The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I should have a happy smiley linked to the title but right now I'm just crying.
I have been so enmeshed in a very sick relationship that I have been unable to get out of in spite of about 3 years of trying to leave. I was sick when I got into this relationship in the beginning, about a decade ago. I feel that I am changing and I'm less willing to put up with, or gloss over unacceptable behaviour. There have been several great posts on this board in the past few days concerning emotional abuse. I think I am finally ready to let it all go, and to walk away. A relationship between two people claiming to be 'in love' really should not be riddled with arguments, tension, blame-shifting, and cleverly-disguised accusations. I feel like I can see through the gaslighting now.
What am I going to do differently this time? Well I'm not going to engage in the good or fun things any more on the surface, because those always dragged me back in. I'm human and I like it when I get along with people. Camaraderie. Sharing. Exchanging pleasant thoughts and ideas. But this is just a weak band-aid because the entire foundation is rotten to the core. So the good stuff will have to wash away.
It's terrifying to think of being out at sea 'alone'. I don't like the word 'lonely' for reasons I don't need to go into here. But to be completely on my own (I already support myself financially so that's not a problem), without anybody (pretending to be) in my corner is a terrifying thought. I am sure it can be done and I can learn new habits, ones that'll hopefully be in line with my true self rather than the half-person I have been in this relationship.
Are there any healthy people out there? Is there any hope? At this point I feel like I'm done with all 'special' relationships and have zero faith that I can have a successful one, ever. I don't want another one, frankly, because this last one has been so bad. The whole time!! And it took me how long to get out?!
You are not in a position to see a healthy one developing in the context of a current break up. 1 day at a time. Work on yourself and good things will happen. If your HP means for it to be a relationship, that will happen too. I feel for you. I used to pick a bad relationship over no relationship. In reality, there are some fun things about being single.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 22nd of March 2014 02:44:54 PM
Thanks PC. It makes sense to focus on working on myself. I know I have ALWAYS picked a bad relationship over no relationship. I have HP this time though. I didn't before.
I'm single. I've been on my own for 35 years. It's just like our program. It's a one day at a time work. I grew the most when I chose to keep my focus on raising my children, volunteering, and doing a work I loved to do. There have been few times that I have felt lonely without an SO. My life has been so full of doing what I love to do that a partner just didn't seem necessary. If that changes for me, it will be an HP'd kind of thing. I know I will not be drawn to another badly damaged human being because I'm not. I'm not perfect and I am so much healthier than I was 35 years ago. You are working on you, too, and if you don't get involved right away in another relationship, perhaps you will really surprise yourself in ways that delight you being a woman standing in her own light?
I can see my future that way, Grateful2be. I just feel so wretched right now. I want to skip the pain part.
But skipping the pain part in the past is what got me into this mess. So here's to pain, I guess. It's an improvement this time to actually feel it instead of numbing it.
Ive been single a while now and I am actually quite content, there are times I think it would be nice to share certain moments with someone but on the whole my recovery takes up my spare time really and with my work and my social life I dont want to make time for a man. Im just getting to know me, the real me and I want to keep on that road, I think a relationship would be a distraction and I would begin working on getting to know another person. I owe myself the time I need on my own, also, the longer Im single the more I like it, I feel as free as a bird at times, its great.x
I learned the more I filled my days with things I wanted to do and people I wanted to know, the pain left me one day at a time. I didn't bury it or repress it. I just noticed that I always felt better when I listened to that still small voice that said "do this" and I did it. (((CTF))) The pain will pass and in its place will remain a woman who is happy by herself or with a partner.
I'm sorry you're crying (((ClearTheFog))) I think it's really bittersweet because what's really happening is you're growing. The price of growing can be letting go of people places and things we've outgrown. But really what's the alternative... stay small? Be a doormat? Too late for that, you've found out how much you're worth :) I had to stay out of a relationship for a few years and cultivate some friendships. Those friendships helped me to establish boundaries with people, to let go of people who treated me like a convenience and with other disrespectful behaviors. It isn't that I attracted them so much as that I invited them to stay in my life. Recovery helped me to find safer people which began with my sponsor and others in the program. I take things slowly with every new person I meet now even after many years of being in the program. I'm not afraid to get involved but I need time to know whether I want to be involved and that takes getting to know a new person slowly and having personal boundaries concerning myself physically, emotionally and my time which also has value. I tried to do more in person Alanon service and volunteered in my community a bit. It was surprising to learn I wasn't the only one feeling a bit lonely when I gave my time to others that way. It also offered me a chance to build a better relationship with my hp and learn new things about myself that I would've likely never found out if I'd stayed in an unhealthy relationship. It gets tiring being in a push pull game of wills on a daily basis and to me that's just a big time suck. I hope you choose to keep recovering with us. You're a great investment. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you, TT. Something you said resonates. I had a mini epiphany this afternoon, that I may finally have outgrown this relationship. That sounds so corny, but I feel like I have changed and he hasn't. All his old tricks aren't working and he is unable to see how to progress in himself, as far as I can see. It's ok. It's just not working. The push and pull game of wills on a daily basis, as you said, is very much a time and energy suck.
