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Hello all. Here are my thoughts on recovery.....I had to re-read all my books yesterday after talking to AH in rehab.....he is soon to be released and they have given him aftercare treatment options. I don't know what he will choose as I left it to him when he asked me what I wanted. (Well, I did tell him that me and the kids need more recovery time and that meant he should live elsewhere while he figured out his sober ???? life.)
Anyways I found this helpful passage in the book Under the Influence "Once the alcoholic understands his disease and what it takes to stay sober, however, a moral obligation does enter the picture. Now he knows: If he follows the sobriety maintenance program, he will stay sober, if he willfully or carelessly deviates from the program, he will drink again and inflict the illness on himself and others. He has a clear choice now, and he should feel the moral imperative to make the right choice. If he relapses after undergoing truly effective treatment, he cannot be absolved of responsibility....."
I think this really helped me because I now understand that this is HIS responsibility. He has the knowledge to do what is right---he must now choose.
I know that I cannot live with an active alcoholic----It just boils down to that basic formula.
Now to see what will happen.
I hope you all have a great day!!
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
((JB)) It is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease! Recovery is certainly a process and your post is a great reminder to sort what is and is not on our own side of the street and to keep the focus on ourselves. What I want becomes more clear when I am clear about boundaries and my own choices.
Let's say you had to guard a vat of acid. Your supervisor tells you that the acid will eat your hand off if you put your hand in it. You go along guarding the vat, than one day you think "well, how do I know this vat of acid would really eat my hand off?" You would really like to do something else, since guarding a vat of acid is essentially a boring occupation, but you feel it your moral imperative to guard the acid, so nobody else falls in it. But now you are starting to question it. is it really that strong? Has it changed since the last time my supervisor told me, perhaps weakened due to humidity or other conditions? It maybe wouldn't eat anybody if they fell in, so why am I guarding this stupid thing?
The questions gnaws after awhile.
So eventually you stick your hand in. And it eats your hand.
Sometimes I would think As don't know that they really can't handle that drink, especially when first in recovery. So recovery can be rocky, as you now have first-hand experience. My AW relapsed within a couple months of coming home from inpatient. She has had her hand eaten off in the form of one year with no license and two years probation on a 4-test-a-day soberlink device. NOW she is convinced the acid does not weaken, and even if it does, she can't afford to try it. She is dedicated to her recovery.
Wanted to make sure I'm not excusing anybody from their moral imperative. I agree that it is exactly what it is, and this is a good way to look at it. I just had the thought while I was reading it about why people would relapse. I'm sure those reasons are as many and varied as the reasons they pick up the bottle in the first place, but this was just a thought about one of them.
It hard to understand an addiction when you , yourself don't have one----although I am borderline with Facebook. I surely don't want a disease inflicted upon me----and I will do what I can to make sure that doesn't happen to me and the kids. I guess my AH finally understands the moral imperative I made him realize-----that I will not take the behavior and drinking anymore. I still care about him, I don't want to divorce him, I want him to get better (even if it's just for his own sake) because I love him.
I just heard a bit ago that he has chosen extended care and I am hoping and praying that he gets well because I will support and encourage him to do that.
I feel that I am coming along in my recovery because I am FINALLY not waffling ----sticking to my guns and not giving in to the quiet whisperings of the disease.
Thanks for your great responses. I am grateful!!!
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
I come from the thought process of after recovery and they do know better because they know differently .. that first drink is a choice made for whatever reason and how it is made it is a choice .. after the first drink the disease is large and in charge. It is WHY boundaries are so important, and it's ok to love the addict however .. loving them and disliking the behavior .. I can love someone and still not like how they treat me. I'm not going to give in or up on ME. He can drink if he wants/needs to .. however .. the reality is .. those are his choices with their own set of consequences .. I don't have to suffer those consequences .. I have my own to deal with. I'm strictly speaking about the A in my life.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
