Hi Newlife,

I used to look for drama too. I looked for bottles. I looked for other signs of my AWs addictions. All it did was piss me off, and then piss her off when I would dramatically pour them out. Oh yes, I would be so dramatic. I don't usually feel dramatic, but that always did it to me.

So I stopped. it was a waste of energy. she did what she did. And I know that she did what she did, so why bother to look for evidence of things I already knew about? it would just suck my energy into something useless, instead of putting it to good use like going outside to play Frisbee with son. I got to a point last summer where we played *a lot* of Frisbee, and he had a lot of fun. *that* was constructive!

I can't blame you for the reaction. What he has done is churlish and vulgar. Not to mention plain mean, calling you Carrie Nation. It tells what kind of a space he is in. But you already knew that. To dwell further on it would just suck your energy. is there something you can do instead?

Peace
Kenny

NLG:

I wanted to respond to your post all day because it resonated so much with me.  I remember looking, searching, going through my then-husband's things and two things happened: 1) I found things that hurt me and made me feel anxious, afraid, and angry and 2) I realized I was turning into someone I didn't want to be (looking through someone else's wallet, email, phone etc).  FOr me it was actually a turning point and the blessing was it got me to start looking at myself and putting the focus there.

It helped me (and changed my life) when I started going to meetings consistently, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, working a program

you are not alone--

(NLG)

Mary

Hugs Newlife and I hope things are looking up today. What Yanks said applies for me as well. I learned here that when I look that I have to responsible for my own hurt feelings .. I'm causing my own pain. I also know when God (HP) decides it's time for me to know .. trust me I can't avoid the information .. it shows up in my mailbox at home even. LOL .. I can't tell you the whole when I need to know I will know. Sometimes that information is to much to soon and again .. I cause my own pain and frustration. In NO way am I suggesting you shouldn't feel hurt or upset .. that kind of stuff is hurtful. It sucks and it's not fun .. that's that whole what's my part in my own pain though and looking back I can say .. hmm .. I probably helped it along.

Hugs S :)

When it comes to investigating the goings on of an alcoholic, don't look for trouble if you don't want to be hurt.

Its nobody's business what people or A's do in their spare time , unless it personally is addressed to you.,

More energy should be spent on the program of Alanon, and what it can do to heal me. This program is not about the alchoholic

Keep coming back.

Hugs, Bettina

This reminds me of something that a beloved member of my local Afg says " I'm no longer concerned with things that will hurt me"
I used to go looking for stuff that either my husband was doing or my stepson was doing because I was addicted to the pain and drama.
I would fish through my husbands drawers, his computer history, and his phone. If I found something we would fight for hours. Then rinse and repeat. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. He said some very painful things about me, even told a woman that he was talking to online I was a mistake in his life. In hind site, after working my program for a while, clearing my mind and my stinking thinking, I can see whatever he does in the world is about him. What he does has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how he sees the world. For the most part I'm not taking what others say personally, just because someone says something about me does not make it the truth. It might be their truth, but it doesn't have to be mine.That's not to say he couldn't hurt my feelings, but I would know now they would be his issues with life and the way the disease has affected him and I sure wouldn't spend days anymore in misery over someone else's behavior. My peace of mind and serenity are more important. I'm no longer looking for stuff, it was a extremely hard addiction to break, but I'm worth it and my serenity is definitely worth it. I had to redouble my efforts at working my program, for me I have to be working my program from sun up to sundown. Going to meetings, making calls on the days I don't do meetings, the calls help the other members too not just yourself, I do a reading and ask them to share, cal readings when I'm feeling tense, and I work the steps with a sponsor. The single most helpful thing in the world for me was reaching out to my alanon family group and receiving their love and support. Blessings on your recovery journey;)