The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I broke down last night and told AB that while I'm not SUPPOSED TO care, it gets old coming home to his bloodshot half open eyes every night after work. I get tired of always having to be the bad guy. It gets exhausting telling myself over and over "It's none of my business, its out of my control, don't let it bother you." When it does bother me. I do take time to do things for myself. I take baths, I work out, i treat myself to coffee every once in a while, but hes still always on my mind. And if you don't mind, I'll just say my number one frustration...how are you not supposed to care about the consequences of someone you're supposed to be in a relationship with's actions? (we are expecting our first baby in a month) So naturally the things he does worries me because I'm supposed to be starting and building a future with him.
And lastly, please allow me to say this...he is a GREAT guy. He is. Anytime he sees me this upset he promises to stop (even though i know better) but he hates seeing me so upset. He never yells, has never started a fight with me just for an excuse to go drink...he is a wonderful man who would give anyone the shirt off his back if they asked him for it. I think that's what hurts most about this whole thing. Hes wonderful and the disease is a troll on his back. If wishing it away was possible it would be gone by now.
Thank you, THANK YOU for reading. I'm grateful i found this message board and knowing at least now I have SOMEWHERE to turn to when I need some support other than feeling isolated and alone. Thank you guys.
Dear Akavanagh I do understand and can aassure you that I have found living with the disease of alcoholism is almost impossible without the constant support of alanon and the fellowship.
I think we can all see the fantastic potential of the alcoholic and wait and pray for that potential to shine through and be realized. While we can still do this we also need to focus on our own potential, dreams and needs.
Alanon gave me the tools to detach, with love from my alcoholic husband and then again my alcoholic son . Living one day at a time, trusting HP and attending meetings, working the steps and treating everyone with courtesy and kindness helped me to grow and thrive even in this difficult situation.
Yes, thank you! It's like, I can see the wonderful great FUN person you are when you are sober, why cant you? Why don't you see the potential I see and want to live to it?? these questions keep me up at night.
The most important idea to accept is that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. All the trying to fix or worrying can not change a disease.
Taking the focus off the alcoholic and placing it on ourselves helps us to act in our lives and improve what we can.
Betty has said what we all would say. I want to emphasize, it is a PROGRESSIVE FATAL disease and you cannot impact his decision to heal from it. He will make promises, that is part of the disease. He cannot see what you see in him and will not without his recovery. You, however, will understand all of this through your recovery from your addiction, which is co-dependency. And there is no judgment of any of these addictions, it is what is and we take the next best step for our life. Through your recovery, you can choose from an empowered place how you want to continue in your relationship. Your little one on the way deserves a healthy mama. Step into al anon and grab the life preserver. Congratulations on the new life (your baby and recovery)
Sis you're talking about two separate people...your alcoholic and your husband...He knows what you know...he knows and knows that he knows that he has a huge problem with alcohol...it owns him and it is owning you and he is permitting that to happen because alcohol is making his choices. Since he knows and knows that he knows you are justified in changing what it is that is making you insane...sick. When I found out that I knew and then knew that I knew I took responsibility for two things...self victimization and changing that. There is no written law, no act of congress and no message from God that you are supposed to be a victim of something you don't have to be the victim of. These are my kind words. I know how your shoes fit...I know what that path is like...I took off the shoes and I changed the path or suffer the displeasure of my creator father...my higher power...I came to understand that while the addiction took my wife into displeasing, thoughts, feelings, spirit and actions that is what my addiction did also. Alcoholism trumps all other characters...there are no justifications for intentionally living that way. Yes she was sick and yes also she knew that and knew that she knew and yes also she knew where to get help. (((((hugs)))))
I write thoughtlessly sometimes...I want to correct what I said. He can see what you see, he chooses not to. As Jerry indicated, both of you know the devastation this disease is causing and it is a choice to stay in the victim space. That was a hard hard truth for me to accept when my husband was using drugs and alcohol, yet it was so true. And I raised 4 children in that sick mess. Your HP led you to this forum and it was a gift; receive it, cherish it.
I know that the decision would be so easy if we hated our alcoholics......there is no way that I would allow myself to be treated like I was by my AH......unless I loved the REAL him and remember what he is REALLY like (before alcohol took him over).
