Very concerned...don't know what to do - Al-Anon Family Group

SB · Newbie

Very concerned...don't know what to do

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

SB, so glad your meeting went well, an hour is well worth it. I feel for you in regards to your son, how old is he? It may be time for him to stand on his own two feet, especially if he wont get help and hes using alcohol into the bargain. You could spend your whole life watching out for him, organising things for him, saving him from harm when in my experience all this type of 'helping' does is send him the message that he is a victim and incapable and that no matter what he doesnt have to take responsibility for his own behaviour or illness because you will pick up the pieces. Its not good for you either because your health will suffer and this type of 'helping' is addictive. I got an ego boost when I behaved like this, I played God and believed that as his Mother, only me, super me could help him. I was wrong and it took Alanon to make me see that. It can be hard to see our part in this whole viscous cycle but when we make tiny changes in our actions the results can be huge for both Mother and Son. x

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SB

and welcome to the site.

You say that you travelled an hour to a meeting which you attended 30 years ago.

Have you been actively engaged in meeting since then. I am confused, did you attend al anon and then stop going??

I sat in a convention once and heard a member share her pain. She had left al anon when her sober abf died and was returning because her son in law was active, she was in a lot of pain. However I saw her a few months later and she was smiling a returning to al anon reminded her of the tools available to her.

I am sure you remember the serenity prayer

Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I can not change.

COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.

keep coming back it works if you work it.

hugs tracy xxxx

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for you and your son SB

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That is so hard. I know we advocate not intervening with addicts, but of course when their life is in imminent danger, not just theoretical danger, we don't stand by and let it happen. So hard when you can't change the course of things longterm just by wanting -- which we all want so hard. I'm glad you found a great meeting again, and I hope you have some other sources of support too. A wise counselor/therapist who knows the options for your son and what it's possible for you to do and not do. It's never easy and even less so when cutting and active harm might be involved. It's chaos for sure. Take very good care of yourself!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha SB...its all a "cry out for help" and when they do not respond to the offers to provide the help then that is Higher Powers realm. The whole change comes when we "admit we are powerless and our life has become unmanageable", and then follow that step up with steps 2 and 3. If he is thinking and feeling that maybe there is some way he can have a better outcome while continuing to do what it is he is doing right at the present then the disease will continue on getting progressively worse until sobriety or ???. The first step "We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable" is the same exact step for the addict to the chemicals and addicted to the chemical user regardless of the chemical. Things change when you change...when you stop playing your part he will have to do something different to fill the hole or the gap. God is in the process and I learned to trust that explicitly when coming up thru this program. The meetings are the very best you can do and all they present and suggest. Al-Anon is over 60 years of age and in every major country on this planet. It has been responsible for saving a lot of minds, bodies, spirit and emotions (including mine). Our first three steps are summarized with "I can"t, God can, I'll let Him". The entire twelve steps are summarized with, "Trust God...Clean house...Help others". Much more coming you gotta keep coming back to get it. (((((hugs))))) in support. smile

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SB

It can make a difference when a parent is in 12 step fellowship (definitely for you especially)

that having been said, as an addict and alkie I will tell you no one can get me drunk and no one can get me sober.

the drinking, drugs and cutting are all a way to externalize our pain. We put our pain on other things and people.

the docs and psychiatrist are the front lines for many but I will pray for him tonight, that he finds his way to 12-step fellowship or some way to recover a relationship with God.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My meetings, MIP and my sponsor have gotten me through some tough times. Sending you much love and support!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

SB - Your son is dually diagnosed - meaning that he has a serious mental illness and he's an addict. Alanon will help you for sure but possibly look into support and guidance from alliance on mental illness. I see you are from Canada - Check out this site: camimh.ca/mental-illness-awareness-week-english/about-mental-illness/need-help/

It sounds like the Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness is pretty strong and has awesome resources too. Detachment is even more challenging when your qualifier has a mental illness and obviously when it's your child.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 5th of April 2014 07:14:30 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.