The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
So, I called my dad tonight to hang out. He was sober which he has been for awhile. He said sure but he has to leave around 9 to go visit 'some friends'. It immediately struck me as odd because anytime he's gone out he's always mentioned who it was with. So I asked him 'Where do you need to be?
He was honest 'I'm just going to go visit (owner) at (local pub). I'm just going to go watch the band and we shoot the stuff. I'm not drinking that's for sure. It's just frustrating sitting here by myself so I just go see (owner) down the street.'
I said 'Ok cool, I'll see you later...enjoy'
Now, alcoholics don't go to bars to 'watch the band and hang' so he will be falling off the wagon. However 2 things struck me as odd. This is the same owner that banned him from his establishment last spring and said he wasn't welcome if he was drinking so I wonder what this really is. And, my dad was completely honest about where he was going. He could have easily lied and said 'a meeting' or 'hanging out with my sponsor' but he said, in sobriety, I'm going to (place).
Now that doesn't make it OK but it's definitely a different tone. Now, I don't know how he rekindled this friendship with (owner) but knowing my dad he's a very pathetic man with low self-esteem. My bet is he called him up and essentially went crawling back. (owner) really surprised me last year when he booted him out and I doubt he phoned my dad to see what's up.
Now, I am still considering moving in with him while I house-hunt but have not made that decision yet.
I just texted him to let him know I won't be coming tonight. His response was simply 'ok'...meaning he knows the reason why. I'm not going to sit there as he watches the clock so he can get shit-faced...
It just really feels like the cycle keeps repeating.
I am at home, safe, and at peace....I might go buy a book...I don't know which one...
As you well know what your dad does is non of your business and to speculate what might happen doesn't help you. I know how you feel but you know there is nothing you can do about it. So let go of it and look forward to maybe seeing him again soon....sober.
You know what your going to have to accept if you move in with him so take time to make your decision and will accept him for who he is.
Take care and live life for you.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
That's a good thing because you're your own man and with this little help that we all need will give you so much in the long run. To own your own condo will give you so much happiness and accomplishment. Your goals in life and when accomplished will be so good for your heart and mind.
We are told me can do anything if we put our mind to it. You have a great start so I will stick around to watch it happen. It will bring me happiness to know a young man that will make it no matter what has happened in his life. It will give me the courage and hope that my son too can do it someday.
You have made me smile for you....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank You Cathy. That was nice. I needed to hear that.
Why does this have to be so hard y'know?
Why does a decision like living with my dad have to be so difficult? I can envision it now. He says he will leave me alone but then it'll be
-I need a ride
-Pick me up cigarettes
-Take me for groceries
-Drive me to work.
These sound like reasonable requests in a message board post, but I AM NOT THE FLIPPING PARENT! He is my dad and not the other way around.
It's funny Cathy because sometimes I think about people in your situation. To have a child that is an addict must be the most difficult of the al-anon relationships. Having an alcoholic parent, kids eventually move on from their parents and parents pass away (It's unfortunate I think this way). Their is reprieve and end in sight. For someone in an alcoholic marriage, they can leave. It's easier said than done, but there is an option. But, your child is yours forever.... I commend you for dealing with this the way you have been.
One thing I need to remember is that I have my meetings. I have places I can go. I have options. I don't have to save him. Also, I can express my emotions. I just don't want this to affect my life in other areas. I don't want to get angry at people at work, angry at people at meetings, angry at people in other areas.
Remember that relationships with non-alcoholic parents can be quite tense too. I know a number of adults who love their parents very much but say they could never live with them. Or that three or four days with them is as much as they can take without one or the other party going crazy. In fact in some ways we're made that way -- teenagers are made to be rebellious and annoying because it's part of breaking away and learning to live on their own. If we all got along with our parents perfectly we'd still be living with them when we're 80 and they're 100. So it's part of the way of things to get on each other's nerves even when everybody's healthy. If there are some old dysfunctions operating, even more so. So ... no wonder you're wary and frustrated. Take good care of yourself.
Neither of my parents are or were As, but they did have 1 parent each who did have problem drinking behaviors. As much as I loved them, no way could I have lived with them for any length of time when I was in my 20s, 30s and beyond.
My daughter and I were very close until she got to be 17 or 18 yo and then each of us hit a hard patch in the road. If we had had a continually comfortable relationship, she never would have had to grow up or to claim the life she wanted for herself. Now, she is in her mid 30s and we both can respect each other as adults with our own way of looking and things and doing things. I doubt either of us would want to live with each other now either. Not because we don't like or love each other but because we have very different lifestyles, needs and wants.
Although my son is an A, even if he wasn't, I do think we'd be the same in relationship to each other as my daughter and I. We are different people, with different experiences, different viewpoints and different dreams, different lifestyles and different purposes.
I think it is good to be independent of our parents and still be in relationship to them. All parents have issues. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a parent without some pathologies of their own. There is no kid who makes it through life unscathed either. We all get hurt - with or without parents with the disease of alcoholism. That's just the way it is. We also receive some real strengths and gifts from our parents - no matter how imperfect they might be. That is also the way it is. Learning to emulate the best my parents had to give me and notice what strengths I developed because of what they couldn't give me helped me let go of wanting what I couldn't have and be grateful for what was mine.
(((SJ))) I'm sorry you have this. I moved out of my parent's house when I was young and while it was anything but easy, returning home wasn't a choice for me either. I'm now a parent and do the best that I can, but Lord knows I've made many mistakes and still am trying to get it right. Add something like alcoholism to that and it becomes even more complicated- not making excuses- my daughter could not make the choice to live with her active AD under any circumstances. I am blessed for my daughter and I'm certain she feels the same about me- she is welcome home any time for any duration. Keep taking good care of yourself and your HP will place solutions in your path.
