The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm good with my decisions not bailing my son out and I'm think I'm doing good but just after posting this morning I'm feeling anxious about it. I feel some fear for my son and some "what ifs" are coming into play. Why does this happen?
The feelings aren't bad but they are there. Now I want to cry about it. It's like I question my decisions all the time and I'm responsible for what happens to my son. What kind of thinking is that?
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I read how he responded to you and your ex-husband. "I wont get help in here wah wah boohoo." He had how much opportunity to get help on your dime? How many detoxes, rehabs, hospitals? What have you not tried? NOTHING. He absolutely needs this consequence. I think he is blessed to not be dead because he is that kind of low bottom drunk and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's okay Cathy. It's not like you failed as a mother because he has a very serious brand of alcoholism that has eroded his values and mental health. He might start making sense again the more he has sobriety forced on him.
(((Cathy))) Keep your faith and your boundaries with serenity. The "what ifs" that occupy our minds is non-productive when the problem is not ours to control.
Many years ago, I "rescued" my now exAH from jail; the intent was placing him in medical treatment as an alternative. It completely backfired as it was not my place to interfere. I had guilt until I understood my lesson. Many people suffered from my mistake and actions- but I was doing the best I could with the information that I had at the time. Today, I know that my choices would be different and that the difficulties in my making the choices would be coming from a heart grounded in the path of my HP rather than just from an emotional heart.
I do not suggest that my path is the path for you- only that you be true to yourself and your HP. Keep doing the next right thing and breathe. Your son has a HP that is trying to take your son on a better path. It's especially difficult as a Mom, but the answer is still the same that you are not responsible for your son's actions.
Cathy You are very human and a mom who loves her son. That is why you are feeling sad, uncomfortablea and as if you should be able to fix it. You think your son does not know you love him because of your actions -- That is not important- what is important is that you love him.
Alanon did not take away my feelings but gave me new tools so I could still feel my feelings and then respond to them differently. Prayers for courage, serenity and wisdom never go unanswered.
I understand your feelings, I have felt the same recently. My son sought out recovery on his own and is working a program. He is keeping me at arms length. I am finally having to let go of any power I thought I may have left over my son and giving him entirely to his HP. While healthy for both of us, the feelings I'm experiencing are unexpected and left me very anxiety ridden a couple of days ago. Reciting the serenity prayer and stating the 3 "C"s over and over again helped me get back to a place where I could feel calm and serene about my journey and let go of his journey....it is his after all.
((((hugs)))) to you Cathy, you've had quite the week. You did great!
Guilt is a destroyer! Guilt also lets you think you have control. Yes you have money to bail him out, but that is as far as your control goes. My experience is if you bail them out, you and him are back to square one. ....og
PS Jerry can advise you on the "what if's".
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
This is amazing and you all are so great. Your ESH to me personally .....I can't even think of the right words to say.....but I love you all and I am so blessed you have you in my life.
I will never be able to thank you enough but I'm going to try by this experience that I will be there to help others someday.
I am blessed....
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thats what happens to me. I think its partly the default thinking, the old negative panic thinking. Get your books out and alanon your way out of it, its the self talk that keeps us in the crap. I think its based on the old ideas of hes my wee boy, its my job to save him, its my fault hes in this mess. These ideas never ever made the right decisions because they are irrational. You are doing brilliant, let this pass and it will.x
I think that he was your responsibility until he was 18 years old....then he was his own.
I read a book called Under the Influence.....it said this....."Whenever an alcoholic's sobriety is dependent on another human being, it is a temporary sobriety because human beings get sick, lose patience, fall out of love, or move out of town. An alcoholic who places the responsibility for his sobriety on someone else is jeopardizing his life."
So maybe he was doing that-----placing you in charge of trying to keep him sober. You can't do that. It is impossible.
He will be sober in jail (unless he can figure out the art of fermentation). He will be taken care of and getting out will be his responsibility.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
