The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm posting this in the hope that I and others might learn from my mistakes and because writing on the board here always helps me to gain some insight.
The question that I'm struggling with now is why do I give so much more weight to what my AH thinks of me than I do to the voice of other people in my life?
I made a list a few weeks ago of some of the nice things that friends and colleagues have said about me. Why did I do it? Because I was beginning to believe what AH was telling me (verbally and through some rather pointed passive aggressive behaviour). It is a lovely list and I'm very very lucky to have it. But why, after all the hurtful behaviour, do I still let my husband's negative opinions matter to me more? Distance, distance, distance. More work required.
I can't answer that question, but I do know how it feels. It seems to me that one of the 'qualifiers' for us Al-Anoners is to have a low self -esteem. I know for me my grandmother spent the first 11 years of my life 'putting me down' - she was a sick person, I can see that now but she laid a foundation of thinking that I was not a worthy person. I feel sure that has led me to listen to 'her' voice rather than the nicer voices in my life. Her voice was projected during both my relationships with an A - it was powerful and destructive.
I am a nice person, I am learning to appreciate my gifts - slowly but certainly I am learning to appreciate the real me and yes detachment was for me the key.
I struggled with putting God first, others second and me third. I'm better at that because I have learned to validate myself before I allow others to validate and/or to put me down. That has helped me put emotional distance between me and another person's opinion - most especially close family members. Now, the order I utilize is God first, me second, others third. Healthier order for me and helps me stay out of putting myself in a down one position to other people. It also helps me avoid putting myself in a one up position because the more I validate myself, the easier it is to affirm, validate or ignore others, too.
I did it because I want to be accepted by everyone in my life. I also knew I could change their minds about me. I'm a good person and there shouldn't be anyone thinking differentially...and not my partner of so many years.
I know now my partner says the things he does because of his own problems and wants me right there with him. Well....I won't go anymore. No more of his crap dropped in my lap. I have told him that and don't bother to even talk about what he might think of me because I won't buy it and I won't accept it. I'm am a good person so what you think of me is garbage. SO THERE!!
I move on and we get along much much better. Cathy is a whole lot stronger and my body and mind tells him that everyday.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sis you just hit on what "our" addiction is the compulsion to rely upon a source of pain for our peace of mind and serenity. This is our compulsion and obsession. It is metaphored in part in the description of going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread. Some of my best recovery lessons came within "reprogramming" my mind, emotions and behaviors to do something different which actually resulted in what I was needing. My alcoholic/addict could not and often would not support me in my search for peace of mind and serenity. She was capable and could not be trusted to give what it was that she couldn't.
You bet this is "the" learning curve and it has so many very positive rewards; one being freedom from fear, when you learn and practice. Thanks so much for this share. It keeps me awake and aware. (((((hugs)))))
I think this falls under the QTIP guidance, too. A friend of mine once said, "Take nothing personally. Not insult or compliment." I didn't know what he meant at the time. I do now. Our value and self-worth was determined during childhood by how we were treated by the people around us. Now that we are adults, we get to choose to appreciate, approve, love, validate and see ourselves as valuable and worthy simply because we exist. There doesn't need to be another reason.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of March 2014 08:02:58 PM
For me, I'm aiming for not giving weight to what anyone says about me. If I'm healthy it shouldn't really matter what anyone else on this planet thinks about me. Its all about me, what do I think of me, what is my self talk, this is the important voice.
My whole life has been about getting validation of who I am from other people, putting their opinion up on a pedestal but none of its the truth. If someone says something nice about me it doesn't mean Im nice, maybe I was nice in that moment but for me this can trigger the need to please that person and they then have my power. When Im complimented I just say thanks, thats it, I dont have to take their word as fact and if I treat compliments that way then Im much better prepared to take criticism in the same way. To me there is nothing that an active addict can say that I will allow penetrate my mind because the motives are never pure, its about manipulating or controlling for some short term gain and is driven by their disease so if we take anything they say personally then really we can only blame ourselves.
The facts are that Im made up of many good and bad parts and its about me knowing who I am, Im far too complex for anyone really to make an honest judgement about who I am and its my job. Im unravelling who I am and I can be harsh at times so I have enough to do within myself to allow anyone in.
Oh, now there is an eye opener! Lots to think about.
I think I'm really finding it difficult to think that other people's opinions of me don't matter to me. I can kind of get it cerebrally but I guess I feel scared of the disconnection, and does this mean that I don't trust myself to steer my course without the input of others? Again, cerebrally of course I trust myself, but in my heart? do I really? Doesn't look that way! So there's something to change and work on. Is this all part of letting go?
Thank you so much for the honest feedback - I love you guys!
