The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How did I become this person? I am completely unhinged.....again...after putting myself together over and over and over again over the years, I divorced (for the 3rd time...) , and relocated last year to my childhood state, bought a home and brought my mom (acoa) and my 52 year old unmarried alcoholic brother (sorry, don't know the acronym for this) with me, with the promise of another new beginning.
WhaT the hell was I thinking? AB still not working (hasn't in 5 years) and doesn't contribute a dime to household expenses; mom is a severe codependent, and today I landed in my doc's office with chest tightness and BP that has been fluctuating.. All related to stress.
I'm back on anti depressants, which makes me so damn mad, and tonight I hit my bottom in terms of how much more disappointment and anger I could tolerate over the dumbest reason, and I lashed out at my 81 year old mom. Shame on me!!
I've been to 3 alanon meetings, have attended 3 phone bridge meetings and have all 3 meditation books.. And I can't see the forest through the trees. I read the promises tonight, and couldn't get past the first 3 , cuz I can't see it happening in my life.
Yes, this pity party has left the station.
Hanging on to the slightest thread of hope.
-- Edited by Mnuser320 on Monday 7th of April 2014 11:25:01 PM
Can you clarify? Hope for what? Sounds like you are working hard and providing. If it's hope that your brother and your mom will change. Hope is nice, but any expectations?- why bother? Isn't 5 years of consistent behavior patterns enough to show they probably wont change? I see plenty of reason for you to have hope for yourself. Look at all you've done.
This is a great place to talk to people who completely understand and it sounds to me as though you have some great awareness going on.
When I was climbing the walls and wishing AH would change his behaviour I found that meditation helped me a lot. I also took some time to work out what treats I could give myself. Meditation helped me to take ownership of how I was feeling and it also gave me some quiet and peaceful time to be myself. Taking ownership meant that I could start changing my reactions. It was tough to realise that it was down to me to be the person that I wanted to be. But it was also empowering.
Interestingly, AH did stop drinking but, shock horror, my anger continued and I still harbour plenty of resentments. I still have lots to learn. But when I do manage to admit that I have these emotions in a self-loving kind of way I find it so much easier to go out and choose to do something soothing for myself.
Thank you for your honesty and for raising the anger issues - it helps to have a reminder of what we can (and cannot) control!
Sorry you are going through this. Detach with love could be the tool to use. Taking in your elderly mother, I understand but your not responsible for a grown man in his 50s. Can he get his own place and let you get your life back? Glad your going to meetings.
I was a 'manager' too when it came to the household. Had to control and handle everything because no one else could! Or so I reasoned. Letting go of all that sure has been a blessing. My children have had to learn to handle life on their own (no more getting bailed out when bills are due, etc.) My A had to learn to handle a checkbook and pay his bills. And so on.
My youngest brother has lived at home all his life. Dad died in '99 and asked him to take care of mom. Well mom is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and has said so. But she likes the company. She pays all the bills. All the rest of us look at our sibling now and we can see the fall he is going to have when mom dies. He will not be able to keep up the house, the bills, etc. He will shortsell no doubt. His personality is horrid because he has never had to be accountable. No filter to his mouth and everything is his, his, his. Mom has turned him into an emotional and mental "cripple" with her enabling.
Sometimes we can "love" them to death...
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
3 meetings is a beginning step. Keep going and keep practicing. You will see changes but those changes are usually slow and steady in my experience. I've been in the program for 35 years and although I'm further than I was before I started, my family has been affected by alcoholism for generations. Nobody entered an Al-anon or AA program that I know of except for me. I'm glad I did. Without Al-Anon, I'd have no idea of all the different ways this disease affects us. I'd still think of a lot of my experiences as normal and not a reflection of the disease.
I will not allow a practicing A to live with me and I would have to think long and hard about letting an A who has been in recovery for 25 years to live with me, too. Not because of them, but because of my own needs and wants. Before Al-Anon, I wouldn't give it a thought because there'd always be this little codependent belief going off in my head that I would believe that I could change them, cure them or control them. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm so glad I recognize that belief for what it is now - nothing but crazy-making thinking that Al-Anon helped me see and gave me the tools to change my thinking and change my life. I also had a codependent belief that I had in some way caused the difficulties in my loved ones life and in mine. I learned that I was just as powerless over how the disease had affected me as I was over my As and their disease and AlAnon gave me tools to work through some of my issues in ways that worked for me, too.
