The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm here. Thanks to google. ALl of the soul searching, researching and web-searching brought me to this site. On this day. I'm feeling sad, scared, awkward and angry if I'm completely honest, and let's face it, we could all probably use a whole lot of honesty in our lives.
I'm married to an addict/alcoholic. There are many other words I could and would like to use to describe him, but I'll let the disease speak for itself as to his description. Here's our story:
We met when I was 18, a few weeks shy of my 19th birthday. I was in college, and he was 26 and finished with school and still figuring out what to do with his life. I fell instantly. I knew undoubtedly that he was the man I was meant to spend my life with. He didn't complete me, he enhanced me. Made me see everything in a new life and light. We got engaged a few months later and married when I was 20. Over the last ten years of marriage we've shared a life time of joys: three incredible children, friendship, laughter, memories... you name it. He was the husband that gave me butterflies when he arrived home from work everyday, even after 8 years of marriage! BUt like every marriage full of joys, we've had our share of sorrows, in the last two years everything has come to a head.
Following the death of his father my husband struggled grieving. He avoided grief. He began using alcohol and cocaine to mask how he was feeling. I was in the dark. He didn't drink much around me and never really went out with friends drinking, but while he was working he began using cocaine. He was always 'normal' when he got home so I had no reason to suspect. It all came to a head two years ago when he started heading for rock bottom. We were separated for a while, but began working on our marriage (while I was still in the dark about the cocaine use). During the separation he incurred a DUI and at the urging of our marriage counselor he attended an AA meeting. He's been in recovery for 17.5 months.
THings have been difficult as we have worked through them. BUt up until last weekend I thought things were going well. There were a few signs of him being on a dry drunk. I went with the kids to see my parents for a couple of days on a planned trip to meet my newest niece. WHile I was away my husband slept with another woman. His sponsor told him this was a dry drunk and all leading up to a drink. That instead of drinking/using he chose a fling... "One time won't hurt..." "No one will ever know" He got the same rush from the affair as the drugs/drinking. He maintains that he is not using. He has passed drug tests for both work and at home. He has also been going to his meetings and working with his sponsor. I believe he was dry at the time, but was obviously not thinking sober.
I'm here thanks to google. I've been to an al-anon meeting only to feel out of place and uncomfortable. I tried calling the al-anon hotline about a year ago and the lady was unkind, lacking any empathy. After that I was done Now google has led me here.
I'm not sure what the future holds for my marriage or for me. I'm angry. I'm angry that this disease that I know I have no control over controls and dictates and poisons everything. I'm angry that the disease is used as a card to play.... you may be an addict, but you're still responsible for your choices! I'm just tired of the hurt and being hurt. I'm tired of the deception. I'm tired of having to go to counseling, and meetings for things that are not of my doing. His sponsor suggested I give the meetings a try again. But it's difficult to find and afford childcare for 3 kids for marriage counseling, individual counseling and then for going to meetings.
Is there any hope for healing with an addict/alcoholic for a husband? Is there any hope in saving marriages with so much deception and hurt in them? How do you deal with the hurt, anger, despair, frustration, and embarrassment. My friends are happily married and can't imagine an affair plaguing their marriage let alone the addiction, recovery hell cycle....
-- Edited by whatnow4us5 on Monday 24th of March 2014 02:59:55 PM
-- Edited by whatnow4us5 on Monday 24th of March 2014 03:10:15 PM
You are in the right place. You are not alone--so many of us have lived through what you are or are living with what you are. I know that this program has helped me take care of myself, keep the focus on myself and not so much on what my A is doing. The description of the fling as something that replaced the drink makes some sense to me, but am curious as to what others will say about that. I know that As have that addiction that will show up with drink, drugs, women, other? So I'm thinking there's truth to that.
Keep coming back--there's much wisdom and strength here, as well as in the meetings on line and face to face.
Aloha S and welcome to the board...good search great find. My name is Jerry F and I am a grateful (very very) member of the Al-Anon Family Groups...I am also a double meaning I am an Al-Anon member who wishes to never drink again. I have the compulsion and the allergy of alcoholism and was born and raised that way.
