Very confused - Al-Anon Family Group

arlivipj · Newbie

Very confused

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Arlivipj

Welcome to MIP. I am happy that you have found us and had the courage to reach out and share.

Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. In Al-Anon I learned new constructive ways of applying my energy and commitment so that I was able to redirect myself to building successful life.

Alanon face to face meetings are held often and in most communities. The Hot line number is listed in the white pages. These meetings can be attended by anyone who has lived with or lived with the problem alcoholism. I urge you to try the meetings before making any decision about your marriage or life.

Recovery is a process so please keep coming

arlivipj · Newbie

I'm just so lost. I don't see how he can recover when he doesn't see it as a problem. I know there are ways I can cope, but I don't feel like it is fair to have to cope and he gets to live his life worry free. I can't not enable him, I don't have any control over his money so he can buy it whenever he wants. He's gotten the point where he has my son grabbing him beers out of the refrigerator and that makes me see red.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome.

First all HE says is bolony,means nothing. It is coming from a very diseased, compromised brain.I swear almost every A tells the ones around them that they are the crazy ones.

So you, he is going to do what he is going to do. We cannot control that, we cannot help the sick addict one tiny bit, except to not get into their business.

I invite you to read literature on on addicts, there are tons of good books. For me it made it easier to concentrate on me and mine. Keep coming here,meetings on here,and find al anon there.

If one continues to drink/use they will get worse, that is a fact,they lie, manipulate, try their darndest to drag us down too. Then we get sick and our kids get sick too.

we cannot love their disease away. We can love and care enough about ourself and our kids to make changes so we live a happy life. Its is almost impossible to live with an active A.

When the disease is talking, no use in listening or trying to figure it out. It is impossible. He has made his place clear, he knows he is A, doubt he knows all that compasses, he likes being an A at this point. We are not going to change that. The more we get into it the sicker WE get.

It is totally up to us what we are going to do. Al anon and we here at MIP are here to help you, support you. listen, teach you skills, give you our experiences and maybe point you to where you can get more help.

Take a breath, if you stay I can guarantee you, you and your kids will feel better.He/ the disease is going to do what it is going to do.

When the disease talks, no sense in giving it any thought, it is all from a body immersed in alcohol,not clean healthy water as it should be.

Keep coming!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow your post took me back so many years ago. I just remembered that feeling.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us. You may know that Al-Anon teaches the "Three C's" -- we didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. If we could control or cure alcoholism, believe me, someone would have found a way. Sadly it is only arrested when and if the alcoholic decides to try for recovery on his own time scale, and no amount of persuasion or appeal on our part changes that. Again, if it could, we would have found a way by now.

But there is a lot of hope. Our own lives and our family's lives can get better when we apply the tools of recovery to ourselves. Alcoholism is such a whirlwind of insanity that we get sucked into it too, our thinking becomes distorted and sometimes it's hard to tell up from down. Al-Anon offers us tools to recover from the insanity and to achieve our own serenity without waiting for the alcoholic to recover or not recover.

One thing I wish someone had told me early on was that only 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery (that's not even counting the ones who never start) make it to longterm sobriety. I wish someone had told me this because I kept waiting and holding my breath for it all to end and him just to stop already. I put my own serenity on hold for a long time waiting for him. But there's no telling what the future holds, and it would have been a lot healthier and happier for me to have started my own recovery right away.

In my case, when my A put our toddler's life at risk much as you describe, that was the moment I knew I had to leave. My own sanity didn't seem to mean much to me, but I saw that I was in charge of this precious little life and my A was just not responsible. I had left him in charge of our toddler while I went to work, thinking that he hadn't been drinking in months, and came home to find that he had passed out, leaving our toddler with an open window that went down nearly to the floor, on the third floor of a building. In other words it was only the grace of God that kept our toddler from falling out that window. That was what made the decision easy for me.

But Al-Anon does not advise us to leave or not to leave, unless there is a threat of violence. Everyone's situation is different. What you know is that your A is too sick to be left in charge of a child. I used a lot of babysitters in the early years, and eventually exchanged childcare with other parents.

The most valuable thing you can do, in my experience, is to start getting experience with the tools of Al-Anon - reading the threads on these boards, getting the literature, finding a good face-to-face meeting, thinking about a sponsor. There are miracles in progress here. I hope you'll keep coming back.

arlivipj · Newbie

He just told me that I'm the problem and that him being an alcoholic is not the problem. He keeps trying to fight with me about it, but I stood my ground. I told him I'm not going to argue and that he needs to quit drinking. Now I need to determine what the consequences are for him if he doesn't stop. I can't let my kids follow in his footsteps, I love them too much to do that to me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Just another thought ARLIV

We who have lived with the disease of alcoholism develop many negative coping tools so that we can survive the insanity of this disease. If we stay in the marriage or leave we still need a program of recovery so that we can redefine ourselves, our self esteem and focus. . Alanon is that program It is here that I learned to break the isolation caused by living with this disease and developed the tools to keep the focus on myself, detach with love, live one day at a time with courage, serenity and wisdom

Please check out the meetings before making a decision You are worth it.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have much to add. Mattie did a great job. Much love to you on your journey. You deserve that

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Arilvipj,

Betty is right, we get horrible coping tools. Saying "at least he doesn't <fill in the blank>", or lying for him, or ignoring violence, they are all things that I have done. I am learning very different tools now. it is definitely work, but worth it.

Go to AlAnon meetings, look around here, or go to online meetings. They have been a lifesaver for me and mine.

Peace
Kenny

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

The alcoholic will blame EVERYONE (including the mailman) but himself for his problem. My ABF's favorite excuse is that he is part Irish and part American Indian. As it that makes is ok? Anyway, I think denial is their way of avoiding the truth. Truth is scary when you are at the root cause of the problem.

The only thing you can do it help yourself. I thought I could 'fix' my ABF. Through Al-anon I realized he has to help himself. And that I have to help MYSELF. My life had become unmanageable. I was powerless over alcohol. It just made him sneak off and drink.

Here is a link to a 20 question 'quiz' that opened my eyes.

al-anon.alateen.org/affected-by-someones-drinking

Keep coming back.

((( hug )))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Arlivipj welcome to the board. Your post brings back old thoughts and feelings I had before I found Al-Anon. Your post reminds me that I also use to think I was supposed to "fix" her; my alcoholic/addict wife and I was supposed to control and guide her. I even went so far as to trying to teach her how to drink (failed) and bought her only the good drugs from known friends (failed again). The first step in helping her was in helping myself and the first step in the program reads "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable". Sound true? You can get that and more here at the MIP board and in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. To him he has "no problem"...OKAY!! now you can go get help for yourself. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.