The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to "alanon it out" again....I am finding myself feeling a strong need to help a young friend out who is under DCF investigation and afraid she will loose her 4 month old daughter. Her Alcoholic/dysfunctional family is of no support to her. They have pretty much wiped their hands clean of her because of her own Adult Child behaviors and her anger towards them for not taking care of her as she was growing up. Mother left her to raise 2 younger brothers with a Dad who was physically present but mentally absent. She is now a 21 yr old single mother of this baby girl and doesn't even know where the father of the child is.
I've been in this program long enough to question my motives. I want to make sure I'm not just voluntarily jumping onto the roller coaster of dysfunction again. Yet I really hate to see this 21 year old loose her child without at least giving her a chance at changing her behavior. I am not willing to have her move in with me because I think that would definitely put a hardship on our friendship....I have known her since she was 3 and she calls me Mom. I have volunteered to take the baby for up to 2 weeks so she can get her home cleaned to DCF's expectations and find a job since she lost hers again.
I need experience, strength and hope from those who aren't going to sugar coat things for me and will help me see this situation through fresh eyes.
It seems to me if you put up explicit boundaries and expectations with her up front, and check your motives, then this could work out. It seems like you are doing evaluation now and have already set one boundary - not moving in with you. Would you be able to stick to that boundary even if it meant letting go of her, say, if something more serious happened? Would her hardships take over your life, and have you focusing too much on them rather than whatever other family or other responsibilities you have?
If she lollygags around instead of actually cleaning her home during those 2 weeks, are you prepared to give consequences?
Sorry, I guess I have mostly questions. But I guess they are questions that I would think you would want to ask yourself. no need to answer them to me, they are just the first things that I wondered about.
Her sister has repeatedly turned her in to DCF...the first time it happened I told her that if she ever got into a position where she believed DCF may take the baby, to call me. And she called last night.
Since you asked for e/s/h that isn't sugar-coated - it has been my experience in the work I do that when folks get involved in these types of situations, it doesn't turn out well for the child. Too much disruption. It is also my experience that the source of the complaints is not revealed to the parent. So, I question how your friend would know it was her sister who turned her in multiple times. Not keeping a clean house and persistent job loss tells me your friend has some issues that can be very harmful to the baby. As a Mom myself, I couldn't see myself giving my baby to anybody for two weeks while I cleaned house or looked for work since caring for my child would be my top priority. On the other hand, DCF wouldn't take a child generally just because a house is messy or the primary parent doesn't have a job. There has to be more to it than that in my experience.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 27th of March 2014 04:43:32 PM
You have a heart and you have a head and for me it sounds like you are using them both in this. For me also both are required to arrive at decisions which do not have guarantees. Enablers have "can do" attitudes and personalities so I would have to know "Can I" answers to arrive at "Should I" responses. I should also have the willingness to accept the consequences I would be focusing on also. "How do I want this to turn out for me"? I love to read post from compassionate members cause that is me also. I love more the post that also include the ability to set and perform boundaries. Both "Babies" have needs and one of them has some ability to fulfill her own needs. The other is helpless unless someone fulfills their needs. Is this young woman in the program? Is she learning to recover from the sickness she arrived from? You've known here for a long time and you sound like you know the program over a while also. The old saying "If you give a man a fish versus if you teach him how to" pops up for me. The 12th step pops up for me. Is she willing to "change the things she can"? Its all about practice and giving it away. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
