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Had a bit of a moment today. (a good moment, I think)
That guy that I live with has been saying nothing but sweet things for the past few weeks, telling me he loves me, he misses me, he wants things to go back to how they were. I've been feeling a bit agitated because his words might be nice but in reality his dishes are piled up, his clothes strewn about the floor again, his share of the bills goes unpaid, my car is still full of empty bottles and the carpet is going mouldy, he's still asking me to buy him beer and cigarettes by suggesting that I want them (I've been on nicotine patches for months now and really have no taste for drinking at all anymore) but he insists that I "need" beer and cigarettes and when I say no he gets angry, "well don't expect me to drive you to the shops later tonight when you decide you want them". (OK, ??) When that doesn't work he tries to pay me back some of the money he owes me by buying beer but comes up with weird convoluted plans where I give him the money to buy it and he buys a case then gives me half and next week he will do something or other and when I say no to that too it's stupid angry comments like "well I tried to pay you back the money I owe you but you said no so that's it, don't ever ask me for it again". His repayment schedule seems to involve him borrowing more from me each week, spending it on beer and giving me half, then drinking the beers he bought me anyway and then complaining that he "can't understand where his money goes" when he only drinks one case a week and I drink several because he is a responsible hard-working man and I am some kind of succubus-thing that guzzles beer and enjoys nothing except for living and breathing him and his problems.
The things he tries to get me to agree to are so bizarre; I can't believe I tried to rationalise my way through it for so many years. After I posted a few months ago about the stupid arguments we had about who buys more beer I felt kind of silly and realised I needed to examine my own relationship with alcohol and work out how important it is to me really; I have my own history with drinking after all. So I decided to see how I would fare without it and guess what? Pretty happy, don't miss it and I've been reading a lot at night until I am sleepy instead of having those requisite drinks to numb me. Totally addicted to Neil Gaiman at the moment, I wish he would write more books because I have nearly run out. Actually I am continually surprised at how my "vices" have ebbed away since I started the whole alanon process and how much I really enjoy the "boring" habits I am drawn to like reading at night or having a routine where I do program work every day before I start study. I like being simple, uncomplicated, boring Mel who sleeps at night and does normal human stuff during the day. But he's pretty upset that I have crashed his beer economy and it's really bizarre to watch him drink his 3-4 cases per week and still insist that I drank them when I'm being a total wowser and not touching any of it. I guess it's a codie thing to not trust my own perceptions until I have proof.
So anyway, as I have said, he drives my car wherever he wants to go and I catch the bus or walk or pay for a taxi and I've stated several times in the past few weeks that he has to clean my car and start being fair about driving me places sometimes and he keeps saying 'OK" and meanwhile the car is still filthy and there's always a reason why he can't drive me and at the moment it isn't even registered since he is supposed to pay for that as long as he has sole use of it and today I asked him to drive my daughter to a house a few streets away for a sleepover because guess what- I have a recurring stress fracture in my foot from years of walking everywhere with an over-loaded back-pack and it has flared up again and I have to stay off it because I don't want to end up immobilised again with a broken foot. He threw a tantrum, some nonsense about how he told me he was having Saturday for himself and he wasn't going anywhere and I realised something while I was walking my daughter to her friends house with a strapped up foot.
The only way I can stop him from taking advantage of me is to be away from him. There's no managing this. This is him being "good" and "proving to me" that he can be a good man to me. This is him giving his very best. All I see is an overgrown baby trying to manipulate me into being his mummy and trying every tactic he can think of. The nice words mean nothing because the actions are still so freaking childish and selfish and this nonsense that he is "trying" and I am being cold and not responding is, frankly, pathetic. What is he trying exactly? It's like someone is smacking me in the head with a shovel and smiling and saying "you're so beautiful, I love you". SMACK. "Why aren't you happy? I said I love you". SMACK. "What's wrong with you? I'm giving you everything you ever wanted". SMACK.
And meanwhile my heart is all twisted up and hurting and it's horrible to push away someone you adore when they are saying all of the right words and holding up their arms to you. Because lets face it, I'm pretty starved for affection and it's hard to say no even when I know it's going to end in the toilet.
So I enjoyed Serenity's post about moving into a nice townhouse and I got looking at real estate. She mentioned that her new place has a bath and I remembered that I had a bath in my flat, back before I met this soul-sucking guy and I loved it. I had a stereo in there and I would soak and exfoliate and shampoo and sing Led Zeppelin and Queen at the top of my lungs and be ME and feel free.
So, I want a little house or a unit. A yard doesn't really matter because Bowie doesn't go outside anyway; he lives at my side and only walks when I walk. A townhouse would do fine, as long as it's pet friendly. Somewhere in town near my daughter's chosen high school. A courtyard where I can grow fruit and vegetables in big pots like I used to. It's easy; there are heaps of old houses like that for rent. I just have to let go of this damaged man and get it through my head that there is no divine purpose to my staying with him. It wasn't written in the stars. Why is it so hard to let go of something so destructive and dangerous to me? Haven't I realised yet that my existance is valid without a ruined man depending on me?
