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All of my life, I have had a mom who has never allowed me to express my feelings. She has always attacked me by saying "your too sensitive" or "you shouldn't feel that way" or even worse, my mother would deny every hurting my feelings by saying, "I never said that" or "get over it, your not going to ruin my day". Mom is a liar and has been a "dry drunk" for 5 years now. She's very narcissistic and the world evolves around her most of the time. She is not able to think of others feelings without thinking that it's an attack or that someone is out to sabotage her day. It's all about her.....
My mother also has a very dysfunctional relationship with my daughter. She treats her like a sister who she fights with constantly and treats me as if I am mother. I know this is usually what happens (ACOA becoming parent).
My brother is a drug addict and constantly blames me for his problems. Here is my situation:
My brother took my daughter on a road trip (at the time I did not know he was addicted to meth). He ended up emotionally abusing her for the entire trip and my daughter was petrified. When she came back, my brother told me how "disobedient" she was but this is all due to his meth use during the trip. He was paranoid that she was going to leave his side and get raped or lost (his exact words). As he was expressing his disappointment in her, I was looking at him with mere bewilderment because he was acting so weird and looked extremely tired. My brother had a fit and left the room and texted me later saying that he has disowned me "I no longer have a sister" and my mother texted my daughter and said that she was a very bad kid and that she will never amount to nothing.
I have blocked the both of them on my phone and wish to never speak to them again. This is an ongoing thing they both do to me and I am so tired of the hate they have toward me and jealousy. I have survived a childhood of alcoholism at my moms hands and I have achieved much (MBA) and have moved on with my life but their dysfunction has really gotten to me this time since they hurt my daughter (a daughter I am to protect!!)
I am a Christian and believe it when God says to forgive. I have forgiven both of them but I can't handle them anymore. I am fighting this so hard because I want to be a part of their lives if they were nice to me or had common sense or would just deal with their own dysfunction once and for all.....
has anyone else out there going through this too?? any advice, prayer, comment is appreciated.
I understand your desire for normal relationships. I left my AH. I still love him but I have to use my brain and put my sanity and the safety and sanity of myself and my children first. It hurts when we cannot change people. I am trying to focus on myself and my children. Hang in there. I don't blame you at all for not talking to them.
Hello Tina Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Many of us here can readily identify only too well with the difficult and irrational situation that you have just described. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured It is a physical, emotional and spiritual disease that not only affects the drinker but the family as well. The behavior you have outlined is common. Cong rats on taking care of yourself and getting your MBA
Alanon is a fellowship of people who live with or have lived this disease and who break the isolation caused by living in he insanity and connect in order to develop positive coping tools to survive and thrive.
You are a concerned mom and I would urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is found in the white pages. It is here that I learned to rebuild my self esteem , keep the focus on myself. living one day at a time. I am not sure of your daughter's age but there are ala teen meetings that could be helpful when she reaches that age
I was not allowed to express my feelings with my Mom either although she wasn't an A. My daughter helped me one day when she observed me trying to have a conversation with my Mom during one of my visits to her the last summer she lived. We got into the car and I started crying - 1st because my mother was dying of cancer and 2nd because I couldn't ever seem to have a real conversation with her in the give and take fashion I could have with my daughter and my close friends. My daughter said, "Mom, you're trying to dialogue with Grandma. She doesn't want dialogue. She just wants you to listen to her. If you want any kind of a relationship with Grandma, you're going to have to let go of what you'd like with her and just listen as she wants from you." My daughter was right. I could feel the truth of her words. From then on, I just listened to my Mom. She was never kind to me after that either, but I no longer felt the frustration of trying to have a two way relationship with her. I shared my thoughts and feelings with people who were capable of listening and dialogue after that.
I loved my Mom and I had to accept that although I loved her, she had wounds that weren't going to heal. Fortunately, I was capable of what I wanted in relationship to my Mom and decided to capitalize on it with my daughter. I didn't have to repeat the pattern my Mom knew.
Keep coming back. You are not alone. Al-Anon meetings will a big help to you as they have been to all of us who have gone through what you described and found hope and relief in the program.
It was stunning for me to hear the words "you are going to have to move away from all things alcohol" early in my Al-Anon recovery journey. I actually was waiting on permission to do that and didn't know it and when it came I instantly followed thru with it. I didn't do it with fear or anger or judgments and such, I did it with peace and acceptance and the awareness I would be better off for it...and I have been. Disown might be one way of saying it "detachment is how I say and do it. You can hear more about that here and in the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Keep coming back here too. (((((hugs)))))
I have moved away physically, emotionally and in all ways from my Mom and brother. They are unhealthy and threaten my sanity. I can relate to a lot of your post and have let them know where I stand and now do not communicate with them. I am healthy, happy and moving forward thanks to my al-anon meetings, my sponsor and MIP. I do not owe anyone my serenity or health nor my children's, even in regards to my family of origin. I can so relate and pray you can detach and save yourself. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I do want to add something, too. Whenever I slammed a door in anger or frustration in relationship to some of my loved ones, it always flew right back open at another time. I learned that meetings, slowing down on making major decisions and following through until my HP revealed an option to me that helped me feel lighter and more peaceful, and asking for clarity when I was in doubt on the next right step for me helped me avoid acting out(reacting) and then needing to make an amends. With the help of Al-Anon and my sponsors, I learned how to stop building walls and start drawing boundaries that were moveable and changeable depending on the person, the situation and my HP's guidance.