Thank you for your share. There is hope for you in Al-Anon and here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 05:01:21 PM
Thank you all for seeing a drowning person and throwing a lifeline.. I haven't quite made it to the life raft at this point, but trying.
I am simply shocked and appalled at myself for how fast I can go from being tired, but calm, to an angry lunatic!!!! I have lost every verbal filter I knew. My rage simmers just below the surface.. I don't even know how to have a conversation with my mom or brother, without feeling a wave of anxiety and anger wash over me. I work from home, and they are both home and after work when I want to enjoy a nice glass of red wine, without fail I am eventually provoked into another angry tirade!! Wth?!?!?!?! But I don't express anger just to express anymore, my intent apparently is to cause PAIN!! That is just sick, and needs to stop. But Will I need to rid my house of all alcohol over this? Is that a dumb question?
Anyway, Kismet, thank you for your share. it sounds very similar to my situation. One area I need help with is setting and enforcing boundaries, especially with my AB. Cuz I clearly don't know how to do this. Maybe you have a resource?
I am very thankful to have found this board, and will continue to work the steps.. praying for a breakthrough..
I have pretty much cleared my life of all things alcohol to include those who use alcohol. Alcohol works as a depressant for me. I don't want to be depressed. So, although I drink a Bailey's once a year or once every two with friends on a holiday - I don't drink it at home and I don't drink it with my As. I don't fear having alcohol in my house - I don't see the need to have it here - and because my teen grandson visits here - I don't want it around for him to try. I don't make a big deal of it. It just isn't something I need or want to have here.
It is good that you notice that you are choosing to inflict pain. That shows me that you have some self-knowledge that is an asset. It got so bad for me when I was married that although I didn't choose to inflict pain I did entertain thoughts of his hopefully being killed in an accident. That's when I knew I was in serious trouble and got help. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't live with the disease.
Boundary setting comes with time. I learned if I set a boundary in anger I was slamming a door that would spring back open at some point because I didn't have the energy to hold the door closed once the anger dissipated and I'd feel guilty because I had acted in anger. Listening more deeply to myself and to others in the meetings helped me establish boundaries for myself that I could live with that included moving my x out of the house.
Glad you found us and that you want to continue in the program. The fact that you started the program is a breakthrough as is finding MIP. Good work.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 8th of April 2014 09:12:07 PM
My addict brother in Law lived with use for awhile, long before I understood addiction. He was clean at that time he came to live with us, or at least acted plenty clean, but had had a number of experiences that, now that I look back at them, were classic indicators of addiction.
My wife talked him into going to aircraft mechanic school, and he excelled in it. He is very smart, and can pick up everything quickly. After graduation, he got a job as a contractor in Iraq maintaining generators for the military. I was sure he would do great, because he did great in school, had always been helpful around the house, had a good attitude, etc. He seemed totally clean.
He came back from Iraq in some serious trouble in about 6 months, the stint was supposed to be 2 years. We still have no idea what happened over there, but he got in trouble and came back with some serious amounts of cash that he didn't feel comfortable spending. Except on drugs and hookers in a hotel across town. That lasted about 6 months, then he finally came back to our place. His attitude and behaviors had changed significantly, and he couldn't hold down a job, had a crappy attitude, and was getting jobs like selling coupon books door-to-door. Was verbally abusive with my wife. We finally had to ask him to leave, he couldn't get straightened out. After that I found things that he had bought off me and never finished paying in pawn shops.
He had to leave to be able to protect the rest of the family. He couldn't stay while he verbally abused my wife (his sister) in front of my young son. He has lived in flophouses, friends houses, etc. Something was always happening to him that was unfair, room mates stealing, crappy house, etc. He finally got a job as a machinist and has been doing pretty well, but he's really white-knuckling it. But he has made it, and is having a decent life, staying totally to himself to stay out of drugging and drama. It would be so much better if he were in real recovery, but I have no control over that.
The wife and I had to figure out what was more important - my brother in law, or our family. The choice was clear. I hope you can come to a clear understanding and choice of what is going on.
Thank you Kenny.... I can relate to so much of your story.. It can be overwhelming to even think about having a conversation like this... But need to do something fairly quickly.... Boundaries need to be set. I just don't have the courage to enforce them.. And I am not sure why..
