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I can't believe how clueless my AH is! He can't be trusted not to drink and drive with the kids so he promised to take our 6 year old skiing, which is 60 miles away. Couldnt understand why I'd go, he said he was sorry, he's in control, read the term verbal vomit and that is so appropriate. So spent day in car and sitting in chalet with the baby, interrupting her schedule. Completed application for teaching position I don't want but am doing so I'm able to support myself again but also so we stay in same town so kids can still see dad during week. I was angry, have been angry, and he has nothing except the same excuses and denial and lies. He lies about everything! Tonight he comes out of the bedroom and I'm upset as my sister who's fighting stage 4 cancer and has been getting worse, my mom had to bring her in to ER, my mom is sobbing on the phone, my other sister who lives in the same town couldn't be bothered to get up from her nap to support mom at the ER and mom saying she needs someone to come with her (I'm 4 hours away and feeling very guilty right now), but AH assumes it's about him. I explain what's happening "oh she's not feeling well" is his reply then starts in about how I didn't need to go along today, how I need to talk to him, so I tried explaining my anger and not trusting him, he gets defensive puts it on me, explain his reaction is why I don't talk to him, more and more verbal vomit and excuses and what the hell do I want from him. An ounce of compassion or kindness tonight would have been a start. I know it's a disease but there is a human behind that that could make changes, I don't see how i will come to be able to hate the disease and not him. feeling so empty and alone
Oh, I'm so sorry. How many stresses you have going on at the same time! So many people to take care of, and no one to take care of you but you. I'm afraid I've been in that terrible situation too.
In my experience, times of terrible illness and of great stress and sadness don't inspire A's to rise to the occasion. In fact they "lower" to the occasion. When my mother was terminally ill, my A totally wigged out. He couldn't handle that someone (my mother) needed care and sympathy, and he used to chew me out for feeling sad about her. So she's take a turn for the worse and I'd get the bad news and be crying quietly and he'd come and yell at me. He couldn't stand me crying even when it was somewhere else in the house and quiet and nothing to do with him. He had no boundaries whatsoever and so the only way he could be "happy" was if everyone else acted all happy all the time. Things were already stressful and horrible but his reactions made it all worse.
Boy, those were bad times. Not for hundreds of millions of dollars would I ever go through that again.
I know how stressful it must be for your mother, and you being 4 hours away and wanting to help but not being within range. For someone with a serious illness, a whole network of support is needed. You and your sister being there for your mother and sister is important, of course, but so is developing more help, so the burden is not too heavy on any one person. I hope you can help your mother find others to call upon too. Because you all need enough support to go the distance. An-Anon and a caregiver support group might both be useful options.
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, and to realise how unsupported you are as well makes it doubly hard.
If it helps, I had the same experience when my mother was ill. I think that Mattie's take on the situation is spot on.
For me it was important to do what I felt that I needed to do at the time. My bench mark was to minimise any regrets that I might feel when I meet my maker (a bit extreme I know, but it helped me to get a sense of what I needed without taking into account AH's childish demands).
I understand your hurt at your husband's lack of support. You can't really change that I'm afraid. It helped me when I accepted that was the way it was. So do what feels right for you. Sending ((((hugs))))
Kerrymom: I can certainly understand how hard it is to hear that your sister's cancer continues to progress and your Mom doesn't seem to have any family support. I can also understand how difficult it is to be hours away from being a physical support for your sister and your Mom. You have your hands full with your own life stressors and the constant presence of alcoholism coming at you, too. One of the things that has helped me when faced with similar circumstances is having my sponsor to go to daily for support and guidance, friends and members of the fellowship. You are not alone in your grief or the stressors of your life. Good that you came here to post and to be supported. You are choosing to go to the bakery for bread. Lots of prayers, encouragement and support for you and for your family.
Thank you everyone - I knew he wouldn't be supportive I am just so tired of him asking me to justify why I'm still angry at him since according to him he's fine now - in control he says (only drinks on weekends) Don't think he likes the al anon books I've been reading and I used to drop things just so we wouldn't argue, I'm not dropping things now.
