The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about my actions last night or Reactions really. Selfish actions made out of frustration and bitterness. This was NOT what I was going for.
I was soooo proud of myself (still am) for finally standing up for myself and living MY life. I guess that while I was basking in my own glory I forgot the concept of "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean".
You see, I have committed to moving out, although I still love my AH dearly. Yesterday I came home immediately after church due to a terrible headache. He gave me promises of coming home to take care of me. That we were going to have a wonderful relaxing day. Well I got home around 12:30. and he fooled around and continued to give me the impression that he was "on his way home"...but didn't get home until close to 6pm.
His energy alone gave me shortness of breath even though his words or actions were acceptable.
SO at 8PM..on a SUNDAY...when he wanted to go out for another batch of Jerk chicken from a restaurant an hour away...and he asked me if I cared...I basically said that that was fine cause he was stressing me out anyway. The thing is I KNEW the restaurant wouldn't be open. DUH. Now, I am not sure the he (being a foolish A) would have had the sense to call them first lol. So I basically encouraged him to go.(I assumed that he just wanted to meet up with his friends anyway) We all know what happens when a A leaves a 8pm.. Sure, he doesn't come back.
Now, it is not so much the point that he is my responsibility or that he can't make his own decisions as much as I could have just not selfishly ENCOURAGED him to leave. I am not sure if that is detachment with LOVE or Malice. I sort of feel like set him up. eeekkkk. That is not very nice of me. Hmmm. What is worse is that I vacillate between feeling a little bad about it and feeling like i got little revenge. not good. Allthough it probably would have ended up the same anyway.
I was told by a counselor at AWs rehab center, who is 10 years in recovery himself - there is NOTHING you can do to make me drink or use. NOTHING. I lift the elbow, I put the lighter to the spoon, I stop in at the liquor store.
I played those games with my AW for awhile. When she got her license back after her first DUI, she wanted us to stop in to get a pizza at a restaurant in town, and do carry out. Sounded good to me. When we pulled in the lot, she said she was going out to fill up while we were waiting. But she was gone for probably abou 25 minutes, normally would take 10 minutes max to get gas. Where was she? I was pretty sure I knew where. but I tired of the games. She had to take responsibility for her actions.
If he wants to pretend to get jerk chicken, and you don't want to, he will come up with some other reason to leave. Maybe you could say something like "why don't you just say you want to go drinking? Just go do what you want to do, and let's stop pretending". If you shut down the comebacks from that, he will leave. And go do what you know he is doing.
And what will you do in the meantime? You are already doing lots of constructive things. Keep them up. I think you are doing a great job, don't worry about the trees, you are taking care of the forest!!
I think Kenny is right. Jerk chicken was an excuse to get out of the house. I think in his mind it sounded like a reasonable, domestic type of errand that he could run without you questioning him. The bottom line is he didn't come home. In addition to the al-anon slogans add 'actions speak louder than words' and make plans/decisions based upon what is best for YOU.
Someone recently told me to imagine that I have a 4 year old child standing beside me. When the ABF is acting up; would I allow him to behave like that in front of a child? In most cases, the stuff my ABF says/does is soooo vile that I would never want a 4 year old to be exposed to it/him. So the idea is to 'protect the child' and leave. Take the wind out of his sails and avoid the drama for the time being.
Susie, I dont get your thinking here. He wanted to disappear with his friends to drink, you are sick of playing the game, told him to go. What are you guilty about? He may have had a drive for nothing, do you think he was ever going to the restaurant? I can relate to the whole guilt thing, it kept me back for years but remember you dont have that kind of power to control what anyone does. Hes an alcoholic and does what alcoholics do. Who can blame you for not wanting him there with you, hes not really there with you anyway, his mind is elsewhere. Please dont give yourself a hard time, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.
Frankly, I think its okay if you have had enough of the lies and speak to the truth of what he's really saying. He wanted to go drink without a hassle from you. You decided it wasn't worth the hassle either and said "Go do what you're going to do," in the way you chose. If you'd put up a fuss, he would have gone anyway - maybe after you decided you needed to use the bathroom or were ready for bed. He is operating under a compulsion. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it - the compulsion is going to win no matter what. Even if it means he suddenly decides to go work on his car in the garage at midnight where he has stashed a bottle or two. One day, he may decide he's had enough of it all, too, but it doesn't appear that he is deciding that and doing something about it now. That's on him - not you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 24th of March 2014 05:09:17 PM
I do the best I can with what I have and realize that the journey is mostly progress and not perfection. My alcoholic/addict wife said she was going to a AA meeting and she left...just after she left the liquor store called for someone to come pick up our check book. I said thank you someone would arrive and turned back to my TV program. Hour plus later my wife arrived back at the apartment and I told her that the liquor store called and she needed to go pick up the check book. She started a story about having a "chip and dip" meeting at some guys apartment and when she was done I repeated that she needed to go pick up the check book. She tried another angle that she must have dropped it outside of the market which was next door to the liquor store and I acknowledged "Okay and you need to go get the check book" calmly. She replied "Okay come with me and we'll go get it" and I responded "you can go I'm in the middle of a show I want to finish watching". She got angry and shouted "But you've always done it this way" to which I replied "I understand and that is changing". She slammed the door and left and came back with the check book. I enjoyed the show. My sponsor gave me the vision of this even before it happened. Dang the program really works and sponsor are soooo smart. (((((hugs)))))
