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Hi all ....thank you for the comments to my last post. I re read them and try to digest. My emotions are like a runaway train to be quite honest. My family member did have his surgery on Monday and all went well. My AH stayed home willingly, (but....)with our daughter so I could go to the hosp last night...he didn't ask about my dad-really was of no support to me at all. the old going to the hardware store for bread thing----as I shared with my sponsor....I knew there would be no support but geesh, it would have been nice. It is tough to be the child of a parent facing an illness and that whole role reversal thing and big life changing stuff.... tougher when AH is so dysfunctional that he cant get out of his own mess to offer much of anything. I know, I should never have expected it...but ...its a marriage...its hard to expect nothing. and its equally hard to not take it personally. He was rather cold last night no matter how I tried to warm up to him and then, that was my fault too....not being intimate in the "right" way.....REALLYYYYY????? I don't know. Im just frustrated and I don't think the alanon approach is working of me...I cant get the real hang of it "down deep"....I try for a bit and then WHAM...im lost and hurting and feeling so lonely it aches. I connect here ... most of my "live" friends have "moved on"...the one dear friend I have had through all of this and has some similar issues, I have not heard from I three months. I have reached out to her in several ways with nothing back. Im afraid she too is giving up on me....distancing herself like so many others do from my "drama"....I cant go to F2F mtgs as they are WAYYY to inconvenient as I kinda go in secret and furthermore my ah is dependable for childcare. I dread going back to therapy and adm "defeat" of sorts as the last time I was there I was ready to leave my marriage....and as I sobbed and said, Im afraid I wont actually leave...and , well, I didn't....sooo now to face the music as they say. I wish I could write more but I have to run to a mtg...here at my toxic work place, lol
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 01:26:50 PM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TOC: You just sound overwhelmed to me. I understand completely, especially with what is going on with your dad. My dad was very ill for 2 years before he passed and my AH was not exactly very supportive. As a matter of fact, he had a HUGE blowout about my dad and his wife about 1 month before my dad passed away. He told me about how awful my father was and how he was tired of hearing about my dad's illness and how sad and depressing it was, etc. It was awful and I honestly should have left my marriage a LONG time ago, just based on that incident alone. Yet, here I am, and here I stay.
Whether Al Anon works for you or not is a personal decision. All I can tell you is that my walk in Al Anon has not been roses and happiness, it's actually been quite painful. I just know from being in the rooms long enough, that peace will come to me if I work this program. I see it in others who have moved through it and pushed past their pain and heartbreak. You're doing the best you can with what you've got today, and that's OK. If someone judges you for staying, that's their problem and you don't have to take that on. You are doing what you are doing for whatever reason TODAY. That may change tomorrow, but only you know your life. Be gentle on yourself today! HUGS!
yes so so overwhelmed. the dad stuff, ditto. . .its so hard for me to be in the middle. i so want the peace of alanon to work and help me but im just a wreck. overwhelmed as you say. more later.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I understand all of the overwhelm, most, if not all, of us on this forum know what that is like. Most of us also probably know what resistance to recovery feels like....I am going to say this in the kindest way and hope that you don't take offense. It might be beneficial to just sit with the question "am I sabotaging my well being, and, if so, why?"
That's a lot to deal with, take it easy on yourself! Can you arrange someone to watch your daughter so you could go to a F2F meeting? I'm so surprised what a difference they make to me, but I understand not being able to rely on your AH to watch his own child.
I also understand your feeling of isolation and thinking friends have given up on you. Maybe the friend that is going through similar issues is having a difficult time right now and that's why she hasn't responded. I'm always afraid I've said or did something and that's why I don't hear from them but usually they are just busy.
I hit a place in program work where I didn't see the point of it - especially when it came to my adult AS. Since I didn't see anything better, I kept on working the program. I complained to my sponsor at the time that it felt like I was in more pain with program work than when I wasn't working it as earnestly. That was true. It did hurt worse - for awhile - and then it got better and I changed. My relationships to my loved ones also changed and I'm glad I kept going with the program and meetings. The Al-Anon pamphlet "The Merry-go-round of Denial" was a big help to me. The folks who suffer the most for various reasons are the moms and wives of As according to this pamphlet because we've been dealing with this the longest and are caught between the disease and the misunderstandings of our culture about alcoholism and how it affects people. We need the support of Al-Anon and we need the support of therapists who understand the disease and how it affects us. I hope you will keep going even if it is painful. I don't regret continuing with the program even if it did hurt like hell for awhile.
It certainly sounds as if you have so many difficult events happening in your life. It is understandable that you feel unsettled
Just a thought I thought alanon would fix my life instantly. I had to accept that Alanon does not have any magic formula or magic wand that I could wave to make it all better.
I found that when I finally understood the concepts that: I was powerless over alcoholism and that no matter what I said, or did ,no matter what terrible things happened in the family-- I could not force the alcoholic to change or understand or help ME. Acceptance did not mean that I liked this fact but that I understood that this was a truth that I could not change like the weather. I had to stop trying to change him and being hurt by his actions.
I also had to know the truth that I was not trapped but that I had choices. Being trapped was a terrible feeling and although The choices I had were not the ones I wanted I had to see and know that I had them . While I gained the wisdom, courage and serenity to make a healthy choice for my life and family I was given the principles of alanon to help me get there. Detachment, focusing on myself, living one day at a time, not projecting into the future , with prayer gave me the ability to finally evaluate my position and decide what I could do to eventually improve my life.
As Betty said, know you have choices. I used to think I was trapped in so many of the situations of my life, but that was before I accepted the fact that I had choices, I just may not like the other choices. But sometimes the choices I didn't like were better for me. And often, just knowing I had choice helped me to accept the situation I was in without having to change it. I would encourage you to think of your choices. Some of them will seem impossible, but think of them anyway. Just think of them, write them down if you need to, and then sit back and evaluate.
It takes a while to get any change "down deep". That is part of changing habits and behavior. you may go quite a while without that feeling that you have it "down deep". But if you keep it up, you may be surprised one day and look back at how you now "got it" and didn't realize when it happened!
You aren't the first to go through this, and won't be the last. I so vividly remember feeling as you! It didn't matter what the situation was, ie son being hit by a car and I was at work out of town. I could count on Nothing. I did learn to do this though! I learned to trust in and count on my higher power (God to me). Wow..... Lonely....terribly so. Intimacy? Non existent and ALL my fault according to my AH....:) Wow, so much I had to learn, such as an A's circulatory system goes kaput, and this is usually what takes them out in the end (esophageal varices). Well what else requires circulation for the intimacy to work? It is not you my dear. Just know that. It is Not you.......
