The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I sent a fruit arrangement to the nursing home staff in care taking my parents as a small thank you. Just a small token of my gratitude.
It seems more than a coincidence that shortly afterwards my sister indirectly accused me of throwing her photo across my parent's room and breaking the frame. I'm afraid she's trying to have me banned from seeing my parents. I will wait and see what happens when I go to visit next week.
I am struggling to not be embarrassed by her drama, and I know she's just warming up. Last month, her husband physically attacked me at the nursing home, now this. I'd like to even suggest that it is because she knows she was wrong to take 100% of the estate and now is making me pay for her guilt by using me as a scapegoat; however, despite what feels like extensive exposure- I am certainly no authority regarding crazy.
Last time I visited my parents, the social worker and mental health counselor made a point of coming over to me to introduce themselves. All well and good, but not without an agenda. The former, turns to my Mom, gets in her face and emphatically says, "Mrs. Mom, you never told me how gorgeous Bud is!" I'm sitting right next to my Mom (who is not hard of hearing) and Dad, present but apparently unaccounted for, and feeling irritated with this woman's demeanor and intention...had the aftertaste of gossip. I don't know what this means, but it just felt cold and unnecessary. Fortunately, the social worker quickly left after she got whatever it was that she wanted.
Embarrassment isn't part of the program, neither is volunteering for being a scapegoat, or being talked about in front of me but not acknowledged... my sister's disease will grow if she continues to receive attention for her lies and manipulations and at my expense. Growing up having to deal with her became too great a challenge and I left home at a young age to provide for myself (difficult beyond words, but a much better choice than staying at home!). I know that with HP, MIP, and Alanon I have a good toolkit for coping... and, I'm not going to put the toolkit down, as I anticipate many, many opportunities for practice!
I will apologize for my awkward sense of humor- but was thinking my Alanon toolkit should have a T-shirt to wear as a uniform for visiting my parents, with "MIP" on the front and "Please don't hate me for being beautiful!" on the back.
Welcoming any ES&H that you may have. Thank you for being here and thank you for listening.
I am so sorry that you have encountered another unsettling experience at the nursing home. Keep your Al-Anon tools handy, examine your motives, keep the focus on yourself and know that the staff at the nursing home are professional and very accustomed to families and their dysfunctions.
Speak your truth AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you become uncomfortable while visitng leave immediately.
Bud: I went through a similar experience with some of my sibs when my Dad had his stroke and following it. One of the things my sibs didn't do was to spend time with the gals who took the best care of my Dad. I did though. In doing that, staff got to know me and they got to know my love and care and devotion for my Dad. They became my allies without aligning themselves against my other sibs. Dad's last years in AL and then following his hospitalization in January and his being put into a SNF were made easier for me by the staff members who came to know me and feel affection for me as they did my Dad. If it hadn't been for one of the nurses who didn't have to give me information because I wasn't POA, I would never have known my Dad only had hours to live. Getting close with some of the nursing staff and showing appreciation for the care they are showing your parents is a very kind and also good thing to do on your part. It won't change your sister - she is who she is for now. It can make a big positive difference for you though. I never talked against my sibs, but staff was smart enough to pick up on how miserably my POA brother treated me. They never spoke to me about it, but they still made sure I knew what I needed to know when I needed to know it. After my father's death, my sibs did change some in relationship to me and I do think some of that had to do with Al-Anon tools and the benefit of a wise sponsor and the support of this fellowship. So, even though your sister is behaving poorly and has - there is always hope.
Sending you lots of encouragement, hugs and support. Like your T-shirt design, too!
" my sister's disease will grow if she continues to receive attention for her lies and manipulations and at my expense." I have met many people in my own life that have attacked me on a personal level, family and so called friends, it is soooooooooo hard not to take it personally sometimes, and have to deal with on a regular basis, but your so right when you say it is about them and their receiving the attention, it takes a very brave strong person to NOT react, and I only know that when it is happening to me I don't understand why I was targeted, it's very obvious that the things these people are hell bent on blaming us for are the things that they are falling short of themselves, it has been my experience to try and not be provoked and then it's amazing how many other people pick up the thread and say and see what we feel, I feel sorry too that some people have to be so mean towards us, you don't get the best out of a person when your cruel towards them, having said that though you still have to deal with it and it's not pleasant, your sense of humour rocks, Bud xxxxxx
regards
katy
x
-- Edited by Katy on Friday 4th of April 2014 10:20:12 PM
Hi bud, I would fight this b@@@@@. She sounds nuts and a violent bully. I would buy one of these nanny cams for you parents room then I would ask the courts for a restraining order the minute she shows her true colours, send her back to wherever she came from. Dont let them away with a single thing. Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire. Ive decided since alanon that I will do whatever I need not to be anyones victim. Ive played that role and I dont like it.
Thank you all for such warm and supportive responses! I'm feeling validated and encouraged. I'm glad my humor is not off- I feel like I've been living under a rock and now have the difficult challenge of matriculating into society.
I appreciate the reminder to keep checking my motives and keep taking good care of myself (however this manifests).
Thank you Grateful for sharing your experience, as it may be very helpful for me. I think when I sent the fruit, sis felt threatened. But this is her problem and not mine. I will continue to develop a relationship with the staff. They are truly hard working and short staffed and are doing the best they can.
Katy- thanks, and it's irksome but true that many people blame others for their own short-comings. *sigh* guess I can't change that but I'm grateful if it's general knowledge
El-cee- I truly appreciate your sentiments and spent many a day trying to protect myself similarly- I am a tiger underneath- and my FOO has seen my long, sharp claws and not backing down, but it doesn't stop them for wanting an excuse to rationalize their bad behavior. Maybe they're poking me just to see my sleek muscles in action, but my kill would be toxic waste and I'm not that hungry. I left home as a teen to escape the horror of abuse and mind-benders of my sister's disease and mom's mental illness (but still returned home to help my parents shovel snow, mow the lawn, etc). I may need to go this route, but right now, I'm feeling depleted and worn out... here I am starting life completely over (will probably place in another post) and I need every ounce of energy I can muster for myself.
