The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry to use a counseling term in my subject line, but it is what it is. After a meeting a couple of weeks ago, a fellow member reached out to me and asked if she could give me a call. I said, "Of course."
She called me a couple of days later. She is a divorced mom with two grown children (exAH and one son are her qualifiers). She moved a long distance to our state a few years ago for a job opportunity. She was laid off three weeks ago and doesn't have any family or close friends in the area. Her out-of-state family is not much of a support system, according to her. Her unemployment check has been delayed due to some technical issues and she has not been able to find any job prospects so far. She seems very depressed and even admitted that she is using alcohol to numb her fear and depression. She says she just started doing this. She told me that she is down to her last couple of dollars and had to let her landlord know that she can't pay the rent that's due next week. She applied for food stamps last week, but doesn't have money to pay her other bills.
I'm trying very hard to support her without "fixing her," which is my nature to want to do. I suggested to her that I could pick her up so that we could go for a walk along the beach and so I could take her to lunch. I also gave her a gas and grocery gift card at that time. And I'm planning to take her out to dinner with some of my other single friends tomorrow. I also have told her several times that I am praying for her and have encouraged her to read her CAL literature as much as possible. Right now, she is going to Al-Anon meetings every day in order to not isolate herself.
How can I best support her without overdoing and it? I offered her some job hunting advice, but she got kind of upset with me and told me that I'm doing what her exAH used to do- telling her what she should be doing. I've backed off and am really trying to just be a good listener and supporter. I think she might be depressed, understandably so, and that is affecting her not wanting to help herself move forward, and possibly why she has started drinking.
I really feel bad for her and want to support her in any way I can, and in any way she would like me to. Any suggestions?
Shared e/s/h was always a big help for me when I was going through hard financial times.
Choosing to buy alcohol rather than to put something towards her bills makes me wonder how long she might have been drinking. I've known folks in Al-anon who drink and deny that they have a problem with alcohol, too. I'm not sure I'd help financially beyond the gifts. I would recommend checking out resources in your community if she hasn't already done that? The Department of Health and Human Services in our state helps with an eviction diversion program although with no income - I'm not sure how they would perceive this? Churches can often be more lenient in helping someone with rent than organized non-profits or state run assists.
I have learned that when people can't seem to find any resource assistance at all, there is generally alcohol or substance abuse problem. When I've met folks in this kind of a situation, I've asked my HP to guide me with what to say and what to do. That always helps me know the next right step that will be supportive without being a messiah.
I recall at a meeting where one member asked for money to buy some milk. That member had made Trad 7 contributions in the past. I was chairing and so she uplifted $4.
Each group is autonymous I am not advocating this. For me it was just an act of mercy.
Being a care giver, or a care taker... sharing our ESH helps to sort this one out... imo...
Hi GE, I think it's wonderful what you've done for your fellow Al-Anoner. I would tend to agree with G2B on this one. What concerned me as well was the drinking, and also the annoyance that was expressed with your suggestions and assistance with the help for a job search. It sort of seemed like misery loves company... I also agree with David that it is your rightful choice on what and how much to assist someone in need, as long as you feel comfortable with what you're giving. From personal experience, I need to learn how to give without expectations...meaning that if someone were to ask me for a loan, I would be more comfortable with giving a gift of cash, and being mindful of releasing any expectations of what that person will do with the cash. Your share touched me because I had just been thinking of some angels that had helped me in a dire time of need, hoping I can find them online to thank them again.... One thing I could offer hoping it helps...the Salvation Army has a program to help with utility bills and can refer people to other assistance and resources:)
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Saturday 29th of March 2014 02:52:13 PM
I think it is great to help a person, but I also have a gut feeling she would "take" what she can from people. If she is buying alcohol where is she getting the money? There are programs out there to help if they really need the help. I just hope she is not manipulating you. Take care.
I have got to be wary with these situations too. I have got to know myself through Alanon and I know that I can be triggered by certain situations and people. I can be a people pleaser which is not a good thing because the danger for me is that I would go over the top to help this woman, then I would hate myself for it and build resentment towards her.
I am an enabler so again the danger for me is to do too much to help, getting her to depend on me and then I would panic and need to back off. I am also obsessive and her problems would be on my mind in an insane way, swirling around and I would neglect my own life and all this would lead to an unhealthy relationship that is not about helping or about an equality.
I have got to be careful, I know this about myself, these are the behaviors that have been present within my relationship with my ex ah and my eldest son and it does appear in a milder form in other relationships.
Detachment with love really helps me because it keeps me from diving in, knowing that everyone has their own higher power and some situations are for deep spiritual growth so if we rescue we are often stealing the chance for the person to work out their own solutions. I ask myself certain questions before helping - do I want to do this? if so why? that way I can check my motives, are they healthy or are they more about an unhealthy need in me.
