The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I really thought that I was going to have to move out. I got myself a place, even paid extra (go me) for a DVR. the funny thing is that I didn't move in.
I think that many times the PROCESS of doing things for myself and making BIG decisions and STICKING to them (to a degree) is more healing than actually following through. I had a lot of frustration within myself because I was not actually moving out. But I live a 5 minutes from my business, have my house totally setup and super comfortable. my husband is staying in a separate bedroom and LOL is hardly ever home. Yet I was still mad at myself almost feeling like a failure for not moving . I am beginning to realize that my comfort and happiness is what is important. There was some part of me that was moving out to "punish" him or to "prove my point". It also had a whole lot to do with proving to MYSELF that I could and would do whatever it takes to take care of me. Even if it means spending all that extra money on MYSELF (go me).
2. The Anger, bitterness, resentment is there. I thought I was able to get rid of it, but I am wrong. I am often mad at myself for not being able to release it. I realize that the anger towards my husband is affecting my behavior towards him (I am not kind to him..and will explain this further later).....and it is affecting my opinion of myself as well. All that anger inside is stressing me out. ick. Most of all I am mad at myself for still holding on to the resent towards him! Crazy.
3. REVENGE..This anger that I have towards him is making me behave in the wrong ways. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Well I don't say things mean, but I sure do tell the real truth a lot. I had not really realized how crushing my truth is for my husband. I have been rubbing in my misery and It is not creating a good environment for my Alcoholic. (I forgot to be responsible for the energy that I am bringing into my space). I am comfortable owning my misery and resentment in this stage of my recovery (I had never admitted it to myself in the past). But my constantly blaming and basically getting REVENGE is awful of me. I just now realized how much I have been try to take out revenge on him for his bad behavior. Hmm. Go figure. not good for me, not good for him.
4.ROOMATES I think I have worn him down enough that he voluntarily goes to his own (the guest room) to sleep, and for the most part voluntarily stays away from me when he is drinking(when I am in the main part of the house). Normally he would be determined to stay downstairs and I would relegate myself to the upstairs (resentment). I am starting to feel a little bit more like I can be myself and stick up for myself. We have talked about being roommates. He actually asked me if we could not divorce, but be roommates and then friends again, and then (hopefully) lovers, and then have our marriage back. I could not have articulated it better myself.
5. DETACHMENT. I now feel like we are on the same page..roommates. I can let go of some of the "you shouldn't treat your wife like this" I feel like detachment is coming much easier for me. I have found it much easier to not take out my revenge on him. To see him as his own person, suffering from his own disease. Even though there is apart of me who seriously blames him for MY disease, I haven't taken it out on him, well at least not this morning haha. I hope not ever, but expectations breed resentments - even toward myself.
6.HIS RECOVERY. I feel like my letting him deal with himself is benefitting us BOTH. No commenting. No mentally rolling my eyes when he says that is GOING to quit (he admits and owns the fact that he Will end up dead from this). I let him speak is thought and feelings, and do my best to just be a friend..to just listen. (obviously this is in a more sober state of mind, I avoid him when he has a lot to drink). I underestimated my importance in his life, and my own wisdom.
7. Still taking it one day at a time. For now, I like this feeling of offering him a friendship. As long as I am in a good, safe, respected, place, I am grateful to be able to offer that to him. It is a unique opportunity for us, something I don't think we have ever really done before. I believe 100% that we are soulmates, we just haven't developed other parts of our relationship. Whatever happens I feel like God is teaching me and nurturing my soul whether it is for this marriage or for work I have to do in the future.
(((sadsusie )))
WOW!! great awareness.
Examining our motives is a powerful recovery toola and very helpful when making decisions . i am happy you took a deep breath, stepped back and did just that.
One Day at a Time, keeping the focus on ourselves truly works
Thanks for sharing your process.
