New Here and Need Help - Al-Anon Family Group

Jkphotogal · Newbie

New Here and Need Help

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I just have a few minutes but I know others will give you some great responses. The truth is your husband cannot be trusted to care for your girls or provide a safe environment for them when you are not there. Houses burn down as a result of poor judgments made by people under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I know this is hard to acknowledge, but for the safety and well being of your daughters, something has to change. Good luck....we are here for you 24/7.

sadsusie · Senior Member

((JKphotogal))

Welcome to the MIP boards. When I read your post I thought of a a phrase someone shared at an Alanon meeting. "Expectations are premeditated resentments" I know that when I have something important to do..like go to work...and my husband took the car in the evening...I go RENT A CAR. I do this because for my peace of mind I KNOW that I will have a car to drive to work in the morning. I no longer treat my AH as a responsible person or a partner. If something needs to get done then I do it. I decide to do it for ME and for my peace of mind. Does that build some resentment..I try to stay in the program and prevent that, but yes sometimes it does. But my day isn't ruined because I can't make it to work on time. His promises are empty.

Please consider what is truly on the line when your AH drops the ball? Would you allow him to babysit your niece or nephew?

Many blessings, glad you found us.

-- Edited by sadsusie on Friday 21st of March 2014 05:07:13 PM

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome! So glad you are here sharing with us!!

My husband would still be drinking today had I not laid down the boundary of NO more alcohol in this home and if you have been drinking, do NOT come home...

I get your situation is a bit different with having to work out of town, I feel as Paula did on here....maybe arrangements for the girls while you are gone...I am glad that they are 12 & 15, yes it is still terrible but they can take care of themselves but shouldn't have to...

My husband said those boundaries were some of the best ones for him! Because if we don't change what we are doing.....they never have to change what they are doing......

Keep coming back and Big hugs & prayers to you!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome to MIP. If the girls are crying when he's drunk and calling you, it sounds to me as if they are not ready to take care of themselves. I, too, agree with Paula and Mimi that other arrangements can be made when you're out of town for the girls. His disease will never see the damage it is doing and it will never agree that its as big a deal as you or even the girls see it to be. It is okay to trust your instincts and distrust the disease as it tries to convince you that the girls are old enough to take care of themselves.

jillybean1 · Senior Member

My kids (ages 12 and 17 ) were interviewed by Child Protective Services, when they got involved because of AH behavior. The first question the social worker asked was.....does your Dad drive you in the car-----the answer was NO because I could not trust him and the kids knew they were NOT to have Dad drive them at all.

The kids knew to call a neighbor or Grandma or Uncle to drive them anywhere if I was not home. (which was not too much given his condition) Boy was he mad because of this boundary but ------Oh well.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome.

It is very dangerous situations when kids are left with an A, any A. Would you leave them with a drunk babysitter? I know you wouldn't. Just because it is their father does not make it any different. It has to be very hard for you to face that as you are doing.

No one is safe with a drunk, no one I don't care how old they are. It is a horrible disease only thinking of itself. It tore my heart out when I read they call you crying. You do know if someone called and reported him for something done drunk they would be taking out of the home? This kind of thing can scar them for life.

I keep wanting to share things but I know you know, the answers you seek. For me my kids were the priority and I never regretted raising them with the A out of our lives.

I support what you are saying and deciding completely. It is easy to see you are a very wise Mother and you are listening to those kids.

Many mothers and fathers in this type situation do arrange the kids have somewhere else to stay or even take them and homeschool them.

No matter what you decide, please feel welcome here to keep sharing. hugz, debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of March 2014 11:17:11 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jayme

My AW got her second DUI while I was traveling on business. She got arrested on the way to school to pick up my son and a friend, She had been active before I left, but I didn't realize how active, and that she actually would get into a car. My son called me my first night out saying he thought mom was drunk. I could tell she was, but she binges at home and normally the next morning she is OK.

The next morning she wasn't. So I got a neighbor to drive 13 yo son to school. But I couldn't make her not get in the car later in the morning. I finallt hit my rock bottom in understanding I couldn't control her actions, anymore than she could at that point.

