Still trying to learn the new balance.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Still trying to learn the new balance....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to admit I don't understand what you mean by balance and your child? I don't know how old he is? I can tell you kids are SMART, at a ver early age and KNOW when things are not right. They can call 911,they can go to one of the neighbors you make sure you know are safe.

Telling a kid they are a baby or stupid or anything not positive is abuse, down right abuse. Again they KNOW it hurts an know they need help.

I am confused again. I have a feeling one may be asking for something that is not possible.

Myself I said NO. My A was not allowed to see them, I got a restraining order after ONE incident of him tossing a table, breaking things in my kids and my home, that scared us our huge Great dane and our cat to leaving to the neighbors in my nitegown and them in jammies. I will not, and did not ever ever ever allow anyone to say a mean word to my kids. I would NEVER allow anyone tell me I had to either.

so that is my experience. If someone is not loving and good to my child, they do not deserve to be around them no matter who they are.

If they want to be appropriate, kind, reasonable, they can come visit in my child and my home. period. then if they blow it, out the door and 911 is called if they won't leave.

who would use a tire off balance anyway, that is IMPOSSIBLE. hugs

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn. That is what I am struggling with that is how I feel, however where I live the court does not feel the same way. I have called CPS. They told me to use the mediator. My son came home from his visit. He is happy.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I was told I cannot tell him where the visits will take place. It is so frustrating.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry Debilyn I did not answer your question. He is three.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I did do a visit once that way that he agreed to. He started to physically intimidate and I tried to call the police and he smashed the phone.

When I finally got the police, they asked him to leave .

We had to go to mediation. He still gets his visits.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to move wherever you live if I can get a restraining order for my kid.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, I tell ya, I was ready to move away if i had to protect my babies from anything. Even the draft.

I told/reassured my son, if he was drafted, we were gone. IF your child is seriously in trouble, there are ways of being helped to move to a new life,and him being protected.

Now for him to physically intimidate you, smash your phone is threatening your life. That is how you get a restraning order.

Are you out of the usa?

Also I did not understand, "I cannot tell him where the visits will take place." Are you saying, you do not get to decide?

You of course know where your kiddo is right???

I know in other countries things can be pretty awful. I had friends in college who married guys from other countries... BIG mistake.

I was sooooo glad to see you post again! please keep coming!

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I am in Canada. It sounds a lot different there. Now I am wondering if it is our laws. Here they have a view of "the child has a right to love both parents" which I agree with however if you have a situation like this it feels like you are helpless to protect them. I can get a restraining order for me. I went to court he had supervised visits however the supervised are if they are actively using/drinking. If they prove they are not, then they move to unsupervised visits. In the eyes of the court, now he has the right to decide. So when I phoned CPS (child protective services), they told me the same thing. They just send you back to mediation. It is just frustrating because we will have an incident and I just have to keep sending him. So I bought him a cell phone. I am beginning to see why he only has to do a "surface" program. I guess through that conversation it made me realize he is clean/sober and going to "program" for looks. So no wonder in six years this is still happening. I wish I lived there.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry I read that again and I wrote that too fast so it is confusing. Too many he's. I bought my child who is three a cell phone and I have to send him on the visits with his father according to the "law" even though the other incidents took place.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex-A has been going to program for six. The first two years were good. That is when I got pregnant. Within two weeks of the pregnancy, he got violent and the relationship ended. It has been almost four years since. Hopefully that makes more sense.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you know if he's actually sober or not? Just curious. That could explain a lot.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

What a gut wrenching, suffocating situation you are in. It must seem despairing and hopeless. I am very sorry...some experiences just plan suck.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

No not really. What I do know is he relapsed last June or July because he showed up on my doorstep a few days after and told me. I am not even sure why he does that. My counsellor said to write in my new court order that "his personal life is his issues. I am not his counsellor. It is really unhealthy for me as well." I know he is sober/clean for the visit. Other than that. I try just to stay away from him unless it has to do with my son. Except the showing up on my doorstep thing.The visits are really random. He won't commit to any schedule because he works away. I do know he pays his child support. The restraining order was temporary until he completed his counseling and got unsupervised visits.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not answer your question Debilyn sorry sometimes I read too fast. I know where my son is if my ex-A is agreeable that day. If he is not, I just pray. My son is too little to really tell me much. He just sometimes repeats things after a visit that I know I didn't say or would never say to him. Like "f....g b...h" The only incident I have personally seen is my ex-A call him a "whiny B....h". When I asked him not to call him that, he went on this rant about controlling him and manipulating him and "they" tell him in the "program" how controlling you are. That is when my confusion about AA came in. I asked a few weeks ago if they were the same program. I knew in my heart they were. I just start to doubt myself. He eventually called the police on me. That part actually was not bad. They were nice. I have a month break before the next visit so usually I can get my head back on straight.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I know from the court affidavits that the AA members say he is sober. However, one of the affidavits also says that I am making up the incidents. One of them was much more diplomatic. The other not so much.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, how would anyone in AA know he is sober? My AW is sentenced to a soberlink device, she gets to blow into it 4 times a day and communicates back to the probation office and a probation officer will show up very quickly if she has alcohol on her breath. That is the only way I would say somebody could objectively be known as sober, especially is they don't live with him or have any emotional investment in how he behaves.

She is also sentenced to six AA meetings a week. Six! But they still want her to have the soberlink. so obviously they don't think the AA meetings are enough to guarantee she stays sober.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can understand your reservations towards AA. I would think that AA, like any program, is only as good as the people at the meetings. Most meetings are good, my AW has gotten tremendous help from it, but if you have a bad meeting, well, a lot of trust is put in them from both the Canada and US legal system, and that isn't always justified I would think.

Kenny

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Kenny... I don't know I wondered the same thing. I gave up wondering because I cannot change the court system.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

God I am seeing the manipulation now. I think he wants me to have a "resentment" for AA.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Something is happening though because I just got a federal notice today that they have been garnishing his wages. Maybe he is using/drinking again.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Anyway I am not going to do that... Good thoughts, good words, good deeds....

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I am ready to have an emotional break down again.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes it's one day at a time, sometimes it's one minute at a time! There is a meeting going on right now online if you want to try that - www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Kenny. I needed that. I get really fearful when it comes to my son.
He has an HP too and I cannot control the court system.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.