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So I've been getting serious with a very cool girl who is the love of my life and is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober a little over a year and I have only known her during this time. I would like to learn the best ways to support her because I want to be there for her in all walks of life; however, I frankly do not know the best ways to do. On a few occasions, I have briefly referenced alcoholic things such as referring to a character in a tv show as an alcoholic which deeply hurt her. Also I drink moderately around her which she at times she said does not bother her but at other times referenced how it is too much in her face. I am wondering if anyone can offer some insight into the best ways that I can show my support for her. Thank you in advance for any and all help that may be provided.
If it doesn't matter to you, then don't drink (or seriously tone it down). I am a recovering alcoholic. I tell my partner I don't care if he has a drink or two but any more than that bothers me. I recognize I have no right to tell him what to do, but honestly, that's all I can handle. As far as calling other people "alcoholic" - that doesn't hurt me. I'm not sure the context you are referring to. For example, if I am talking about the show "house" with someone, I can clearly say he is a pill head addict...cuz it's obvious. I mean that's part of his character and the show. I would think it would be more disturbing to her if you didn't notice.
The best way to support is just to have as many honest talks as you can. Ask....and she should do the same. If she wants to have a grown up relationship now that she's sober a year, she should be just as concerned about supporting you. Also, she will have more growing to do at just 1 year sober. All of years 2 and 3 were about getting more emotional maturity and stability for me. Hopefully, you can not interrupt that process for her and recognize she's still a work in progress. Don't support ways that she might still be sick (if you see crazy mood swings, neediness - that could all be residue that she still needs to work on). Keep your own boundaries. It would not hurt to actually attend alanon.
Good morning. To piggyback onto PC's last sentence - attending Al-Anon meetings would actually help you keep your own boundaries and support her in ways that are healthy and not enabling. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. Our loved ones working a program get a daily reprieve from the compulsion. By working our own program, we get a daily reprieve from the effects of it. There is no cure for the disease but there is a program that helps us own our own stuff and stay out of our loved ones' business when it comes to their recovery program. I highly recommend the program for anyone in a relationship to a person in or out of recovery. Keep coming back here, too.
In addition to Pink Chips invaluable message I would add that the best support you can give to your partner would be to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meeting and attend. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who share our lives with someone who has this disease must realize that we are powerless over it. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. If love was enough there would be no alcoholics.
Al-Anon provided me with the extra tools that I needed in order to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, trusting a higher power and taking care of myself. This worked and I am truly grateful. Keep coming back
