I have a hard time with this one .. I can admit that addiction is a disease however while it has physical things that are happening .. I am able to view it more as a mental/thinking disease something I can't see or touch.

I've never had the feeling you aren't blaming him for being sick .. however .. you don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. That statement to me is manipulation .. I have heard well if he had diabetes you wouldn't leave him .. no .. I wouldn't because I would hope that he would address that issue and most people who have an illness take care of themselves. I don't have to remain in a relationship with someone who won't address their issues, whatever they are. I need to take care of me so he can take care of him .. his issues aren't my burden to bare. The financial/emotional toll for me was to much, .. ending a relationship especially long term one is a difficult choice to make. No one enters into that decision lightly, staying or leaving is a very personal choice and some people don't live with the devastation that addiction can leave in terms of financially. Others do .. once the DUI's started racking up, the infidelity, the list goes on .. it becomes more than oh s/he's got cancer .. it's I deserve peace and happiness for myself I'm not a doormat!

Hugs S :)

Here is how I think of it. Say an A has a "socially acceptable" disease like cancer. For sake of example, let's call him Tom.

Tom is diagnosed with cancer. The medical staff tells Tom what he must do to treat it. It isn't metastatic yet, and it could be years before he will be completely clean of it, if ever, but he is given a treatment plan that, if not followed, will likely result in a slow and painful death.

A couple weeks go by. Tom's wife is talking to the neighbor about it. The conversation goes like this:

"How's Tom taking it?"
"Not well. He is in full blown denial. They tell me that that is the first stage of grief, and he's got to move through it"
"What is his treatment plan?"
"They are going to start off with radiation, then move on to chemo"
"So when is his first radiation? Can I help?"
"I don't know. Tom refuses treatment! He's still too much in denial!"
.......

Another couple weeks go by. Tom is still stuck in first stage grief. Tom is getting grumpy, because his subconscious, and his wife, won't let him alone about this.

"Honey, have you talked to the doctor about your radiation today?"
"No, dammit, I'm tired of talking about this. I don't want to have anything to do with those damn doctors. What do they know about my life, anyway? Can't all you people just leave me alone? I hate cold hospitals!!"

Tom starts losing friends, because this same refrain is what he says to most people. Friends and acquaintances are naturally concerned and want to offer help, but Tom rebuffs them at every turn. And his wife doesn't even know how to express her grief anymore. She has given up, and has stopped talking to him about it. She is now in denial too, because she has come to the conclusion that he will never get the help he needs.

After awhile, Tom and his wife realize they have no friends left. The elephant in the room is too uncomfortable for anyone to discuss. People now turn the other way when they see Tom or his wife at the grocery store. And it's even worse now that Tom has started looking frail.

And now, stricken with grief and finally giving in that Tom won't get help, his wife leaves him. Some people talk and say it is cruel. Others realize what was happening. But Tom's wife got out from the constant denial, and knew that she couldn't take watching him die, or it would kill her as well.

----------------------

So, to me, if they are active, but realize they have a disease, and know that there is help for it, they are just like Tom. The only difference is that the whole community doesn't know it because alcoholism isn't socially acceptable. But you do. And you know it will kill him. And, by searching your motives and your understanding of yourself, you know what you can take and what you can't take, and who he will take down with him, and whether it is worth it for you to leave him.

Did anybody blame Tom for his disease? No, they responded with concern and kindness. But Tom's attitude changed it all around. His denial put him in a place that not only killed him, but left him friendless when he died. If only he had taken advantage of the treatment offered him, he could have had a much longer, happier life.

Thanks everyone.
Kenny, the analogy of the cancer patient is right on. right on. I really feel like I have no choice (but to leave). I love him, I want to stay and work through it. The problem is that he doesn't see there is a problem to work through. yeah, its just really really hard. And I miss him but at the same time, don't really want him to come home.

To me - both diseases are the same. They both kill. My Mom had cancer. She had the only recommended course of treatment - surgery. She died of it anyway. She also had good days and bad days and was a pill on the bad days. She was mean to me and mean to my Dad on both the good days and the bad days. She couldn't deal with her feelings just like an alcoholic can't deal with theirs. I could have chosen to be mean to her, too, and to be devastated by her behaviors. I chose to be kind to her but I was also devastated by her behaviors. If I had it to do over again, I would have treated her the same way I do my alcoholic son now. I would have stopped looking for where I was going wrong with her and start looking at where I was going right by myself and capitalize on it. It wouldn't save my Mom, but it sure would have saved me hours of emotional turmoil and second guessing myself. I also would have chosen to stop letting her behaviors influence my thoughts about myself and my choices to do what I needed to do to take care of myself no matter what she said or did. And I wouldn't have let the cancer just like alcoholism be an excuse for her nasty disposition. I wouldn't have tried to change her, but I wouldn't have blamed myself or let her blame me for behaving in her words "like a witch on wheels."

It's not his disease that's the problem, it's that he won't treat his disease.  It's no different from someone who has diabetes and won't monitor his blood sugar and tries to drive and passes out and injures someone.  He can't be blamed for having diabetes, but he can sure as heck be blamed for not treating it and taking such risks with it.

But of course we all know that the active A will use any excuse to get out from under the responsibility.  My A used to say, "I just drink because you stress me out about my drinking!"  Ok, whatever!

Hang in there and keep taking good care of yourself.