The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH asked me to take him to the hospital last Friday night. I refused. It was hard because I knew his blood alcohol level was high... he had been drinking for days I don't live with him but I feel a sense of obligation sometimes. I talked to my sponsor for a while before I decided to give him the AA hotline # and do nothing more. I also did not allow a teenage relative of his to take him either. i knew it wasn't healthy for her to take him either. My sponsor kept telling me he is a big boy and he can call a taxi. And that's exactly what he ended up doing! It felt good to know I did not have to intervene and he took care of himself...which he should be doing anyway! I feel proud of myself yet I still feel so overwhelmed from the emotional toll this takes on me. I still care about him but I also feel so much anger towards him for not being serious about working a program and staying sober. I honestly don't think he can stay sober for very long. He hasn't been looking for a job. I had to call the IRS today. Tax time is not pretty for us. But the call went fairly well. feeling like all these changes are catching up to me. I am hoping to continue to detach. I will also stop asking people to call him to check up on him. One day at a time!! I am learning. Thanks for listening
Thats really good NG. That is the first step and a great, clear example in my opinion. Its a powerful message to him and one that is very kind and caring because you have told him, with your actions, that he is capable of looking after himself, hes not a baby and you are no longer playing the role of Mummy. Detachment is easier for me when I look at it like this, if my son gets himself into a mess and I want to run to help or fix, I ask myself are my fears and what ifs controlling me? because this is harmful to my son, acting on my fears is hurtful and an act of unkindness really. Its a selfish act because its to get myself short term relief from my own fears. Doing nothing is actually a loving, kind act that can be the driving force for change in my experience. Thanks for sharing.x
That is so hard. Keep it up, soon it won't take the emotional toll on you. And likely he will stop calling because he knows he won't be able go get what he "needs" from you!
Very good work. He got to practice the first step also and hopefully come to understand he has got to play a part in his own healing, healthy and sobriety. You're not up against "him" you're both up against a deadly fatal disease and this is playing hardball. From my experience...hardball gets it done. ((((Hugs)))) for your fear and frustration and crappy feelings. This too will pass.
Brava Newlife Girl - I am imagining you walking tall in your new 'no' shoes!
Ditto to what Elcee says about expressing love when you show others that you trust them to be capable of looking after themselves. Thank you for the reminder. ((((Hugs)))).
I am a co-dependent & have always had a hard time telling people no. Through Al-Anon, I've learned more how to say no & not feel guilty about doing so. We have to take care of ourselves...even when others choose not to take care of themselves. Detachment is a wonderful tool in freeing ourselves from the continued mind-games people play (not just alcoholics but everyone in our life).
