The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need more. I deserve a good life, a partner whole loves me. I am sick and tired of being like this. I hope he has a good life. I need to start living mine again. I don't ever want to hear that snarling voice again. I want to get married and be happy. And every day I spend in this dysfunctional chaos is one more day gone.
As they say in Al-Alanon: Awareness, acceptance and action. Sounds to me like you're moving towards action. Sending lots of ESH as you move through your recovery!
I'm at the same point you are, MM830. I have these wonderful slogans ringing around my head that people here so often say, such as "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" - which means to me that he is unwilling to even acknowledge he has a problem much less try to do something about it, and "Life is short - find healthy people to play with". There are a host of others too but these two are forefront in my mind today.
Wishing you peace with your decisions. I had to get the point where I love myself at least as much as the other (sick) person, to be able to understand that the ONLY choice I had was to leave. Before I got to that point, I would put the other (sick) person's life above my own every time I tried to leave - very different from putting another person's temporary needs above my own.
Gosh these are tough circumstances you describe. When I have a friend who has a change in finances ( usually reduced income), our relationship has to find new footing. I would be willing to pay for going out, but they come to resent receiving. I love your idea of going for a walk. We have come to doing free or almost free things. Still enjoyable to spend time with a dear friend. Every conversation doesn't focus on their financial situation and the factors that led up to it. Some encounters are for me venting. Some are for us laughing. I let them take the lead on bringing up their situations and causes. I've learned I don't know how to soften their blow and have them maintain their dignity. Ugh I was wrong to have interfered.
Even though the person you're talking about is still drinking and the consequences of that may be what caused the change in circumstances, for me now I use what I have learned the hard way. If our relationship is based on the interaction that nurtures me without stepping on my boundaries, I will continue to find whatever it takes to stay in touch. They may have lost employment and income, but they have so much else going on. Don't let me steal their pride.
I think I've reached the point where I love myself more than I love my A. I needed to find a way to survive, and alanon is teaching me. There are many reasons why I haven't left, but I am enjoying many of the days in my present life. Take tonight. I got home from work about 5. My A was napping. Only my A never got up. And I believe she is currently a dry drunk, but over eating. I rested for about 45 min. and then got up, ate dinner, have done house chores, have connected with two family members and tomorrow I am having lunch with a dear friend without my A. I used to feel depressed and lonely but now I enjoy my time with me. I don't feel sorry for myself at all. This is where I choose to be right now and it's fine. My A is busy tomorrow and I look forward to my day for me. I can't believe I just wrote this but it's all true. Lyne
Happy for you Lyne. I have been praying all day and will continue to pray about a path forward, I have the movies with family tonight and a day planned tomorrow with a new friend from work who I really like, he will do whatever it is he does and its absolutely all good because God will figure it out. I don't have to listen to the angry snarly I hate you tone of voice yay happy dance.
A video was shared on Facebook about 84, 500$ (That number might be wrong lok my point being it's a lot)how would you spend it. The premiss is you have 84, 500 $ and every day if you don't spend it .. It's wasted money because it's not saved or rolled over to the next day it's gone. Well that's how many seconds we get every day. How are you going to spend your time going forward? That truly struck a chord with me. Do I want to spend that time focusing on the positive or drowning in the negative and what kind of people do I want in my life? My questions for myself go on from there.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
