He's mad again - Al-Anon Family Group

chadg · Member

He's mad again

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Choice chadg

It took a while for me but my son finally realized I was not going to participate in his arguments or problems anymore. I set my boundaries and let go.

My signature below I had to say every single day for a while.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In my view it's the responsibility of the person who's mad to say what they're distressed about. Otherwise it's all co-dependency and manipulation and the expectation of mind-reading.

But I've noticed that a common kind of dysfunction is the thing about "You didn't do X and therefore you're to blame" -- and there's always an X, and there's always blame. Like "I'm victimized by your not doing this thing which I've set you up for. So things are your fault. I am powerless over your incompetence and evil! It's all your fault!"

I think a powerful part of Al-Anon is learning to see our own part in things, which means stopping the cycle of looking around for who to blame. When I got to this point, it really came home to me how much my A was in the blame game. Noticing who's responsible for what is not the same as taking a position of powerlessness and blame. The latter was what he was doing.

Keep on taking good care of yourself.

karma13 · Senior Member

I saw in your other thread you plan on staying. I'm a proud member of alanon and have been addicted to mind altering mood changing men since I was a teen. I wanted to get off the crazy train after 24 years of various alcoholics or dry drunks some of which I was married to.In my my case it didn't mean me leaving my current husband or him leaving. It meant me changing myself. I'm still with my husband he's dry, I stayed, not everyone would have made that decision. I also learned I have a choice in the way I let others affect me. Some days I still choose to let him affect me, but with my alanon families support and altering my own attitudes and thoughts I have made great progress. There is a great reading in Hope for today page 9 on this very subject. I did it all through the love and support of the program and the Angels of the program. I do daily readings on the phone, attend face to face meetings, do daily readings by myself, pray and meditate to connect with God. I found my first taste of serenity and loved it, but there are still some days I lose my serenity and allow others behavior to affect me. The program will never offer perfection only progress. I'm happy and most of the time I'm serene and one of the benefits I've enjoyed from me working my program is my husband changed when I changed and he has never been to a meeting. Blessings :) Keep coming back it works if you work it and your worth it sugar :)

-- Edited by karma13 on Wednesday 19th of March 2014 04:28:38 PM

chadg · Member

Thank you everyone....I am so thankful that I found this board! I really need the support right now, I am trying.

I am also dealing with, why after all this time (in the past few months) just now I am realizing a lot of the behaviors and games are attributed to the lunacy of alcoholism.

We have been together for 17 years, and in those years there were periods when he stopped drinking, but it has always been the lunacy. I guess by looking more into and trying to get more educated on the whole subject has me realizing how much alcohol affects the whole relationship.

I am trying to now distance myself from the chaos. Normally, I would be texting or calling him to find out why he was mad. But, it's not my problem why he just wakes up in the morning and decides to be mad about who knows what. I have been working extra hard on trying not to engage with the arguing with him. I need to really realize nothing I say or do is going to stop the drinking. I only can stop WHAT I am doing. And I am trying.

I feel especially vulnerable the last few days, maybe because FINALLY the realization of everything is starting to hit me. I don't know. I finally after all this time made an appointment with an addiction counseler and I am trying to work on myself. Like I said I just don't understand how after all this time its all becoming clear. I always knew he had a drinking problem, but never realized the blame, games, nastiness, name-calling, saying vile things were a symptom or result (not sure which) of the alcohol.

Thanks again for listening and all the support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

wow good for you!! I like the ole, I can only change me. It's ok for you to say, I honestly am choosing to not live in drama.

A good boundary too. ex; A I need my life to be happy, I can only control me, if someone is mad, I choose to stay out of it as I am sure they can work it out for themselves.

I don't use the word you much. I want to make it a general statement. If you want to make it a boundary which you really have, you can say if a person has nothing nice to say, I don't want to be involved.

Plus no one has the right to blame you, say you are whatever, did whatever. No one. Believe me there are relationships where people do not say mean things to each other. They won't as they are best friends.

Keep coming, I hope you keep protecting that precious you from that horrible disease!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

He might not even know what he is really mad about....Often time we only think we know and that is why I love the program because I have learned to "honestly" understand rather than just assume that I know. The opposite of anger is acceptance...for me. He'll have to learn that for himself. If you're going to face to face Al-Anon meetings?...keep going and keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Clarity came as I was ready to process it and accept it. Just as living with an active A is too much for most of us to handle alone, it was too overwhelming for me to see things without distortions. As I know it, anger is part of the disease as is manipulation; anger and blame generate excuses for someone's distortions and behaviors.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.