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Married 11 years together for 17. I have 2 amazing kids.
Husband is totally unreasonable...He goes out and drinks most nights, cannot even think of the last time he didn't. Comes home drunk, either passes out on the couch or comes up to bed and usually wakes me up, yelling how mean I am, why do I hate him etc...the next morning he either is still drunk or at the very least hung over. Depending on the morning, he is argumentative, unreasonable, and tries to start a fight with me. He goes on and on how I have wronged him, how everyone has wronged him, how he is a good person etc....He is constantly a roller coaster and in turn accuses me of being on a roller coaster....almost every day/morning he is mad or wants to argue about something. I have learned to just walk away from him. I have tried talking to him over and over and he says it takes two to fight so its not him with the problem. He is always the victim no matter what the situation. He has a problem with anyone, me, his family, my family, business associates anyone in his path. When I try to tell him this he says no I only have a problem with you, because you hate me.
He is a great provider (I am a stay-at-home mom) and ok father, and a horrible husband. There is no tenderness, compassion or anything in my marriage. I have thought about leaving, but then I think do I want to share my kids, get a job and have my kids come from a broken home (well it's already broken isn't it?) I cannot grasp how self-centered he is, not only with me but the kids as well.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated, I am at my wits end...Don't know what to do anymore. I suggested marriage counseling but he refuses to go because I will go in and lie about him. So he refuses.
This is a quick overview of my life, there is so much more.
I lived like that for a long while and it got to be too much for me. Are you attending face to face meetings? I found answers to my questions while attending al-anon, reading the literature and talking with my sponsor. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me to learn detachment and boundaries. Keep yourself and your kids safe and in time find a way to be serene with al-anon. It saved my sanity and life honestly. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I lived like that for a long while and it got to be too much for me. Are you attending face to face meetings? I found answers to my questions while attending al-anon, reading the literature and talking with my sponsor. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me to learn detachment and boundaries. Keep yourself and your kids safe and in time find a way to be serene with al-anon. It saved my sanity and life honestly. Sending you much love and support!
thank you for your post. I really appreciate it, I am just now after all this time working on getting myself together. Thanks again!
I am glad that you are looking into self care and found us at MIP. I found the more I got myself in balance the more things that didn't really need to upset me didn't and I was more able to handle the things that did need my attention. This program is amazing and I am really glad you are here!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Alcoholism is a baffling disease. Please seek a face to face meeting if you are able. Alanon has helped me to find hope where I was once hopeless.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone.
Take it one day at a time
It sounds like you are a younger me.... That was my life. And I didn't want to leave either because he was still a good bread winner and the kids needed a good life with money. You know your hubby is not going to get any better? This disease is progressive and unless he quits drinking and goes into AA and works on himself, the disease will win. My hubby got a DUI that finally got him into AA and he has stayed there since then. We had been married 29 years by then.
You can live with him, knowing he will not recover unless he quits drinking, but it will take changes in you. If you don't make a real tough shell, you will be broken. AlAnon is the place to learn if you want that or not. Get to meetings, Listen and learn. Get your kids into AlAteen for their support. Keep reading on this web site and anywhere else you can find good information about alcoholism and living with alcoholism. There are meetings here too.
Even if, HP willing, he does quit drinking, don't think your problems are solved. Now you have a sober man who doesn't know who he is. He can be angry and mean then too. You will still need AlAnon for yourself.
I'm glad you found us. I wish I had been as young as you when I found AlAnon. It is a life saver.
You will find that there of lots of us who understand the situation that you are in and who have also been so confused by the behaviour that alcohol creates. I used to know when it was 10.15am every morning because that was the time that AH would come in and start a shouting match. I could set my watch by him You are not alone. Are you able to find face to face meetings in your neighbourhood? It was a revelation for me when I walked into my first meeting. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It ain't easy - but life CAN get better. The first step for me was to take good care of myself and to give myself treats and self love - which I very consciously started to do every time AH was horrible! I don't think that there is much that I can say to my AH that he doesn't already know so now I just try to avoid the 'projecting' that he does - i.e. when I get the blame for how he feels about himself.
