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A/bf. has been doing soo good trying so hard working hard found a great job he was soo happy,I thought we could build us an empire the way things were going,then out of. nowhere he started acting diff.lost interest in his job,I finaly had to get him out of my home,I wanted so bad for us to make it everything going great but now he seems to be a diff. Person he had a seizure a few weeks ago but I'm pretty sure he was already getting into drugs here and there and then finnalyaly it went from drugs to alcohol .today he is asleep here in my home I think he may be gonna try to do. better but I'm thinking this is one of his binges he gets on from time to time if it is I guess the only thing to do is cut him loose and cut all ties I have to him or with him......help ,,,,I dont know or understand.binges?????especially when my a is homeless if it werent for me,haveing my own place and my stability.any esh on all this please.he is in no recovery and don't believe in recovery programs.his deceased father quit his drinking on his own and never went back to it......thanks for letting me ramble on and on,,,,,looking up
Hi lookingup I am sorry that BF has again started to use his drug of choice This is indeed a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless.
It is so important for you to keep attending meetings, sharing here and using the tools in order to recover your own ability to respond in a healthy manner to the insanity around you.
I only have a few minutes, but I know there will be more posts. If both of you don't diligently work recovery programs, this is a little taste of what your future will be. It is a fatal disease that WILL end in death, for both of you (it will show up in different ways for you, not necessarily physical death). In you it will manifest as the death of your life force and that could eventually lead to other physical symptoms, which could lead to an early death. I am not painting a pretty picture, because it isn't. It is wonderful that you have posted here, as this is a piece recovery work. Big hug.
You already have some ideas for boundaries. As far as understanding the binges....In order to understand, you'd have to be an alcoholic/addict. It's just an insane desire to check out, not feel, and reach an oblivion state. It doesn't make sense but the urge/craving is so powerful. Most people cannot "just quit" especially when drugs enter into the picture. Just about any active addict is going to say they don't believe in recovery/AA/NA all the way up until they have no hope and they are totally desperate. Otherwise, they will chase the delusion that they can control it, stop on their own, hide it....until they surrender. Hopefully the mounting consequences of addiction will force him to believe in recovery. That is usually how it works.
Get yourself to an alanon meeting and get support for yourself during this difficult time. Living with and loving a person with an addiction does a horrible number on your psyche and self-esteem.
Thanks for replys,should I take the risk of allowing him back into my life or ???,what am I looking at if I do let my guards completely down which I'm a bit skiddish to do yet.
I have been married to my AH for almost 14 years. I only recently was able to really get in touch with what has happened to me during that time. PP mentions a loss of life force...it is very true. I have missed out on a great deal of joy, happiness, peace and serenity due to this disease. My first step was realizing that I was living my life according to the fantasy in my head, not the reality. I looked more into what was GOING to happen, what my life was GOING to be like...when my AH stopped drinking etc. Well 14 years later....little has changed. I am finally doing my best to look at the here and now. I certainly do look into the REAL past and look at patterns of behavior. Promises soon broken, twisted lies that I let myself believe rather than listen to how I felt. For example, "you are the best thing that ever happened to me, you are my priority, I would do anything for you" meanwhile it has been a week since I have seen or heard from him and he has spent most of our money on drugs and alcohol, taking our only car forcing me to rent one. He has a way of manipulating the way I think because I am living in a fantasy..was living in a fantasy.
The first thing i had to realize was that there was nothing that *I* could do to help him, change him, influence him etc. This is something that HE has to do on his own...
then next things was that any attempts that i made to do all of the above - killed my spirit, twisted me up in to my own ball of a mess.
Then i had to GRIEVE. really, I had to mourn this loss of control over my life and him as well as face the true reality - the UGLY reality that PP talks about.
Then I let my HP have control (I still work on that lol) my HP knows what is best for me, and his HP knows what is best for him. In this I can have peace and serenity.
My AH has made promises to quit after promises to quit. YES, I believe a million percent that he WANTS to stop drinking. The problem is that he CANT. He is not working a program, he is not looking for help. SO I decided that I am going to take MY LIFE BACK! I found a new place to live. I am going to remove myself from the chaos of active alcoholism and its shrapnel. I am going to find myself a place of peace. When he starts actively working to get himself into a place of peace and serenity mentally...then we can work on things.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I have to keep reminding myself of that. He may say he loves me but if he does not ACT like he loves me (respect me, support me, cherish me etc), then something is wrong. It is not just about the drinking it is the MENTAL HEALTH. I want to be with someone who is striving for a healthy mentality.
I wish you all the best. You have found the right place - we are all Miracles In Progress.
This is truly horrible for you and so glad you have shared here. There is little I can add to the replies above. Living with an alcoholic is more than most of us can bear. Nobody other than an alcoholic can understand why they drink, for those of us living with it/having lived with it it is simply insanity. Don't try and figure it out, its wasted emotional energy - get help - get to a face to face meeting - it is destructive disease and damages all who come into contact with it.
I don't know about you, but when I was first faced with alcoholism and drug addiction, I looked for the magic pill and the magic solution that would make everything go to normal or go back to normal. Nothing like that existed. I couldn't make decisions and stick with them because I was a mess inside and not sure of the next right step to take for me - especially when my focus was mostly on him. Al-Anon meetings, recovery work for me, a sponsor, the fellowship and a good therapist who was educated in drug and alcohol treatment for individuals and families affected by the disease all helped me get serious about what I wanted and needed for me whether or not my As stopped using.
Thanks for replys,should I take the risk of allowing him back into my life or ???,
It depends on what kind of a like you would like to live. Sane vs insane....it is really simple but not easy when you love an alcoholic. If you were counseling your best friend, how would you respond if she asked you that question?
