The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its a while since I have shared here, in many ways my life is good and I generally find a balance in my feelings and emotions, but for the past week I have felt very flat. Whilst its so easy to blame being busy at work or the day to day stresses of life I spent some hours earlier in quiet meditation and contemplation. I came to realise that its not the 'stuff of life' that was pulling me down - rather my attitude. Deep down although not currently living with active alcoholism it still, when I drop my guard, drags me back to a place in my thoughts where I do not really want to be.
In checking in with myself I realised that I am really quite lonely, I am lucky enough to have some lovely Al-Anon friends and the chance to get to ftof meetings and these are very much a lifeline for me, I have work colleagues with whom I am friendly but I think what I am missing deep down is the intimacy of a relationship, not the sexual side necessarily but just the intimacy and closeness and trust.
When I think about the possibilities of this however I begin to Fear, how can I get close to somebody else? Both my previous relationships have been with Alcoholics, I look for the problem in others and perhaps more honestly still see the problem in myself - I can be such a doormat for other people to walk over. Frustrating - I guess I am being really hard on myself at the moment - I am still putting up barriers against getting close to others.
I know this will pass, but I need to cling on to the fact that I am getting in my own way and start to really forgive in order to move on with a more open mind
Thank you for the chance to share my feelings - just for today
A great insight. I have been looking at this stuff, too. Although I adore the quiet and contemplation I can get way off balance and begin to feel flat, as you have described. For me, it is a reminder that I need to play, I need to have fun in the company of others. Living with addictions is joy sucking, then we forget how to play and have fun...it is sort of expected of us to be all stodgy and serious...it is like wearing a body girdle 24/7. I am not minimizing the need for intimacy, that is vital as well. Thank you for the thought provoking share
Thank you so much for having the courage to go deep within and share the pain that you found. That is how we heal, learn and grow. This was a good fourth and fifth step on the subject and I sense that you are already on the Sixth Step -becoming entirely ready to have HP lift this anxiety and fear.
Remember FEAR is "False Evidence Appearing Real "and that Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Please keep showing up, using the tools, connecting and praying and soon you will find that the gifts of Al-Anon have been realized within you. Here is a list of the gifts.
We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. 2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return. 3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth 4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents. 5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others. 6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them. 7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame. 8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand. 9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows. 10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace. 11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe. 12. We will laugh more.
My therapist always asks me what fun things I have in store for myself. I never had ANYTHING fun planned. I was always doing stuff, working cleaning etc. and while I can have fun while I am doing that ---it's not planned. I am focusing now on planning fun time---movies, shopping, walk in the park----sure it's mostly by myself but I can get to meet new and interesting people---not for any relationship---- but just to talk or chit chat and you know what----that makes me feel good.
I deserve to feel good---sometimes I have to remind myself ALOT that I really do deserve to feel good.
Have a great day!
__________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Yes it does feel as if I am on the threshold of 'something' - although feeling these things can be painful, I know from time in the fellowship that they are often just a precursor to some change that is right and my HP will guide me in the right direction.
Pre -planned fun, you know that is something I don't feel I have done for many a year! I still find it strange that I can feel so self-confident and at ease meeting new people in a work context but so scary in a social situation - I think I have a very 'rule based' approach to life.
Anyway for today I have had a lovely walk and that has helped lift a few dark clouds and as ever nature allows me to think so much more clearly
Life becomes drudgery without something to look forward to every day in my experience. Even if my something to look forward to is just a ride in the country or buying a new, good smelling soap, it is enough to make my life enjoyable and not just one task after another. I realized one day that I was operating out of a childhood learning that fun could happen after school work and chores and not a second before I was finished with both. As an adult, my chores were never finished. I was so bad at having fun, I probably treated myself to something enjoyable no more than three times a year and mostly once a year when I hosted a Christmas party at my home. Not true now.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 24th of March 2014 05:26:40 PM
'perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis' - they were my life living with alcoholics, I have a little saying on my kitchen wall "A life making mistakes is better than a life doing nothing'. It kind of leapt out at me as I re-read these shares, am I still stuck with those three 'p's holding me back?
I have been continuing to allow my thoughts to flow and yes I rather think that I am, even two years on from the day to day hell of living with the disease it still holds me back, without really being aware of it since living on my own I have made a structure that is way to rigid (because it feels safe)- as you so rightly say grateful2be, its that childhood learning - fun is only allowed once the schoolwork and chores are complete .... and of course they are never complete!
I think worse that I have rather forgotten what 'fun' is - after all the years spent with an alcoholic involved constant management of chaos - until I learned to detach, and fun rarely figured. It hits me know that I have rather forgotten who I am and therein is my learning point and challenge - 'Who am I, what do I enjoy, what do I find funny?'
In looking for that intimacy with others just perhaps I am failing to have an intimate relationship with myself - this is both exciting and terrifying at the same time.
I am seeing my sponsor today - I think we may have a lot to talk about!
