The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
seems as if when it rains it pours. . its pouring yet im strangly calm. . not really, i think maybe im avoiding. where to start. . welllll. . saturday nite. . im home. .ah out. daughter has a friend here tonight. i tend to worry what her friends think and or tell their parents when they see that my ah isnt home. usually i would obsess about it tonight, im just, well, not. lets see. . im pursuing two job possibilities to hopefully get me out of my terribly dysfunctional and toxic work environment of current. my dad is having prostate surgery on monday to remoove cancer cells. . im strangly flat in my reactions and feelings. normally i would be frantic but lately im feeling oddly disconnected. not sure its a healthy thing. .but its where i am. i will go to hosp monday when i get out of work. is that enough? like i said, i just feel disconnected. my 90 yo gram spent last pt of week in hosp in undx pain. she was then moved to a nursing home rehab floor. i havent called or visited. maybe later in the week as she is near my work. byt again, disconnected. my other gram is in a nursing home nearby with alzhiemers and other complications. . i saw her in febrauary. . going to visit is just hard.i sent a note and pictures. is it ok? my bro baby is almost 7months old and ive probably only seen him a half dz times. . they live 20min away. but i just dont feel connected there either. a friend of mine has been strangly unavailable since i last saw her in dec, we use to get together monthly. . i have called, emailed and even sent a card. . no response, no connection. im not sure what im feeling. .i dont feel like going back to my therapist. i havent pushed marriage cnslg since my last threat to leave my marriage. . im eating lousy. im kinda bored. im just "being", . not sure what to think or feel.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Sometimes we get numb. It sounds like you might be numb, which is okay if you accept it as where you are supposed to be. It's such a constant turmoil living with an A, then we find help in various ways, HP, Al Anon, but the physical body has been through such constant stress and the emotional body, beyond normal stress, perhaps the numb feelings are the way we reset everything back to normal. Kind of like a reboot. Prayers and lots of support. HP will guide.
that makes sense. when i stop and think over these past few weeks. . im exhausted, ive been broken and stressed. yes, im now numb. im trying to just let it be. .to let rest come, to.let my God hold me while i rest. thank you for these words for not judging, for reminding me, im ok.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
It certainly sounds as if you have many difficult issues that you are attempting to find balance for, as you continue to take care of yourself and your daughter. It is lovely that she has a sleep over friend and remember that what others think of us is none of our business.
Just keep taking care of yourself, continue to take care of your daughter, and do the best you can with dad's surgery. grandma and visiting your brother. Remember you are a professional with a full time job, you are a full time mom and wife You can only stretch yourself so far .
You are doing the best you can and that seem like enought to me.
I like that you saw the need to connect and connected. Perhaps this is a time of rest, time to take a break. In the process, be mindful of HALT and take good care of you.
I can relate to a lot of what you have written about. The shame I also felt due to living with alcoholism and the fear that outsiders would find out and judge.
The feeling that everything was piling up and I felt helpless and so disengaged with the world. Its like a coping mechanism, if you were to really face it all then maybe it would be too much. I get a sense that you feel you should be doing more for other people, your gran, your brother, your dad. Maybe you feel you should be helping and fixing, I know that was my default position on everything. I felt so much guilt, thinking that I should be doing so much more. Give yourself a break Ocean. You are only one wee person on this great big planet and you have responsibilities to your own life. To you. You cant control any of the issues your family is facing, all you can really do is pray, and let Go. You are dealing with your own issues within your own family and this is a big issue that can keep you really busy if you let it. There is freedom but you have to want it. Alanon - listening at meetings, keeping my mind wide open, committing to my own recovery, working on me have been the only answers that got me back in the land of the living, before that I couldnt support or help anyone really, I was too deep in my own messy life, I needed help, real help that would deal with me. Go to a meeting, reach out, ask for help with real live people who know what your going through. Whats stopping you?
I wouldn't worry too much about the "numbness". I remember when I first left my AH and started going to groups plus church 5 times a week that it was overwhelming, and then there came a point where I felt like I was just coasting or even not going anywhere. I had to just let myself be. I think it was a time I got to just take a break from all the chaos of my head, even though I still created my own chaos cause I was worried about not "growing" or "learning" etc. We are always growing and learning sometime we just don't know it til later. Trust your HP.
Many blessings
