The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My best friend has a son who is a lot like my eldest son, with issues, bad behaviour, addiction issues, his is less to do with alcohol though. Anyway, he has befriended my youngest son who has no alcohol issues of his own but having been brought up in an alcoholic home and seeing the disease in his Father then his brother, hates alcohol like me.
Anyway, my friends son has been in my house a lot lately and I can see his disease from an outside perspective but more surprisingly I can see my sons enabling and codependant behaviours in this relationship. My friends son presents all the classic manipulative behaviours, the poor me and whole needy thing and here comes my son the rescuer. My friends son has gambling issues and he steals so I dont really want him in my home, having put my own son out I feel that I dont want another problem in my life, I have enough. This has been bothering me for a while and I was feeling a bit resentful until tonight my friend and I talked and I told her how I felt. I feel that Its a delicate situation, this is her son, who by the way, I care about, and heres me telling her how I dont really like him being friends with my son and being in my house. Sounds terrible when I say it like that.
Anyway, the problem is I dont want to hurt anyone but I also have my own life to keep serene and the less worry I have for my recovery the better. I also dont want to cushion anyone from their consequences and I hate to see my son doing this. What do you think?
You are a brave one to take this sensitive topic up with your friend. I am in support of your actions as you were speaking from your truth. If you and I had this level of friendship, I would rest in the knowing that I could trust you to be honest with me. That way we could have authentic conversations without manipulations, resentments, second guessings, etc. Shielding her and her son from the truth wasn't helpful for anyone. I had someone tell me once "sometimes being a channel of grace isn't pretty". You channeled grace with your honesty, but it might not have been pretty, oh well.
The way I see this difficult situation is that you used your alanon tools, placed principles above personalities and were honest and open with your friend.
Doing the right thing is often difficult and I salute your courage.
Thank you, shes a really close friend and she knows what Ive went through with my son. She said she knew I would be feeling this way. I dont know, she may take it badly even though she seems to be okay, shes in Alanon too so she is aware of the philosophy so hopefully it doesnt hurt our friendship too much. My youngest son on the other hand will probably be really angry that I have said this. I think I am ready for the consequences because I am sure my motives have been right, its about protecting my own life rather than wanting to hurt anyone.
.I would not want my son involved with someone that has a problem with drugs or alcohol. Yeah you son will get mad but I pray you will be able to sit him down and explain why you did what you did. Being honest with your son will go a long way. I hope you can explain to him about enabling and codependency behaviors and how it can effect his life like it has effected yours.
Take care and prayers for your sons....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Some questions to ask yourself ......Is he the same age as your young son? Why has he befriended him? Does your son have other friends and does this boy have other friends? Could he be trying to influence your son in some way? Is he trying to steal from your house, and think you won't notice?
You have learned to be aware and spot the co-dependent relationship right off!
I do think the conversation with your friend will be a difficult one. But what are your options in this situation. ...... og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Al-Anon encourages openness and honesty. As a person who values integrity, I'd prefer having a friend who could be upfront, honest and direct with me about their own thoughts, feelings and needs than somebody who said only what could make me feel good while withholding the rest of their story because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. My feelings can get hurt and after a few days, I'd be grateful I had at least one person in my life who trusted me enough to say what was true for them and loved me enough to let me make whatever choices I needed to make to take care of myself, too. I value honesty like yours, el cee, and respect your choice to take the harder road in relationship to your friend.
El-cee, your honesty is very refreshing and I believe that honesty and truth go hand in hand, denial screws the head up, what ever anyone else does with the truth is their problem but speaking yours was very courageous, and sometimes being brave and speaking our mind does for someone else that which they can't do for themselves, you are true friend!
