The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know you're drinking again. I accept that I have no control over that, and you make your own choices. I just want to remind you about that one night, what my boundaries are, and what is at stake. I truly hope you do not fall back into old habits. Just because I've forgiven you does not mean I have forgotten. I will not condemn myself to a life with a shade of my husband.
I really, really want to say this to him, or leave it for him in a note. The fact that I'm nervous and afraid to do it speaks volumes. Part of me says to just let it lie, that this is me trying to control things via manipulation. Another part of me says I've been quiet long enough and I'm sick of not being heard.
When I have felt nervous about saying or not saying something, it helped me to ask if I had a certain expectation of the outcome? Do you have a certain expected response from your A? And along those lines, have you already made a decision about what you will do if the boundary gets crossed?
Tough questions, I know! I also agree that something may be trying to make itself known if you feel some angst about this. Maybe focus on a reading on 'Let Go Let God'?
Thank you for sharing with us!! I am so sorry you are in this turmoil....But we have all been there a time or million (THERE IS ALOT OF HOPE)
For me, I had some pretty serious boundaries, when I hit my bottom, I knew I had to stop what I was doing & allowing in order for him to stop what he was doing...
I said NO alcohol could ever be brought into our home again & If he had been drinking, he was not allowed to come home. I was all done living the way I had!!
And I learned that there was NOTHING THAT I COULD DO OR SAY THAT WAS GOING TO MAKE HIM DRINK, IF HE CHOSE TO DRINK, ITS BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO STAY
You can share it or not share it. I do know that Al-Anon has helped me learn that the A doesn't listen to what we say but they sure pay attention to what we do. Sharing our boundaries aloud with the A might result in us feeling a little stronger or better for awhile, but ultimately our warnings or cautions aren't going to make a difference if the A wants to drink in my experience.
When I couldn't get any new results from what I have done over and over I didn't say no more. My son had heard it all so the only think left to do was set my boundaries and let go.
My actions and not words got my boundaries respected...
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's not manipulation if you stated the boundaries and consequences up front. However, it is enabling if you write a note just reminding him that he crossed the boundary, but you aren't prepared to give the consequences. either consciously or subconsciously he's going to know that he doesn't have to respect the boundary that you set.
If you aren't going to enforce the boundary(I know, it's really hard, as Cindy said we've all been there a few times), then I wouldn't write the note either. But either way, the boundary is being crossed, and he likely knows it. This speaks more than any words you could ever say or put in a note.
Sorry for the opinionating. take what you like and leave the rest.
I have read a book called "Boundaries". It is from a Christian perspective, so may turn some people off, but I found it extremely helpful even in a secular standpoint to show that, if correctly executed, boundaries are not manipulation, they are actually intentional and loving means of showing our partner where our limits are. And we all have them.
Peace Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 31st of March 2014 10:48:09 PM
Think about your motives. If you need to say this for your own benefit, you know speaking your mind, venting, just releasing your feelings then why not. You cant cause it or control it anyway so what are you scared of? If this is your truth any you want to express it then go for it. If you think it will change him and make him understand then your kidding yourself, we have all searched for the magic words, they don't exist. In my experience, alcoholics are very good at taking your words and throwing them back at you and using them for their own gains, revealing your vulnerability to an A is like showing a red rag to a bull. If you do say this just have the consequences in mind and let them go.x
two things come to mind... both given to me by my sponsor early on in this process...
"If you doubt, you don't"... when you are ready to do the work and leave the results in God's hands, accept them without reservation and respond accordingly, only then do you "do".
and...
a big one... "when you have to remind someone of a boundary that has been established.. its' already been breached or violated, you are merely moving the line in the sand... do it enough and the other person will be standing where the first boundary was placed and the only thing changed is where you are standing. Stop backing away from your own lines in the sand".
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Do what is best for YOU. He probably doesn't need a reminder of how you feel about this. I wasted my time and breath talking about boundaries and consequences with my ABF. It just made him sneak drink (as if I could not tell) and lie more. This is the guilt and shame part of the alcoholism recipe. Add a little denial for extra self protection.
I found that for me, keeping my mouth shut was easier than being lied to my face. Work out a plan that is designed to improve YOUR situation.
Have you tried writing in a journal? It is like free therapy. Gets all your feelings out of your head and down on paper.
(THERE IS ALOT OF HOPE)