I got a call from the school principal telling me what had happened. If the officer would have been there about 30 seconds later my son would have been in the car, and she would have been arrested for not only DUI, but reckless endangerment as well. I am surprised to this day that I didn't get a call from CPS.

I couldn't leave my assignment, so I had to stay and sit tightover a weekend and work for 2 more days until I got home, while she would be able to call every once in a while and tell me how horrible it was. Detoxing in a county jail is NOT like detoxing at Betty Ford.

If I had it to do over again, I would have taken the reality of step 1 into consideration and arranged for rides in advance for son. I will never even take the chance that that could happen again. I will have amends to work with my family on this soon.

Peace
Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((JK))))...your alcoholic's greatest priority is drinking before anything else. Alcohol owns and controls him and not the other way around. He knows it owns him and he has given into it. Part of the definition of alcoholism is "compulsion of the mind..." the compulsion runs 24/7 and even if he is not actively drinking it the compulsion to drink is still running. "Alcoholism can never be cured...it will only be arrested by total abstinence". The alcoholic isn't responsible for anything other than alcoholic drinking and your daughter's cries for help are evidence of it. Is there somewhere else that they can be when he is showing even the smallest signs of drinking? Is there someone else they can call to go be safe with. I doesn't sound like he would care about it and maybe would welcome it so he would not have to deal with interruption with his drinking. Get them; your daughters information on the disease and you can get that at open face to face meetings and next get them the safe alternative other than home. Might also start thinking and visualizing an "Alcohol free home" for yourself and the family. If you would not allow me to come to and enter your home with alcohol and to drink until I was harmful, why anyone else? Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Jkphotogal · Newbie

Thanks for listening and the words of wisdom.... I'm scared to death about the conversation I'm going to have to have with AH later today, but I know for the safety of my girls, it's something I need to do. I know he's going to continue to deny, saying I'm completely insane and blowing this all out of proportion.

Hoping I can hold myself together. blankstare

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Wishing you great peace and strength when you address this later. At times when such talks are necessary, I get so nervous I feel like I'm going to screw it all up and say mean things that I really just don't mean. So it has helped me to try to tune in to my HP beforehand and ask for the strength to do it in the most loving, calm way possible. Even if the other person is apt to fly off the handle (and I don't mean physical abuse - I don't think I'd put myself in that position at all).

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

An Alanon saying: "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." You're not alone. It doesn't matter what his disease says, you know the truth and that will set you free from allowing the cunning, baffling and powerful lies the disease spews to deter you from what you know you need to do. You are acting in love for your daughters and for yourself and love never fails. Keep coming back, sister.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 22nd of March 2014 09:47:05 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Your HP is already with you, do this together in whatever manner you can...if you can't hold it together it is ok. You will have many chances to practice. When I have to do something difficult, I spend time in prayer for protection. Chances are, he will come at you with the uglies.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs jk!

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to Miracles In Progress! You are in the right place, with the right people. What I can only suggest, based on my own experience is that any boundaries you place on an alcoholic, better anticipate they will be violated. Alcoholics can rarely respect themselves, and even rarer is their respect for others capable of having any longevity. The boundaries you put in place, place them on yourself. "My children deserve to be provided with a safe haven when I am not home and I will provide it to them in some form, fashion or manner. They will no longer be left by me in the care or lack there of, of a active alcoholic". Then move towards honoring your own boundary as though it was a code of ethics you are going to live by from this day forward. This will take a lot of upset, disappointment, insecurity and fear off of your plate instantaneously. For you are honoring yourself and as a by product, honoring your children.

And you are starting to move towards stopping the cycle of expecting normal, mature, responsible behavior from an abnormal, immature, irresponsible alcoholic. In learning how to do these things, and your young daughters seeing the example you set, will help them learn how to practice self care and honor themselves as well, as they reach adulthood. No greater gift will they be given in life than seeing their mothers love demonstrated by respecting herself and honoring them.

John

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.