The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please forgive any mistakes I may make. Im not only new to this group, Im new to posting anything in a forum. I am hoping to find some support until I can get enough courage to actually attend a meeting in person. The closest one to me does not meet until next Saturday, and Im feeling so desperate right now. I know the feeling will pass, but knowing it doesnt make it happen any quicker.
My husband and I have been married for 6 ½ very long, rocky years. Second marriage for me, third for him. Together, we have 3 children, with his 13 yr old being the only one still at home. He has always had alcohol problems, but somehow managed to kick a drug habit 10 years ago. (All before we met.) I knew that he drank when we first met but it wasnt until we were married that I knew it was everyday. I was very unprepared for what was to come since I had very little experience with alcohol and no one in my family ever drinks, not even on special occasions.
Over the years, I have drank with him at times, I am so very ashamed to admit. A lot of the time he can be funny and end up falling asleep. But other times, it takes very little for him to become loud and verbally abusive. It has taken me awhile to understand that it is not possible to reason with someone whos drunk and I have a tendency to be hard headed anyway. There have been 3 times that things got out of hand and resulted in violence - on both our parts. I always ended up the worse for it since hes much stronger than I am, but I did my share of abuse. (None of our children were around at those times.)
Last week, we got into an ugly argument and his son called 911. The police came and determined that I was the aggressor. I spent the night in county jail and am waiting for the court date. That was my big wake up. I have not had a drink since, and things have been incredibly tense here. I have so much shame and guilt that Ive been on an emotional roller coaster. Just when I think Ive gotten myself in control, I have a wave of frustration or intense sadness. Last night was especially bad because he had no tolerance for my emotions and I had a really hard time controlling my anger towards him. Im angry that he isnt taking this more seriously. Im angry that he is full of compassion for me when hes sober, but it takes just that one extra sip of beer and hes a complete Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. He becomes so mean and hateful. Im angry that he has no clue that he keeps me in a constant state of confusion. Im angry that, even if he doesnt care enough for me, he takes the risk of alienating his son. It has taken me so long to understand what this lifestyle has done to me the effects on my personality. Maybe because he was so young before that he didnt realize what was truly going on, but his son is just now starting to be disrespectful and sassy. I have the feeling that my stepson and I both started out trying to make sense of it all, but are now so sick and tired that its coming out of us as anger.
I have no hope for this marriage if my husband doesnt, at the very least, begin to make some lasting changes. I know he is capable because of his success with getting clean from his drug habit years ago. When hes sober, he admits that hes out of control and has a lot of remorse for the things hes said and done the night before. But it doesnt stop him from walking in the door after work and going straight to the fridge. I guess I could consider myself lucky that he never goes out to drink. Hes always home. But I dont feel lucky or loved or appreciated or important at all. In 6 years, we have never had a family sit down meal because its more important that he get the alcohol in his system before he eats; he and I have been intimate maybe 5 times (maybe that) when hes been sober; its been a requirement of any place we went out to that it had to serve beer, even the kids places like Chuck E Cheese. Out of 6 years, I have known him to go without alcohol for a full day on only 3 occassions. Last year, I quit a fairly good paying job and took another that wasnt as fast paced because I couldnt handle the stress of the job and the stress Ive been dealing with at home too.
To people I see in everyday life, I would never let on that any of this was happening. My facebook page gives only the impression that Im a happily married woman. Having said all this here, I know I seem very bitter and I appreciate it if anyone has gotten this far into this novel Ive written. I just havent had many opportunities to vent.
First and foremost welcome and so glad you have found us. If you wrote a book .. LOL .. I have written short novels and a few long ones so please know what you have written and what is probably in your mind and heart so not a long post. :)
Even if you can't attend a meeting I would encourage you to call the local Alanon hotline in your area because having to wait until Saturday can seem like forever. You can find those online or in the yellow pages please do call .. it will help ease the stress for you. PLUS I would encourage you to listen to ANY Alanon podcasts you can, they used to have them on ITunes I have a back logged and saved ones I listen to, I know that there are other sites that have these wonderful tools to let me know I am not alone in the craziness. I remember listening to a woman talk about how she actually chased her A with a butcher knife through the kitchen and that was her wake up call that things were not ok. She didn't remember even picking it up and while there is never an excuse for violence I think most of us can relate to the urges that go with the dark fantasies of wanting to do those things.