I feel like I am so close. But not there yet. There's still something I haven't quite let go of. I still have this painful image of him struggling without me, missing me and falling apart. That isn't about him, that's about me, still needing to believe that he depends on me. I'm going to grasp this one day soon, shake it severely and let go of it. Just watch me.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Saturday 5th of April 2014 01:37:27 PM
Melly you are so awesome. Seriously. I can't wait to watch you and will be cheering the whole time. On a side note, the loving caring words are so wonderful and yes when we are so starved for love, its interesting what we will accept to feel even a sliver of it. Very very awesome post, I am so proud of you.
He does depend on you, Melly. He'll learn how to depend on himself because he will have to or he'll find somebody else. Babies learn to crawl on their own. We just get excited and cheer them on. They learn to pull themselves up by doing it. When they fall down and bang their heads, we kiss them and release them. They go right back to pulling themselves up, but the next time they fall, they hold on to the chair and drop down on their bottoms. Then, they start taking steps holding onto the table and later holding on to our hands. Again, we aren't moving their arms or legs, they do it. We just cheer them on or support their wavering first steps away from the table after baby-proofing everything to the best of our ability. He's not going to get better because you're there. He's going to get better because he has the desire to do it or sees a need to do it.
Perhaps this desire for your own place is your HP cheering you on as you take your first steps toward getting out and getting on your own? You are already loved by the people on this board, your grandma and other people in your life who can't make the move for you but know you can do it. You've given birth to a child and raised her to her pre-teen state. You've gone through a lot of trauma. You've found a place to live close to the sea for awhile. You're engaged in recovery rather than denial. You've stopped smoking. You've kept yourself alive. You can do it, Melly. I believe in you and your ability to find a place of your own and to move into it with your HP's guidance and support and ours, too. And I believe you will do it in your HP's timing and way. (((M)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 5th of April 2014 03:55:32 PM
Catherine is right Melly. This man needs you....your his last enabler besides his mother. Let him go back to mom. Let her have the problems. He will make it, they always do. When your ready it will happen or it won't.....it's your choice. We are here to support you.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Your awareness is growing Melly, your getting there.
I remember feeling this way about my ex. I felt sorry for him and I felt that I couldn't destroy his life by leaving with his kids and he had such a horrible childhood and I was all he had blah blah. I really bought into the pity party that he needed to continue avoiding himself through drink. It felt good to be needed to be honest, I had also secluded myself so I thought I needed him too. The world was a scary place to me when he was in my life even though he helped me feel that way, I couldn't see that and it made me cling to him. Leaving seemed terrifying to me so I kept sweeping the dirt and mess under the rug and kept on in my denial. It all came to a head when my eldest son reached puberty, his behaviour went down hill and I believe it was due to that dirt and mess, he couldnt play the part of happy families, so we went into crisis and that forced me to make a change, so I left. When I did, yes he did go downhill, i think it was a deliberate ploy to get us back. Play the helpless victim, it had worked in the past. It took him a while but he accepted that we are over and he is in AA now and seemingly doing well. He always had it in him.
Letting go of my son has been much harder but this time around I have Alanon and its this new thinking that has saved my sanity. Believing in a higher power has helped me see that my son has his own survival instincts no matter how he tries to convince me that he needs me to take care of him. He is capable of taking care of himself, it just suits him to act helpless and hopeless in front of me. Another important thing I came to realize that helped me let go was the fact that I make him regress, I stunt his growth. This is because I react to his crazy choices and I go into fix it mode so this stops him facing his own problems on his own, it stunts his learning curves because I steal them away. My relationship with my son is an unhealthy one, like you with your BF but the healthier you get the more obvious it becomes. You may find that if you take the steps to end this he will actually do what he has always been able to do, your his audience right now, hes playing up to you much like a child would and my son does.
This journey of self discovery has helped me see what is within me that made me stay and many of the issues are similar to the alcoholics. I am dealing with these now but its very difficult to fully embrace recovery when an active drinker is still there putting on the nice act and pushing all those buttons that we showed them at some point. The key is to turn those buttons off.x
The thing that comes most to mind is, I deserve SO much better! You deserve so much better. If you have to live alone the rest of your life, living alone the way that makes you happy is worth every tear you shed now. bottom line Mel, you deserve better, period. I am smart, loving, caring to a fault; I deserve to be treated with nothing but love and respect. You, Mel, deserve to be treated with nothing less than the same.