wow this spoke volumes to me as i pretty much did samething. . quite similar. had the apt lined up, the custody list and furniture lists, told my family ( which now is very hard to take back). and im still home too. and ALL of the stuff you listed. . ME TOO. i have been embarased to face myvtherapst sibce all of this as she saw me at the crisis when i was DONE and encouraged me to make a plan and stick to it. i made a plan. . but like you. . home is home. my child is in my cystody 100%of the time. . ive been there 15yrs. i too though have all of the range of issues you mentionef. im at work otherwise i woukd write more. thank you for validating me as you validated yourself.(())
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
This is how the old timers at my meeting must do it. Ive often wondered how they manage to stay with their AH's and you have just explained how its done. It sounds like a bit of a spiritual awakening. Im really happy for you.x
Some sounds very positive. Some sounds like rationalizing just not being ready or wanting to leave. It's okay to not be ready. Don't fool yourself that your active alcoholic addict husband is a good roommate, friend, or you that you're staying out of "his recovery" when he has no recovery. Some amount of enabling is likely to continue because you will keep the house clean, fridge stocked, and bills paid without him having to do half. He wont do what you would expect of any other "roommate." Plus if the romance is gone, you are denying yourself space to grieve and be single and move on. In sum, my experience is that my drunk ex didn't make a good friend, was a terrible roommate for multiple reasons, and he was better off without me. I overestimated my importance to him. He found another very sick person to be with right after me. I rescued myself from that hellish life, went through some scary changes of being single, then became capable of mature love and a good romantic relationship. I felt I deserved that more than having a sick roommate that would annoy me, emotionally abuse me and constantly trample my boundaries or stop me from forming them. I had so much work to do on me. I had to bail. That's just my experience. Yours may be different.
Sometimes I feel like I am crazy, because I feel BOTH things. And you are right, Perhaps this is me not being ready....I wonder if it is more like me being lazy. Yesterday I decided I WAS going to file for divorce ( was actually waiting on a return call from my lawyer). You are exactly right. I HAVE spent the better, no ALL of my adult life in this twisted relationship, and I DESERVE to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. I did mean it when I wrote, one day at a time lol. I do know that my AH is a master manipulator. I have also had that thought about being his "enabler"....I don't really think me being gone will make a big difference for him. The house would either stay dirty or he would hire a maid. I have begun trying to eat vegan (when I don't eat peanut M&Ms and ice-cream cause I am stressed, lol) so there is very very little that I buy that he eats. so he does that on his own already. He pretty much keeps up with the bills as well. And I don't really care...he is going to do what he is going to do. I cleaned the bedroom and closet for ME today. I also prefer that I keep our beautiful house clean and in good order so that if and when the time comes to sell it, our brand new WHITE furniture and new rugs won't have stains on them from him or whomever he ends up having over because i am gone. He already got tomato everywhere from trying to juggle! lol my biggest goal now, is to NOT be resentful. When I do, I have my own place. I plan on keeping it.
I do not think this will be a long term arrangement if he does not get into a recovery program. Perhaps I am not ready to give up on us. But I am certain that I won't wait forever. I KNOW that his promises are empty. I KNOW that he will do what he wants to do. I also believe that if he DOES quit WHILE I am still living here, it is genuine. As opposed to me leaving and him convincing me that he is better etc etc. with the only goal in his mind being to get me back home.
I am trying to sort through all my emotions, many of them conflicting opposites. Why am I feeling this way or that way? Then I am trying to balance that all with logic and reality. I can definitely say that I am having a multitude of spiritual awakenings. The twisted pain and anxiety get released and I feel like I know myself on a much deeper level. For now, I am just happy I survived and grew. I am sure I will have another challenge next week, perhaps each week thereafter.
I can relate and when and if you ever are ready to leave you will know. I had to learn not to say things about leaving anymore to anyone, because I had so many false starts. There is a learning lesson in this for you, I am sure as all things for me come with one. It is hard for people not to judge who do not have al-anon and understand the battles that can come with it. Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hey pinkchip, after reading your post I thought you might be a fly on the wall in my house! I hope to come out of my situation with the same ESH and personal peace you have. Thank you for your share.
Great insight Pinkchip, I understand this type of thinking, I can think this way about my son and it is denial of his unacceptable behaviour. Its like minimising your own needs and wants in order to avoid doing what needs t be done. I had and sometimes still do, this idea that if I was really truly super dooper working my programme then I should be able to live with my son, I just need to set boundaries and stick to them religiously and all the rest. Storytelling in my own head can level it all out too and it is pretend. For me, its a sign that Im not ready to make the changes.
In the end, I put my son out of my house because hes too much for me to handle, he skips over the boundaries as quick as a fox and he can outwit me at every turn, then before I know it Im back living in chaos, mind, body, soul in a mess all over again. I risk my home, peace, sanity for what? so he can remain in my house and I can play at happy families? This stunts growth for both of us, we both sink in this scenario. I have lived with more than most would when it comes to my son, it needs to end. I have a right to a life, a life of my choosing, not one imposed on me. Im always the loser, step one I am powerless over alcoholism, and I truly believe that.
I re-read your post Susie and I felt quite sad because its like you have signed up for a life that you are not happy with under the idea of 'soulmate', it suggest forever and whatever. I hope things do work out the way you plan.x