As far as the court stuff goes try not to stress about that because you aren't going to court today and based upon past history if you have no record .. seriously speaking the courts have bigger fish. I would encourage you without question to get help for yourself immediately.
There are some good books out there the Getting Them Sober Series, Toby Rice Drews, is available for download on Amazon and is a great series. It is focused on (my) sig others emotional sobriety. It has been a God send in terms of why I do what I do and how to stay out of emotional trouble.
Keep coming back, and again welcome ..
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome to MIP. I can certainly understand your anger at the disease and the way it compels the person with it straight to the fridge, the bar, the liquor store. When I started taking the disease seriously, I knew I needed help just like you have discovered. I had had enough of running into walls and hurting myself in trying to control or cure the disease and working to be the cause of my x's desire to stop using. Al-Anon and other support systems helped me learn ways to change my thinking about the power I had over the disease and my A by humbly accepting the truth that I had no power over it or him. The ways I was trying to cope with the disease had made my life unmanageable. By attending Al-Anon meetings, applying what I learned, and having the support of the fellowship, I was able to stop hurting myself by demanding things be the way I wanted them to be and start healing myself by changing what I could by working the Steps and applying the Al-Anon slogans and principles to my life. My compulsion to try to stop the A and the madness changed day by day when I reclaimed my right to focus on myself and my needs and wants and left the As in my life in their HP's hands.
Keep coming back. You've made a wise choice in accepting your need for help and doing something about it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 23rd of March 2014 08:44:22 AM
Dear Natalie, I am glad that you found Miracles in Progress and had the courage and honesty to share from your heart. This is how we heal, learn and grow. We who live with the problem of alcoholism understand as few others can. I can readily identify with drinking with my partner and trying to keep peace. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. In our attempt to control it or understand it we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it . I too lost myself, ignored my needs because I put the focus on the insanity of alcoholism and tried to fix it. It was not until I found Al-Anon determined to learn a new and better way that I was able to grow and thrive. I'm glad you have checked out the local face-to-face meetings and would like to offer the option of our online meetings are held here each day.
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
I'm so glad you have found us. I echo what others have said. Your own health and recovery are all-important. I hope maybe you can introduce your stepson to Alateen too.
I spent years waiting for my A to get into recovery. I thought all would be better when that finally happened. He never did get into recovery, but the worst thing was that I put my own recovery on hold waiting for him to get started. If I had it to do over again, I'd start my own recovery right away.
You say that your A got clean from drugs, but I'm afraid he really didn't. He just transferred the addiction to a new substance (alcohol). That's very common among addicts. They move around amongst the addictions.
But the chaos can end - your own recovery is within your grasp. Glad you're here. Hope you'll keep coming back.
Thank you all for your responses. My husband slept most of the day (which is typical of our weekends) so I've spent the morning listening to several podcasts I've found and can already see how this will be beneficial to me and everyone else, including my husband. I can't express enough how grateful I am for the opportunity to be honest and stop pretending my life is something it isn't. Just by posting this first time I feel a burden lifted because I have felt so much shame for so long. Here I know I can get what I've been needing, without judgment.
My husband has again woke up with remorse and happily volunteered to get us all something for lunch. He's out doing that now so I have the chance to post. I honestly don't know if I should tell him I've joined here and intend to go to a meeting this week or not. I'm not sure how he will react. He has promised to take steps to change. I guess over the next few days of learning more through this group and the Al Anon meetings and podcast I will know how to respond to this. At the moment, I am being very cautious because my first instinct is to be angry and "kick" him when he's down. I hate to admit, but I sometimes want him to feel just as much if not more hurt that he's caused me and his son. I'm trying very hard to control my tone of voice and my actions so I don't lash out at him with hurtful ugly words.
Welcome. Al anon has changed my life. I found the courage to leave my AH because of al anon,my sponsor and my higher power God. Please know you are not alone. Meetings will help you. They are magical even if you just sit and listen. HP is always with you. "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is a good book on how to deal with alcoholism. She has 4 volumes. Easy reading. Al anon literature is great too. Journaling helps me. So does the serenity prayer.
