my hometown and all my supports, and started a new life when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6. Later, my adult AS came to live with me after his father died at age 51 and he had to leave my home, too. Al-Anon helped me deal with hard things and move beyond living in a toxic marriage. No one told me what to do, but the program helped encourage my growth and willingness to risk in healthy ways. Keep coming back. Right now, you might feel like you are trapped but you aren't. Keep working your program, too. It's not unusual to go through a tough time in the program and it gets better if we keep working it even when we don't feel like we're getting anywhere.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 04:28:39 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((hopes))))

I hear the pain in your words and understand. This is a powerful, baffling, and cunning disease and much too much to handle alone! I'm glad you're finding support in attending Alanon meetings.

It's interesting to read your comment regarding brainwashing- this is an important piece for me, as I had been brainwashed over the years living with my AH. My thinking became distorted. I am working on restoring a healthier thought process using the support of Alanoners and the Alanon tools. For me, Alanon has become so much more than a band-aid- it has provided new perspectives and skills for better coping, thinking, opportunities, and outcomes- with or without the AH. I have found the most efficient way to work the program is doing the steps with a sponsor. I was told not to leave before a miracle happened- and I have found that this program really works.

In support.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

First, ((((hugs:)))...I remember feeling similarly at one time in my early days here. I want to share a little of my experience here with you in hopes that you can take away a little ESH from what everyone has posted. I'm not suggesting that we have the same experiences, just that our experiences are relatable:) I'm hoping that you'll be able to feel a little more hopeful after you read everyone's shares:)

When I found MIP or it found me, at first I believes that in AlAnon I would learn the secret that would bring my boyfriend back to like he used to be. I thought that I would find the key to get him to stop drinking. Then when I got further along, I realized that there wasn't a magic word or sequence of steps that would make the alcoholic version of my bf go away. I realized I was as sick as he was. So I started to work on myself since that was what the books and everyone told me I needed to do. At that point, I still expected that he would stop drinking. I didn't understand how alcoholism affects us too. Of course, that never happened, and I became disappointed in myself, and in my A, then I began becoming frustrated with AlAnon. I was seeing things through my own sickness and started feeling very bitterly about the program, since I was still feeling that everything was about the A, and I wouldn't even need this program if it wasn't for him. I still was monitoring and searching and worrying about him. He stopped drinking and drugging for awhile and said he didn't need a program. I thought "Oh wow he's right. I guess it worked." But he went back to his routines and I ended up back at Al Anon. I began to wake up and see the traditions as something I need.

I'm already writing a book here, but it truly changed my life. I learned that I have to get better and find my own serenity in this life. I have to take care of myself, for me and nobody else. I can't do it for anyone else, not even my kids. The reason I say that is because I feel like if I say it's for my kids, I'm putting expectations on the outcome, then if my expectations aren't met, I'll have failed. I used to have a rigid schedule for everything, I think it came from being a single mom and a control freak ;) I stressed myself out so much that I was always an inch away from breakdown. Last year I finally had one. I learned the hard way that I had to recover on my own. I learned that the A was unable to be there for me. After a lot of crying and reflection I finally learned that If I have no expectations for my recovery then I'm free to experience the journey with no boundaries or schedule. I can do the steps over as many times as I'd like.

When I started looking at this program as a lifestyle, I felt much freer to experience it in my own way. Things aren't perfect of course. I still live with my A. He's still actively drinking, drugging, and playing games nonstop. I still have bad days, but I can come on here and vent, and someone out there will get what I'm saying. Lol. And I'm a strange person, but that's okay! I found out I can be a big weirdo and still have friends! Lol... Hope, all I mean is that Al Anon is your experience as it relates to you. I like your name because you can see it and remember that there's always hope for a new start:) Take what you like and leave the rest, we love you and keep coming back! (((Hugs)))

-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Wednesday 9th of April 2014 02:47:53 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I did my share of blaming my cross addicted spouse for all my woes...I spend much time in the "if only, then" or "when my kids are grown, I will leave" conversation. The truth was and still is if I did not work my recovery, I would have attracted another addict into my life, because my HP had to bring me the addict to show me my addiction of co-dependency. Kind of crazy how it works...and my co-dependency showed up everywhere. I know that how I do anything is how I do everything. Now that my thinking is clear (at least that is what I believe smile ) I can rewind my life and see where these tendencies began and how I fertilized and cultivated it. I did not have alcoholism or drug addiction in my family, there were other subtler addictions, but I sure learned how to be codependent and dang was I good at it! I have learned, through al anon, how to be free from behaviors/actions that use to keep me in bondage. A much happier way to live biggrin

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.