The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this group. Looking for somewhere to lay down my burdens. I have been married to an alcoholic for 13 years. We have 2 children. For the most part we did make a good life for ourselves, despite the problem drinking. My husband has always worked, took care of his responsibilities, and basically for the most part was a "functioning alcoholic" (if there really is such a thing.) He always would come home every evening and have drink to "relax." Several times during our marriage he would stop or slow down, but that would never last too long. The past couple of years have he has been steadily increasing the amount of drinking. His health is visibly declining. He has lost so much weight and I constantly worry about him.
Basically, in the last few months he has chosen to stay up (by himself) to drink all night, and in the morning he does not get up for work. I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease but that does not make it easier to stand by and watch. My husband has went to counselling but really has not put forth the effort, only uses that as excuse to say that he has a problem, as if it is okay. He makes promises to quit "next week" or says this is my last drink, but it never is. I find out lies/ deceptions all the time for the last couple of months that he has made to cover his problem. Now, we have lost possessions to him selling or pawning in order to get beer money. I can not trust him with a debit card or any valuables. There is no thinking only impulse to get his drink.
I am lost because I love this man with all my heart but I can no longer be a bystander to his alcoholism. I have to learn how to let go of what does not belong to me (alcohol) but that is much easier to say. I just want to "FIX" my alcoholic, and it terrifies me to leave him alone, even for a night. What if he falls? What if he leaves the stove on? What if..What if..? That is all I do day and night. I do not sleep because I am consistently up checking on him. It is really like having an infant again.
-- Edited by ct1203 on Sunday 6th of April 2014 03:52:42 PM
Im sorry your going through this. Its terrible when we dont get a good nights sleep, operating on that kind of anxiety level all the time is unsustainable and will make you sick. Thats the part I struggled with the most, the lack of sleep. There may be practical things you can do at night, can you turn the gas off at the mains? Or put a padlock on the kitchen door, anything to allow you some peace. If he falls then he falls. Sounds heartless but he is not a toddler, hes a grown man and if he drinks too much then the natural consequence could be that he falls. Is it that much of a big deal? You having a sleep is more important in my eyes.
His disease may have progressed to a level where you can no longer ignore it. You can get the help you need in alanon, there are meetings everywhere. The website will give you that info. Our thinking becomes distorted when we live with an alcoholic and lose ourselves in the chaos. I hope you reach out and go to a meeting.x
Welcome ct I am glad you reached out and shared your burden. MIP and Al-Anon are both powerful resources for anyone who has lived with the problem of alcoholism. We understand as few others can. You are correct in the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. AA is a wonderful resource that has helped many alcoholics find sobriety.
Al-Anon is an organization that was developed to help families of alcoholics. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and attendance at these meetings is recommended. The hotline number is found in the white pages and is here that I found the support, understanding and constructive tools to live by as I learned new coping tools.
Alanon face to face meetings and online groups will offer you support and tools to live your life to the fullest.
It sounds like you have a fair amount of awareness of alcoholism already. It sounds like you are at a point where you could do the first step of our 12 step program, which is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol. Powerless sounds like such a weak word but it could be the most powerful word you will ever use.
With the admission of that, I came to the understanding the I couldn't control my alcoholic wife's alcoholism, nor her rehabilitation, nor the crazy things she did while she was active. Once she got her 2nd DUI and was in jail for 10 days, she finally got serious and decided she didn't want to live her life like that. I couldn't do that for her.
If your husband hurts himself it may be the motivation he needs, who knows? But your family has to have at least one functioning person available, and that is you at this point. If you could work your own recovery program, a program that would surround you with people with similar experiences that have genuine compassion for your circumstances because they have been there themselves, you would receive tremendous benefit from your burdens. This would be Alanon, and it is certainly my experience with it.
Come here and post. Go to online meetings. Go to face to face meetings. Just go and try it, it seems you have nothing to lose at this point.
Yes, we do understand those feelings, the anguish, the what ifs, the worry and most especially our powerlessness over the disease and our loved one who has it. We know we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. But fortunately, we can help for ourselves whether or not our loved one stops or keeps drinking. Al-Anon, many of us can say, has been a lifesaver for those of us who love people with this disease. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.
Welcome. I will tell you my story in a nutshell. I have been married for 11 1/2 yrs to an alcoholic. I moved out a month ago because his drinking got worse too. He stayed up all night and drank often just like your husband. He barely made it to work. He just got fired from his job a month ago. My life has changed dramatically. I have been going to al anon for a year. I have a great sponsor too. If it wasn't for al anon, my sponsor, and my higher power God I would not have had the strength to move out with my kids. I have been worried about him as well. Last Friday he took a taxi to the ER because he had a drinking binge for 3-4 days. I refused to take him to the hospital. The first time I really detached was when I told him no. He took care of himself!! Imagine that!! Alcoholics will not stop drinking unless they really want to. They know how to get help. It is not our responsibility to mother them. They are big boys and they need to figure this out on their own. That is the best gift we can give them... Nothing. They need to look in the mirror when they mess up. You can give him your local AA hotline #. Those people will help him and they understand him like we can't. Remember to take care of yourself. You cannot make him change. DETACH:'"don't even think about changing him"
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 7th of April 2014 04:44:41 PM
