The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm watching a TV showe where someone in recovery is talking about feeling "tricked" or getting something different than they thought or were told theyd get.
anyone have ideas on where this comes from?
I'm coming up with this: feeling let down by parents or other authority figures.
Can you expand on this - or do you have any different insight?
and what solution have you applied to it?
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 18th of March 2014 07:39:14 PM
I can relate to this, but am not the best person to respond. My exAH has stated feeling tricked; my thoughts are that it is part of the sickness, the need to be a victim, the distortions of reality, the cycle of his own manipulation, etc. For my exAH, if it originates from disappointment from parents or authority figures, this belief system is also his choice.
I can say that I have felt duped; for myself, I have come to believe that it is from being raised in an environment not grounded in reality and in an expectation of my behaviors despite reality. Thanks to Alanon, I am aware of choices. Developing and enforcing boundaries, resetting expectations (practicing not having them), and being true to myself have helped me keep the focus on me and keep doing the next right thing.
Way before I had any real knowledge of what our family problems were with alcholism, I was very confused as to where peoples loyalties lay within my family, at home with my mother and older siblings the problem drinker my brother was the main focus and I could not understand why, why everything revolved around him, in those days I blamed my mother for I saw that she was the main authoritive figure and because she was all we had I felt neglected and insignificant in my family and life, I took it very personaly too, I felt unloved unloveable and spent a big chunk of my life not knowing or feeling not understanding why I felt adrift!
I carried these feelings throughout my youth and deep into my adult life until my need to know why and what was the cause of my angst, I am a mother too now of a young alcoholic son, I also married a similar personality to my brother, and when I had no knowledge or understanding of my situation it served me well to blame my mother and my brother, but it didn't relieve me of the sadness and lonelyness of the abandonment I felt, it took years and years for me to realise what an alchoholic actually is, and the isms and the way that my thinking and doing contributed wildly to my staying stuck, I was looking for answers from people that really had no idea also what was really wrong and with no outside help we all just rolled along perpetuating the problem because we didn't know any better, to be honest it really has been for me a case of doing the opposite of what I have always done to get a different outcome, blame for my mother has now turned into respect, that she did all she could do with what she had, I am a big girl now lol, and I have a wealth of experience to draw upon by what my life experience has taught me, I can and do apply that to my daily life, I have a great love for my bother too who battled his demons and lost, I feel I am very lucky that I didn't inherit the drinking gene too.
Alanon teaches me simple tricks that offer huge solutions, for me it's a journey to correct out of date bad habits, I have favourite solutions too that still wow me now, like? walking away from an argument, eh? walk away get out, and is better to feel happy? than always wanting to be right? and for me when I get the opportunity to practice my solutions I feel so much lighter, hope I have understood what you were asking, the others will be along shortly, wise wise folk, your in good hands here Chick!
I can relate to the feeling "duped" especially by others that surround me. I believe for me feeling "duped" is just a knee jerk reaction. When I take a giant step back and carefully process the information and detach with love, I begin to see that I have allowed another persons "trash" on my side of the street. There may or may not have been ill intentions, so now how do I establish boundaries in this type of situation? One, what others think of me is none of my business. Two, I am indeed powerless over what others say and do, so what am I going to do? I believe what is working for me is saying the serenity prayer repeatedly and go about my business. With regards to feeling let down by parents or authority figures. They did the best they knew how at the time. Some were misguided more than others, some more ill, some more angry and consumed by that anger. Hurt people hurt people. Glad you are here to heal. People who are attempting to heal will help others to heal too. Alanon is not just a bandaid for those wounds.
My esh would be yes I feel duped when my expectations of another person are let down because I expect them to think like I do. When I keep my expectations down .. it makes a big difference as well as focusing on trusting my HP vs the person .. I listen with my eyes. As far as the A .. I would speculate they feel duped when they find out they can't continue the same behavior and not get the same results. That's just my speculation as I would think if it was me kind of deal. Hugs ;)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In our program we live by principles...we adhere to these principles because they have given us a way of living which is balanced. Outside of the program you will hardly find this way of living within any other organization. Stay in your program; it does not and will not dupe you. (((((hugs)))))
I don't worry about being duped. For me that would be playing victim. When I got into recovery I also stopped using my parents as any reason to continue feeling bad about myself. It was played out. I have enough on my own plate and worrying about being "duped" would steer me off my own inventory.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 19th of March 2014 02:20:54 PM
Feeling duped to me is about being in a competition with somebody and being bested. I don't feel duped although sometimes people do surprise me. My father has just died. The last thing I'd want to do is judge him as being defective in some way. I love my Dad. I know his weaknesses and his strengths. Sometimes, his ways of expressing his love for me didn't work for me. I'm sure that was true for him of me. But, we loved each other. That's all that really matters to me.