There are so many other variables involved---emotional, financial, physical, etc etc. that we can't just look through the alcoholics, they are there and have to be dealt with. I am working on learning patience and doing what I need to do to be sane in my (sort of ) insane corner of the planet.
I am listening at my f2f meetings and I kept going when the said to try at least 6 meeting. Then they said not to make any life changing decisions for 6 months of steady meetings. Well, my 6 month is up in April and my AH is in rehab and going into extended care. I can't stop ---- I have to keep in my recovery too. I have hope for not only him but me and the kids---that we can all carry on in our own ways.
Do little things for yourself--- you deserve it, but change to Decaf now because you will need all the sleep you can get!!!!
Congratulations on the new baby, there is no better hope than a new life!!!!!
__________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
It's really awful knowing that they are a great person. My AW is a great person that self-medicated herself into binging vodka, ending with 2 DUIs and now involved in the legal system. She is now 4 months in recovery because of that last bottom, and she has turned back into her old self in many ways. In the ways that are most important. And in fact, she has come out the other side better in many ways.
But getting here there... I couldn't get her there. All my pleading, cajoling, bribing, manipulating could not and would not do it. She had to hit her own bottom. Thank HP no one was injured or killed in DUI. And I had no control over the timing or anything, it just happened when it happened or perhaps was willed by HP.
All I could do during this time was take care of myself. And that is still all I can do.
Addiction is a horrible thing. It turns all our notions of decency and good upside down. Normally you would want to help your SO do things, be charitable to them, clean them up after they vomit etc. But once addiction has set in, those actions are now enabling. That is part of Step 1, the admission that we are powerless, and that we have to now let them hit their bottom and we cannot save them. it is a horrible shame, and that is why Step 1 is so hard.
A) I get tired of always having to be the bad guy. .how are you not supposed to care about the consequences of someone you're supposed to be in a relationship with's actions? (we are expecting our first baby in a month) So naturally the things he does worries me because I'm supposed to be starting and building a future with him.
B)...he is a wonderful man who would give anyone the shirt off his back if they asked him for it.
i re-edited your pots a bit, so the double personality gets a bit clearerplease don't mind.
A is the alcoholic. B is your husband, our loved ones..
if B would be in power of actions and choices, he would give you the shirt off his back. The tragic reality is, he is alcoholic, and therefore lacks doing what would be loving and caring for you as a mother to be. You need your support more right now, you are about to deliver, you are going through huge changes in body and mind in this pregnancy, and he is failing to show up. Their real personality seem to become shadows of what could be. If they had an awakening, if they realized, if they hit rock bottom. I was waiting, hoping, asking, begging for a long time, taking on the role of the bad guy, many times, when it should not be my role. I took it, it was my choice.
So you cannot change what's going on with him. At some point along the way we have to step out of denial, and separate those two personalities. Fact is, as long as he is not actively DOING something for his recovery, chances are small he will change.
You can change, You can refuse to take on that role. And maybe it is a possibility, that it is convenient for him to take on theta bad guy role. so he doesn't have to take parts of it. Try to refuse to take it. learn to be your own beautiful self.rejoice life and the new life that is growing. Don't miss out on that important chapter in your life as a woman, as a mother. It is difficult for sure if the father is missing out. I wasn't capable of going that way, to be honest. yes, all alcoholics are humans, and we love them. but some dynamics go wrong along the wayand if you look longer and closer, we realize, it is ALWAYS ALL about them. But you are a beautiful human being too, and deserve a place in this world..we tend to disappear next to a alcoholic. Don't go that way, your child will need you. and if he doesn't support you, well make it clear though that you don't fail your child. He can take care of himself, the little one cannot.
if they wouldn't have those loving parts beneath it all, we would just simply walk away, wouldn't we. It's not that simple though, and it's a fight. if you have some bad parts in this, then it is party also because he makes you feel like that. Stop excusing him. i know exactly how that sounds, for it did and still sometimes do the same with my ex A.'but he is a good person'..yes somewhere down there they are, wereand usually they still are with friends and not so close relationships. with a close partner they are usually not that nice on a long run, are they. for the disease is progressingit doesn't care. So, or he really chooses to man up and change and gets to see life with you and the baby. or he doesn't. Important is, that you get to feel safe good, happy.for one of the biggest gifts of womanhood is happening to you.
I wish you awareness and growth and love and serenity.