And about that bath - after the ex left I redid mine - moved electric lines, moved plumbing, painted walls, textured ceiling - I did it; I didn't pay someone to do it for me, I did the work myself and sitting in that clawfoot tub full of hot water and surrounded by bubbles, listening to some comedian on Netflix with my laptop, I revel in how it feels to be FREE to enjoy such moments.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The replies that you got Melly are all so true. Four years ago, I had to get out of my AH's way. He reached out for recovery. I believe he finally accepted that it was that or death. I was literally loving him to death and I finally figured it out. After some tough times, we are back together, he is still in recovery. A few slips, but still recovering. It was a reinforcement to me that God helps those who help themselves. You will know when the time is right, for all of you... Hang in there Melly. I see such growth in you.
I am not sure if this is true for you or not, but it has been true for me, and I still find at times old ways of being still crop up into some of my relationships. When I know it is in my best interest to let go of a relationship and I don't, there is a pay off for me. When I take the other person completely out of the equation and look at me, the relationship is serving ME in some way. I run through my possible payoffs which can include: I get to feel superior, I get to feel irresponsible for my well being (a victim), etc. You have love and validation from all of your recovery partners, who will continue holding you and providing the scaffolding you need until, throughout and whenever you decide to leave the safety of what you know for what you don't know. You will survive and thrive, no doubt. We can see within you what you may not be able to see, yet, for yourself. Use our eyes.
I am not sure if this is true for you or not, but it has been true for me, and I still find at times old ways of being still crop up into some of my relationships. When I know it is in my best interest to let go of a relationship and I don't, there is a pay off for me. When I take the other person completely out of the equation and look at me, the relationship is serving ME in some way. I run through my possible payoffs which can include: I get to feel superior, I get to feel irresponsible for my well being (a victim), etc. You have love and validation from all of your recovery partners, who will continue holding you and providing the scaffolding you need until, throughout and whenever you decide to leave the safety of what you know for what you don't know. You will survive and thrive, no doubt. We can see within you what you may not be able to see, yet, for yourself. Use our eyes.
I agree with Paula....if i am in a bad relationship, I do a step 4, on what are MY payoffs staying?? coda need to fix them??? fear of making it on my own???? fear of having to start over even tho i am wading in toxicity???? AND make a list of all the things about him you "adore"....what had he done to deserve your "adoring" him???? is this "adoring" a coda need within you???? Every post i see from you focuses more on him then you (sad) b/c i think by now it is time for you to focus on you..what u r doing for you...what can you do to free you of this toxic toxic relationship....working the steps helped me find me, find the coda things about me that kept me stuck in bad situations.....you are not his creator or the master of his ship....he is....the more you focus on him, the less time you spend on you and your daughter.....when will the time be to assert your absolute need to care for you and let this milestone around your neck go????
I wasn't going to reply to this b/c I have said all i can say, i planted my seeds of ESH on this long ago and figured, you will either respond or not, I can't do anymore, but saw Paula's post here and also pink chip and Beatrice and thought "i sure hope she can see all the help and wisdom she gets here and USE it.."
so far i keep reading posts with way too much focus on him and his toxic way of life and not enough focus on you....alanon is to help YOU ..it is a program for YOU, about YOU, to help YOU......You either want out or you don't..and if you do , you will toss aside this need to be loyal to a soul sucking vampire and take care of you....pinkchip alluded to "sociopath" and after seeing this latest, I tend to agree...socios manipulate and feel only their loss/pain, etc., and have NO empathy/compassion and feelings towards another...they manipulate, play you, just to get you back into their web of sucking you dry, emotionally.....this is your choice..your life...your happiness or doom....its all in your hands (your life choices) you can get free or stay caged with this man who will find another "host" to jump onto and suck their blood if you leave....trust me...fleas and tics are survivors....he will find another "host"....
I see you have a lot going for you....its time to use it for YOU and daughter...we never know how much time we have here on life...that means we need to live each day as tho it was our last because it could be our last....so why waste it on a life like this??? your choice...your life...we an esh you to death, but the action of taking care of you has to come from within you.....How much do you want to not just survive but thrive?? how much do you really want life??? mental and spiritual well being??? how much do you want to be free??? how much do you want to grow and prosper in all ways????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wow, look at me, hooked right back in and worrying about dishes, my dirty car, driving agreements, beer purchasing....
Today I got angry about the mess, I was cleaning like a mad woman because daughter was having a friend over tonight and he missed work because he was up all night playing computer games and then spent the day playing more games and lying around in his underwear. The response? His new standard. "I don't know how you think you will manage to live with another house-mate. Are you going to hassle them like this? I don't think anyone else could put up with you".
After a lot of seething, it dawned on me. I've been completely distracted from myself by the same old nonsense. Somehow his horrendous actions and my resolutions don't matter anymore because I've let all of my buttons get pushed and now I am feeling angry and miserable because I've been called a nag? As well as cold, uncaring etc... how on earth did I let myself get hooked back in? None of this is relevant. It's a bit of a shock to realise how easily I can go from being confident, happy and ready to take on the world to sad, angry, frustrated and obsessed by the behaviour of someone else. Ridiculous.
