Is my husband an alcoholic? - Al-Anon Family Group

Shif · Newbie

Is my husband an alcoholic?

Shif · Newbie

also, just wanted to add: if he can go without a drink when life is routine but seems to drink any time there is a change (party, event, traveling to my family) does that mean he is an alcoholic?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just because we are married, does not give us the right to tell our adult spouse what to do.He has the right to make his own choices, we have the right to mind our own business.

If we don't accept another as is, then what makes us be with them? We are not their parole officer, parent, sponsor,conscience. We are a part ner.The other part,not them.

At sisters, at dinner,at home, they are going to be or do whatever.What we do is our business. The A's behavior does not reflect on us one bit.

Same as what you do does not reflect on him.

How would you feel if you were diabetic and ate ice cream or more cookies, ice cream would melt if you hid that, lol, and he would look for cookie wrappers than confront you! You have a right to what you eat, how much you eat, whatever. Nothing he would do would be able to control you. Or at sisters you eat ice cream and cake, he gives you a dirty look, yells at you....it is NO different!

Al anon teaches us how to not engage or accept invitations to their craziness.I would look at my A, smile and go do something else. A's are hard to take sometimes, so I just left when it got too much.

As far as he was sonice for awhile. We have NO idea what they do to maintain.I thought mine was finally himself. comfortable,happy. loving,not sad,going to work... then money was being withdrew in forty to eighty increments.huh? He was maintaining himself on heroin.

you my dear can take a breath and let go. Not your responsibility. Think about you, kids, dogs,take a class,wash the car. Live YOUR life. HE is an a of course he is going to drink.What are you going to do?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome No one can give you the answer to your question . Here is the qustions AA uses to help a member determine if he needs AA

We who are in A.A. came because we finally gave up trying to control our drinking. We still hated to admit that we could never drink safely. Then we heard from other A.A. members that we were sick. (We thought so for years!) We found out that many people suffered from the same feelings of guilt and loneliness and hopelessness that we did. We found out that we had these feelings because we had the disease of alcoholism.
We decided to try and face up to what alcohol had done to us. Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly. If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were in deep trouble with our drinking. See how you do. Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a problem.

Answer YES or NO to the following questions.

1 - Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Most of us in A.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to A.A. A.A. said: "Just try not to drink today." (If you do not drink today, you cannot get drunk today.)

Yes No

2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
In A.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just talk about our own drinking, the trouble we got into, and how we stopped. We will be glad to help you, if you want us to.

Yes No

3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
We tried all kinds of ways. We made our drinks weak. Or just drank beer. Or we did not drink cocktails. Or only drank on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we drank anything with alcohol in it, we usually got drunk eventually.

Yes No

4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking? This is a pretty sure sign that you are not drinking "socially."

Yes No

5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.

Yes No

6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Be honest! Doctors say that if you have a problem with alcohol and keep on drinking, it will get worse -- never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life. The only hope is to stop drinking.

Yes No

7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
Before we came into A.A., most of us said that it was the people or problems at home that made us drink. We could not see that our drinking just made everything worse. It never solved problems anywhere or anytime.

Yes No

8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
Most of us used to have a "few" before we started out if we thought it was going to be that kind of party. And if drinks were not served fast enough, we would go some place else to get more.

Yes No

9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
Many of us kidded ourselves into thinking that we drank because we wanted to. After we came into A.A., we found out that once we started to drink, we couldn't stop.

Yes No

10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
Many of us admit now that we "called in sick" lots of times when the truth was that we were hung-over or on a drunk.

Yes No

11 - Do you have "blackouts"?
A "blackout" is when we have been drinking hours or days which we cannot remember. When we came to A.A., we found out that this is a pretty sure sign of alcoholic drinking.

Yes No

12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Many of us started to drink because drinking made life seem better, at least for a while. By the time we got into A.A., we felt trapped. We were drinking to live and living to drink. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Yes No

Remember if his drinking is bothering you- Alanon has a program that can help you . The Hot line number is listed in the white pages Keep coming back here as well There is hope

Shif · Newbie

Debilyn, Thank you! What you wrote makes so much sense.I am going to save this and reread it when I need to. Thank you so much!
Do you have any books that you highly recommend that might help me think more like the way you mentioned?

Shif · Newbie

Thank you so much hotrod! I am amazed at how quick the responses are on this forum. Thank you a million times over :)

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I love Courage to Change and Getting Them Sober.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Note that for you to join and be helped by Alanon, your husband doesn't need to be an alcoholic, but instead you have to be bothered by someone's drinking. Two reasons for this sentence: as you say, you don't know if he is an alcoholic, and in Alanon we try to keep the focus on us.

Many of us have been where you are now. We have seen this disease get progressively worse. My AW went from the odd glass of wine with dinner to full blown vodka binging in a matter of 3 or 4 years. Others take a lot longer to progress. But progress they do.

Quite often family time is a stressful time for people, A or not. The meetings of Alanon and AA swell around holiday seasons. Self-medication and self-pity during family time is very common.

One of the answers to your last question is setting boundaries. You don't have to sit at that dinner table. You don't even have to show up. You decide what you can tolerate or not.

Peace
Kenny

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Hello! Welcome to this message board. I found a lot of strength through the messages/posts here. You are not alone; everyone here has been affected by addiction (and all the junk that comes with it) in one way or another.

Check out this link. It is to a 20 question 'quiz' that opened MY eyes.

al-anon.alateen.org/affected-by-someones-drinking

((( hug )))

Auntyaya · Senior Member

A book that has helped me soo much is The Language of Letting Go-Melody Beattie....although I am no longer w/ my ex alcoholic husband I still use read this book to remind me that we are all in charge of our own lives...just heard a quote " Not my circus, not my monkeys"....LOVE IT!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shif...what you're going thru is really normal for a wife bothered by a spouses drinking. Is he alcoholic...will he take the assessment on his own for his own self because he is concerned about his drinking more than and even not you. When you have the time scroll back in time on this board to see how many of us have had the very similar complaint/story as yours. If you are bothered by his drinking...you need help. The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book...look it up and call and find out where and when we get together in your area and come join us. Keep coming back here also (((((hugs))))) smile

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