made a mistake. AS upset. - Al-Anon Family Group

debhud · Veteran Member

made a mistake. AS upset.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how horrible you must feel. He is speaking from some deep pain that may or may not be related to the alcoholism. Hurt people hurt people but knowledge of that statement may not ease your feelings cry I am sorry. Maybe give it some space and revisit it with him? These situations touch me more deeply when my kiddos are involved as opposed to my spouse.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Debbie, I am sorry that you are in such pain and just wanted to assure you that you have worked the Steps on the issues from the past, made you amends to your son and now it is time to stop beating yourself up . We are all imperfect humans, do the best we can in life and any mistakes because we did not know any different. HP has not judged us but has provided a way for us to learn from the past and move forward. You have done just that

That you fell asleep only proved that you were tired and needed rest. It had nothing to do with your love or mothering ability.That you were willing to see him is a great gift that you were giving him and one of your assets as his mom.

We are not responsible for the blame, anger, judgement of others. It is important for us to clear the wreckage of the past and move forward with new constructive tools. You have done just that.

Pray about your decision regarding your son and listen to the still small voice within.

Positive energy on the way

mm830 · Senior Member

For what its worth, we are humans and we make mistakes. Beating yourself up over them isn't productive and you hurt yourself more than you already hurt over it. HP will find a way for you to work through this. Hugs, so sorry you and your son are hurting.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

....and a big hug and a wish for a peaceful, self loving day.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Debbie

I think you know what it is with him and his anger towards you. My son can be the same way sometimes. I never take it to heart anymore because of the disease. He is suffering his own demons and you stepping back and not taking part in it makes him this way. We will continue to pray he will want those demons gone someday but in the meantime all you can do is take care of you.

I have sent my son messages that I will always love him no matter what and I will let go but I will also be there when he is ready.

((( hugs )))

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

A major lesson I'm learning right now is that it is my job to try to do the right thing as often as I can, but that it's the other person's job to handle their own reactions if I screw up (which happens because I am human). Their reaction is not within my control and is separate from whatever it was I did, that was oh-so-bad. This helps me when the reaction from the other person is inordinately large for my transgression/humanness.

I deal with my own screw-ups with my HP, and the other person can learn about forgiveness, anger or self-pity, with their own HP.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Wednesday 19th of March 2014 09:59:23 AM

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

The other day, someone dug into me badly and relentlessly because I apologized more than once after I'd made a mistake. People will do that sometimes.

i realized that the person who did it was just like me - as hard on others as she probably is on herself.

my sponsor told me my amends were to myself.

with my family, I've done the steps and been really thorough...I've listed my harms to each member and gone to them individually and sat with them. I asked for their time first. I admitted my faults, apologized and did it with language that a Big Book sponsor helped me with. In other words inwent to them in a spiritual basis and cleaned house and covered everything without causing more harm in doing so.

anything from the past I have already taken responsibility for.

oldergal · Senior Member

Debhud,

I didn't make many mistakes when I was in "enabling mode" but when I made mistakes I really never heard from my son. Your son has let you know how he feels and I think that is healthy instead of letting it fester in his heart. When I started learning about Alanon principals I realized I needed to honor and respect his requests. So if he said he didn't want me around. I stayed away. Usually it gave him time to cool down and know that if he wanted to call or visit it was on his own terms. He knew I was sorry, and above all he knew I loved him. Yes you made mistakes in the past, we all did and we are sorry. Be patient your, and his HP are working on it. Our son's are smarter than you think. Your mission is to know yourself and what YOU want and need, you are worth it. .... in support og

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you know what, parents are suppose to be respected, loved and honored by their kids.

I am at a place A or not, I will not take abuse from my kids. If they do not want to concentrate on the good I do, that is their problem not mine.

I will say well you know I will continue to love you, won't bring up past mistakes, or the ones you are going to make either.

For me it is more I am going to take care of me and be around those who love me as is.

So you fell asleep big deal. His disease is just trying to bring you down, make you look as bad as it is. I would not give it the satisfaction. I do not and will not go to my kids if they are rude like that to me. NO parent is perfect, plus I know myself I have grown so much and like me. If the kids don't see that, seems to be their problem not mine.

I guess I would wonder why you would call him. Who was the rude one here., For petes sake we get tired and we do fall asleep.

hugs

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. This behavior on the part of your son is typical alcoholic behavior. According to the disordered thought processes, they can fail us but we can NEVER, EVER fail them. Well, we do. We're imperfect and they are imperfect. It is too bad that you overslept and that you failed to show up to meet him as you said you would. If this is a once in a blue moon occurrence on your part - an apology is all that is necessary. If he wants to stay mad about it - it's his choice and his right to experience the consequences to staying mad. If this is something that has happened frequently - your failing to meet him when you promise to do so is something that you might want to do a 4th step on?

I have also listened to my son's list of grievances until we covered all the ground necessary and I had made proper amends for the past to the best of my ability. After that, I just saw the disease as trying to hook my guilt and wouldn't listen anymore. Others might handle that differently, but I was all done with the blaming and the shaming. He knew it and I knew it. The criticism of my parenting - something he had never done - ended for the most part. It was becoming a codependent behavior on my part to listen - often to things I hadn't even done - and I suggested he talk it over with an AA sponsor, a clergyperson or a counselor.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of March 2014 06:03:46 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

plus.... lol you know, they are still kids as they are the age they were when they started drinking.

I was thinking back in the teen days, my son, who I love very much, would not come home on time did not check in etc.

But if I was not home when he was, he freaked out! lol

anyway he learned to check in and still does at let see he is gads 38 in august!

hugs honey, really you are doing JUST fine. I was thinking well tell him next time you will be sure to tell him when you are accidently going to fall asleep., I am thinking humor may be the best medicine....hugs

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