He says I am cold because I haven't slept with him for more than 2 months. I'm so glad of that; even if I haven't managed to remove myself from his company I'm glad of the physical distance because I feel a lot better knowing that I have at least managed to draw some kind of boundary around myself. I don't want to share myself with someone who treats me like garbage. Plus he is sticking to the no-hard-liquor rule and I suspect if I sleep with him that will be the signal he needs to go back to doing whatever he wants and to hell with the consequences. But that won't work forever.
Sociopath? Maybe. I've given a lot of thought to the idea over the years. In many ways, although it's not good to waste time trying to analyse and diagnose him, it sits well with me to think of him that way because then there's no point feeling angry or frustrated that he doesn't show any comprehension of why anything he does is unacceptable. It's like being angry at a mosquito for feeding from me. But there is a person in there; I've seen it. He cries at sad movies, cuddles and loves the cat constantly and when I used to mow lawns and garden with him he was always doing a bit extra for his old-lady customers and not charging them for it or telling them because he seemed to actually like and care about the old dears. But he's not kind to me, and he never has been. In fact, it's pretty weird and sad that in order to prove that my partner has emotions, I have to think really hard and look at how he has related to others in the past because there's absolutely no evidence when it comes to how he relates or has ever related to me. Scary, really.
Yes I suppose I am talking and focusing on him too much. I don't always though, that's not true. I was feeling pretty good for a long time and keeping between me and HP, but I keep getting hooked back in and I'm starting to see that it's just so horribly natural for me to jump right back into that old role of angry imprisoned enabler. So I'm not so concerned with the fact that I am back to obsessing about him and the terrible unfairness of it all as I am with retracing my steps and working out HOW I steered myself off course and back into an angry sad place where someone else gets to ruin my day over and over again. Somehow we went from me telling him he has to leave to him begging for a chance to prove himself to me seething and crying because he's smugly gone back to being a complete jerk without making a single effort to change anything. Somewhere along the way I fell of my wagon; where? What changed?
Paula, I spent a bit of time today thinking about what the pay-offs are and came up with some interesting realisations. Thank-you for that, it was food for thought and really helpful.
Anyway, yes I am in a crappy place just now. But that's all right, I never expected to just become a different person overnight or suddenly be an expert at detaching and making the right decisions. I am awake and aware of myself and also that I have backed myself into a corner again. It doesn't feel impossible like it did before, just annoying and frustrating.
(((everyone))) and thank-you all for being so awesome.
It takes us a long time to get into the mess so i suppose it will take some time to get out. My recovery has worked like yours too with amazing awareness and good acceptance but its the action part that's difficult. Getting sucked back in is part of this journey of recovery that were on. I think if we took action while the thinking is not quite there yet would lead to 'what ifs' and regret and we would probably go back for more. Its like working to sever every last codependent thought and there can be a lot of them.
Action cant just happen in my experience. I mean, when your thinking has been distorted for so long it can be difficult to deal with every negative thought process that keeps us locked in. The guilt, the addiction are as powerful for us as alcohol is to the alcoholic, slips happen. I see my recovery in a similar way I see learning anything new, it follows the same pattern, there's that period when we don't know whats going on, then we gradually get it, we try to put it into practice but our understanding has not fully developed yet so our attempts are messy, we go back to feeling confused again and then try again and we get better with time and commitment. I agree with your title, you are nearly there. Think back to where you were a few short months ago, complete denial, in that time you have left him, stopped drinking with him, stopped sex, looked into new accommodation, accepted that this must end. Thats progress to me. Just keep on keeping on.x
Hugs Melly, Your post hit me so much because I was just talking about this with someone else .. why would I choose to settle for a few crumbs of kindness when I deserve a banquet? My stbax helped me move .. I know a whole other post. I hope to have internet soon. He was decent and because I have the emotional distance and detachment it wasn't too awful in terms of dealing with a weird situation. I thought about how that one act would have been enough to sway me that he's a nice guy and maybe I didn't really see what I saw and I was making up how awful it was in my head. Thanks to alanon and mip I listen really hard with my eyes. The reality was yes, .. it was that awful .. I really had to believe I was worth more than just crumbs and I really had to believe I was worth it. Now I'm working on accepting the part I played .. now abuse is never ok emotional, mental, physical or sexual .. I did condone the behavior by allowing it to continue. I'm an adult not a child I know better so I can do better. I have a right to say this isn't ok and I choose to change me. There were some interesting dynamics that played out .. he has tried to hook me and I'm not interested .. I sui expect an appearance by MCP, Mr Crazy Pants. Hugs s ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