You've found some special friends here
Thank you all for all your kind words and insight! I actually made an appointment with a therapist today for next week....I plan on finding the face to face meetings in my town and I am going to try to attend the meeting online tonight!
Again, thank you I received much needed support today from everyone....
Glad you found this forum and you received some great responses. Helpful responses are the norm here Hopefully you are going to see an addiction counselor. I worked with counselors and saw several through the years. Only addictions counselors understood my situation and could provide me the counsel I needed to help me heal from the effects of this disease.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation. Alnon helps you to be able to focus on yourself instead of your AH. I really don't understand why I focus on the Ah he doesn't deserve any attention except from a police or a hospital.
The alcoholic walks around and blames everyone else for his problem. I found out an A is selfish, has one agenda to get drunk and get out of his way. I am powerless over controlling what my AH does. In fact I am the only one who cares but not anymore. The only life they have is drinking. They do not care about family or kids nothing.
I stopped fighting with mine. It wastes your energy. I am stuck with mine but I have a plan to save money to get out.
They are not capable of having you anything except heartaches, broken promises, lost of jobs,jails. It is all downhill for them but not for you.
I have learned that I will not have a loving husband but someone who cheats, lies, and commits adultery. I will never believe what he says. I do not enable him either.
Even when they stop drinking they are so depressed because they lost the one thing they loved.. not me or the kids. The alcohol. Then the rest of your life you are waiting for the cycle to start again. When are they going to start drinking again? To be with an alcoholic is a dead wish because you have no one but here I am standing by my man. How sick am I that I dont have any self worth to stick with a drug addict. I am venting because he has no responsibility and I have it all.
It is good to know the family unit is going downhill? Alcohol should be illegal? What is wrong that 60% of people who are alcoholic what does it leave the people who do not use.. we are the ones that live in torture not the alcoholic who is emotional numb!
I am some serious anger from living in an unlovable situation not caused by me but thank goodness I am powerless over my situation. I just let him drink himself to death that is his wish.
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
I get what people are saying here. I think for me, the thing was that I hoped that when my A stopped drinking, all the problems would be solved. I kept thinking, "If only ... when he stops ... how soon will it be ... if only..." But what I learned is that there are no guarantees. He could well stop and then start again. Sadly the statistics say that that is the most common occurrence. He could stop but stay a "dry drunk," chaotic and angry and not working on himself. He could stop and be in a state of total confusion for a good long time, while we are starved and desperate for the attention and validation we've been waiting for for so long. He could stop and decide the relationship isn't what he wants for his sobriety and then leave us. He could stop and work his recovery and strengthen the relationship. All of these have happened to many people. No one can predict which of them will happen in any given case. And if the drinker hasn't stopped, all of them are just theoretical.
That's why we can't bank on any particular thing happening before we get our own recovery going and make our lives good. We can base our serenity on ourselves and not on them making any particular decision. That's what the tools of Al-Anon help us to do.
My AH always says that I hate him....I just answered that he can't tell me how I feel. The truth is that sometimes I did hate him but that was for me to say .....not him. Mine is in rehab now and I can still hear the me me me in all his conversations. I am leaving his recovery to him him him. I am working on me and the kids. dragging the kids to alateen---they don't want to go , but I told them otherwise they will sit in a room with a therapist......so they go.
I am hoping that rehab works this time around but I don't expect it to. I still may have to divorce him even though I don't want to...... but to save my sanity and the kids.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
You are not alone. Are you able to find face to face meetings in your neighbourhood? It was a revelation for me when I walked into my first meeting. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It ain't easy - but life CAN get better. The first step for me was to take good care of myself and to give myself treats and self love - which I very consciously started to do every time AH was horrible! I don't think that there is much that I can say to my AH that he doesn't already know so now I just try to avoid the 'projecting' that he does - i.e. when I get the blame for how he feels about himself. 
Hopefully you are going to see an addiction counselor. I worked with counselors and saw several through the years. Only addictions counselors understood my situation and could provide me the counsel I needed to help me heal from the effects of this disease.