I was also oppositional and defiantly so when I first touched Al-Anon and so I also backed away with justifications. I took me two trips to find my own chair and be able to sit all the way down in it. I also was resentful being their because "she" had the problem...drinking and drugging, lying, cheating, stealing and a list of a whole lot of other things I finally tore up and threw away. I wasn't in Al-Anon I found out later because of her I was there because of me...I found out I played a large part in my insanity and learned to accept the description of "enabler"...yes I was and am an enabler. I am not so much now that yet still have the compulsion. Enablers out from their best, thinking, feelings and actions and intentions will make the consequence of the disease worse and progressively worse. We don't have the anesthesia of alcohol that the alcoholic and addict has so we go thru the insanity wide awake. They cannot remember what went on and we remember everything in living color and 3D. My XAW was a cheater (infidelity)...I poo poo'd it as long as she finally arrived at home and could still cook a good meal and attend to the kids. I poo poo'd it also when she would run for a weekend and empty the saving account before disappearing. I poo poo'd it when the police and doctors and institutions and hospitals and the like were involved is she would try to just slow down or stop and would she slow down and stop if I could teach her the proper way to drink and use? Enablers manipulate and control as well as the alcoholic/addict. She lied as if it was a career and so I stopped trusting what she said and didn't take her seriously at all. I also lied when I hid my feelings and attempted to manipulate her behavior. We were all sick and insane because alcoholism and drug addiction negatively affects everyone it comes into contact with. I thought I was well put together until I came back into Al-Anon and made a decision to hang with the program doing 100+ meetings over a 90 day period of time. I arrived at "my part in my problem" and took my focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife...I mean after all why was she in my life in the first place? and why was she not the first addict or alcoholic female that I was having a relationship with?
There is soooo much to find out about me that needed to be corrected, adjusted, tweaked, massaged, leg go and replaced and so on. Keep coming back here to MIP as often as you can. You are not alone. You can scroll back on the post which have come way before you found our door and learn not only are you not alone and your story is very very similar to many of ours also. The similarities are what leads us to understanding and recovery. The meeting rooms are where I can hear the stories and see the member and share the recovery. If you want the best of this program of recovery get into the rooms...do 90 meetings in 90 days (your area might not have that many meetings...mine had a combination of 435 or so meeting a month...this is a serious disease!!) or however many you can...sit down, all the way down, listen, learn, then practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back here also (((((hugs))))) in support.
My Alcoholic Wife has been in inpatient therapy twice. The second is where she got serious, and the place got serious with her. They taught her the difference between alcohol sobriety and emotional sobriety. You can not drink, but still be drunk. Some people call that dry drunk, but it is still a form of replacing feeling with something that keeps us numb.
Many relatives of alcoholics (including me)have addiction problems also, where we are addicted to our alcoholic. We tolerate behavior from our spouses that we would tolerate from no one else. We put up with constantly focusing on the A. We say "at least he/ahs hasn't...." you name it, and oftentimes they end up doing that very thing shortly. We have Al Anon to help us with that.
I went to a couple of Al Ann meetings the first time and didn't get it. Came back a year later after AW had two DUIs, and I finally understood that we needed a safe place to go through our steps of addiction withdrawal. Step 1 is just like the AA step, in that we admit we are powerless over alcohol.
That often involves a lot of venting at first, so feel free to vent here and pour your heart out. There are many good people here who will respond.
I can relate to the hurt and pain you must feel from the infidelity. I went through it, too.
I hope you give face-to-face meetings another try. Some meetings even offer child care or their members don't mind if you bring your kids in the same room so long as the kids don't disrupt the meeting.
Your husband has his program and you definitely deserve your own program and support from people who understand what you're going through.
Al-Anon meetings are not about making things better for the drinker. They're about making things better for ourselves. As soon as I started going to the meetings for me, I stopped wondering why I had to go to meetings when it was the alcoholic who had the problems.
Welcome to MIP. You've gotten a lot of good information, support and suggestions from some of our family. I just want to add that I'm glad you're here. Al-Anon helps us help ourselves through the anger and the pain of doing the same things over and over again and getting more pain as a result of it. You didn't cause this disease. You can't control it. You can't cure it. What you can do is reclaim your power and the ability to enjoy life again. As far as your husband having an affair - obviously that isn't okay with you - and it doesn't have to matter why he did it. It still isn't okay with you. Honoring your own value system is a healthy choice on your part.
Thank you all for the replies and encouragement. I've decided to try to use these forums at first to see if I can find some softening in me somewhere. I appreciate your time.
