The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted for awhile, life has thrown me some curve balls and I forgot about step one, powerlessness. My mentally ill son was hospitalized for threatening suicide and more due to not taking his meds, and A was unbelievably supportive and non judgemental. Very strange, unexpected, and I feel grateful yet baffled for his support. Fast forwarding I have been going through a lot of anger. Misplaced towards A as he has been calm, helpful, even mature during this crisis... the guy I fell in love with years ago. So last night due to the anger and sheer rage, I once again admitted I am powerless and asked HP for a plan because mine never seems to work. HP gave me more than I had hoped for and has been with me guiding me all day today. Everything is still a mess, medical bills will be huge and A is being so damn supportive I am angry with him and keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me there, but God works in mysterious ways. Thank God because my plan NEVER works. It's only in letting go that things fall into place for me. So back to powerlessness and asking HP to drive the car.
Good morning MM, I understand and have felt that way too and have had similar angry feelings towards my husband, during times of extreme pressure, when he has come good, it does baffle and boggle the mind, but it's one stress less to deal with in an already fraught situation, and my mind found it hard to rationalize, I was conditioned to think good followed bad, during my husbands first years of sobriety when he stayed calm in other wise difficult situations and it was me that showed off shamefully so and pulled the rug so to speak, it's took a good while for me to appreciate the good days, and even when things did go pear shaped i learn not to take it personally it wasn't about me.
Hp is a very comforting presence in my life too through thick and thin I am so glad yours is working for you!
I'm so sorry to hear about your son and will pray for you and your family. Regarding your A, this is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease! I have come to the same conclusion as you- my plan never works either. Someone asked me how I plan to get through my obligations this week and I told them that I'd just keep doing my best. Shocked, they replied, "well, you must have a plan!" No, no plan other than to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank you for your prayers. I got so angry to the point that I couldnt stand the anger... because I don't trust the A for anything, so when he does extend support and act even better than if I gave an instruction manual on how to help, I am enraged. Turning it back over which I should have been doing all along helped more than anything else has, and no matter how many times I forget this HP still shows up when I ask, even when I stop showing up for HP and try to control and force my way through things. Frankly if HP can take the amount of anger I felt away and replace it with faith and trust (still not trusting A but the trust is in HP) I will get back to the steps because nothing else works, and the solutions that freely come once I stop trying to force mine are always the best ones and better for everyone involved. Humbled and blessed. And feeling kinda sorry for A who took one for the team for once, gave bread at the hardware store, even when I got really mad because I expected hardware there was compassion and forgiveness for me from an A. Pigs are flying somewhere I am sure of it. Love to all, have a blessed day.