CTF, sounds like you are moving in a healthy direction. One thing I came to discover in a unhealthy relationship that lacked true substance was... If I'm going to be alone... I'd rather do it alone. Of course, being the domesticated kind of guy I am, I didn't stay single very long, but I don't feel alone in this relationship as I did in the past one. I also discovered that with my HP, I might have a feeling of lonely, but I am never alone. HP is always there, wanting to listen to me, and spend time with me... 24/7.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Interesting topic and I love the ESH because it completely reminds me that I need to focus on ME and make sure that I'm in a good place. Until I get healthy I will continue to attract what I have already gotten and I've gone from a one headed dragon to a two and personally would prefer to stay away from a three headed one. The kids and I have already been through enough and I'm finally winding up one relationship after two years of trying to detangle. Any relationship I go into there is going to be this relationship to deal with .. it just is what it is when children are involved. I just don't know if I would know how to react to a healthy person at this point and time. There is no need to hurry anything though and I'm ok with that big time.
John's post about his HP and the difference between feeling lonely knowing that I'm never truly alone. I like that comfort of living my life and knowing whatever HP's plans are they are always better than what I think I have planned for me. I have heard more people talk about feeling alone and my instant reaction is well .. we never really are alone and there is a difference. Until I can get right in my own space I really don't need or want to bring someone else into the mix .. it won't be a good fit.
CTF, keep coming back and keep a strong support group going for you during this time .. it's what made the difference in the last two years for me. It's not to say I don't have down days .. the down days are not as long as they used to be.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am ok with the 'lonely' thing. I didn't have the mental energy to get into it yesterday in my original post, but I'm 100% ok with being 'alone' for long periods of time - I'm a bit of a loner and come from a long line of them . But when people these days lament being 'lonely', it hardly ever means they're marooned on a tropical island somewhere, or the South Pole, without a soul to talk to. It usually means they miss someone terribly, they're scared about something, or they just want to be around people. Those are perfectly good and manageable emotions/states. But the word lonely, thanks probably to about 100 years of pop music, tends to scare and depress people when they feel it, when really it's pretty manageable, IMO. So I'm really ok with all of that.
This morning, however, I have woken up in the 'bargaining' stage. I've got a bad case of the "if only"s, and am thinking I can have my cake and eat it too if I only were this, that or the other thing. Or even worse... "If only I were further along in my codependency recovery, our relationship could work". So I'm praying for that particular insanity to pass.
This relationship was not about me being left alone but rather the opposite, but I don't want to go into it too much in public out of respect for the other person.
I need to remember that when I'm bargaining my if-only's, that I'm not dealing with a stable person to begin with, and I'm not his HP. I have been out of touch with what I would consider reasonable behavior in others for a long time. I would like to be around some reasonable behavior again. I know it's up to ME to feel calm and serene, even amid chaos and drama, but it's exhausting to keep trying.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 23rd of March 2014 10:08:11 AM
CTF- I can totally relate to your post and what you're experiencing. You have great awareness and this will serve as a solid foundation to bring you to a better place. I have come to learn that the exhaustion was from me not being centered, the loneliness was from me isolating and also expecting something from my A who was unable to give. I kept waiting and hoping something good would happen to bring me out of my misery and so that I did not take responsibility for myself. I rationalized my difficulty in making a decision off of the fence.
The thought of leaving was overwhelming, but it was overwhelming to stay as well. I rationalized and waited so long that life intervened with new and larger obstacles, until I could not outrun or out-dodge them. I found out that letting go does not automatically mean that it's the last hurrah. One of the many great things about Alanon, is that I can start keeping the focus on me and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.
Thanks, Bud. I definitely relate to the exhaustion of not being centered. This is something I really want to work on, or eliminate as much as possible.
I am definitely not lonely though! I love being alone, and do not feel scared or unloved when all by myself. I just currently do not believe there are any healthy people out there! And it doesn't matter because I am happy to think I will be single or not in a relationship ever again. Totally fine with that. I crave solitude. That is not one of my problems any more, thank HP.
It was a roller coaster weekend for me and I can't say that sitting around weeping, wailing and gnashing my teeth really got me anywhere! Although I guess it was a good release to finally be able to cry (that's difficult for me to do, too).
You are so right, Bud, about taking responsibility for myself. That is key. Thanks!
. But when people these days lament being 'lonely', it hardly ever means they're marooned on a tropical island somewhere, or the South Pole, without a soul to talk to. It usually means they miss someone terribly, they're scared about something, or they just want to be around people. Those are perfectly good and manageable emotions/states. But the word lonely, thanks probably to about 100 years of pop music, tends to scare and depress people when they feel it, when really it's pretty manageable, IMO. So I'm really ok with all of that.