I must work hard at this because the old behaviors are just below the surface. Helping can be arrogant and self satisfying for me, its about me being better or more in control so often I find myself just listening to the person and not saying much at all, that way they keep their dignity and the relationship can develop in a healthier way. I am much better at this nowadays and sometimes I can see clearly the self pity and manipulation in people and then I can go the other way and totally avoid the person. I think its about balance, the answer lies somewhere in the middle. I am very reluctant to take responsibility for someone else, I wont even have a pet because Im about freeing myself these days, my youngest is almost 17 and I am more and more about me, pleasing myself. We help newcomers but only with their attitude and awareness, do you think you have went too far?
I would use the Al-anon tools just like if she was a A. No enabling whats-so-ever just guidance and understanding. If she chooses not to take it you have to let go let God.
God helps those who help themselves without complaint and excuses.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
GE, you have to do what you feel you can live with. We have a choice on everything in our life. I'll try to share my ESH. I'm very good at people pleasing and enabling and about 2 mo ago I experienced a similar situation with a lady in the rooms. She was fairly new and asked me to go eat with her one day and I did. She shared some things and after that she started calling me almost every day and I was listening and of course doing everything I could to help her. One day when I said no to something she got really upset and quit calling but I'd still see her around. Afew wks go by and she starts calling again and then one day a situation arose that she didn't like an she went off the deep end telling me I did this and this at first an now I'm saying no.... My lesson was I enabled her at first and she came to expect it. My intentions were to give away what ppl did for me at first. But I did it to long. My thot is the same as most of the others said on here....where does she get money for alcohol if she can't pay her bills? I believe if she can get food stamps she could also get help from the state for housing or rent if her record is clear. My experience has taught me that if somebody truly wants help they will gladly take any suggestions to heed and give it a try. If they want someone to sob and cry on and get money then they'll only stay till someone says "no". My encouragement to you is...decide what you can live with,meaning what you feel comfortable with and not get a resentment and be very very careful. ((Prayers to you))
GE,
ES&H are the things that I find most valuable- anything else is icing. You have truly extended yourself above and beyond and she might come to accept those offers at another time. People have to want the help- it's not something that can be forced.
She seems depressed, frustrated, and angry and may be steeping in self-pity, not thinking in a healthy manner... and, I pray that she snaps out of it rather than sink deeper. I'm glad she's attending meetings daily.
Define what is comfortable for you and detach from the outcomes. I define enabling as doing something for someone else that they can do for themselves. When I was too ashamed to be with others, I pushed them away- not that I didn't want to accept their kindness, but I was that ashamed. As I heal, I am more ready to accept help and support and am very grateful when someone cares.
Thanks so much for all of your great ES&H! Very, very helpful - and just what I needed. I think that the best thing that I can do for her right now is to offer her my ES&H. She joined my friends and I for dinner and dancing tonight. It was great to see a smile on her face. I need to let her HP show her the way right now. I'm here to offer her support as needed and to just listen, one day at a time. I think the message that I needed to hear is that she never asked me to do anything specific for her. I just assumed what I thought she needed. But what she really wants is a friend...
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Sunday 30th of March 2014 11:53:57 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Sunday 30th of March 2014 11:54:47 PM
You've done quite a bit. You'll know when you're done. I know that sounds like such a simple answer but from personal experience... when I begin questioning my involvement, it's because it doesn't feel right. When in doubt, don't. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I suggested to her that I could pick her up so that we could go for a walk along the beach and so I could take her to lunch. I also gave her a gas and grocery gift card at that time. And I'm planning to take her out to dinner with some of my other single friends tomorrow. I also have told her several times that I am praying for her and have encouraged her to read her CAL literature as much as possible. Right now, she is going to Al-Anon meetings every day in order to not isolate herself.
Hi GE, I think it's wonderful what you've done for your fellow Al-Anoner. I would tend to agree with G2B on this one. What concerned me as well was the drinking, and also the annoyance that was expressed with your suggestions and assistance with the help for a job search. It sort of seemed like misery loves company... I also agree with David that it is your rightful choice on what and how much to assist someone in need, as long as you feel comfortable with what you're giving. From personal experience, I need to learn how to give without expectations...meaning that if someone were to ask me for a loan, I would be more comfortable with giving a gift of cash, and being mindful of releasing any expectations of what that person will do with the cash. Your share touched me because I had just been thinking of some angels that had helped me in a dire time of need, hoping I can find them online to thank them again.... One thing I could offer hoping it helps...the Salvation Army has a program to help with utility bills and can refer people to other assistance and resources:)